Engaged!! ! But in-laws don't like me.

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So I just got engaged a few days ago (FINALLY!! !!) My fiance is within the spectrum but he's super high-functioning and has serious genius qualities.

Anyways, his parents just don't like me for some reason even though we've all gone out for dinners and they've been really nice to my face?.but they say mean things behind my back. You're supposed to give a little gift to your son's fiancé, and they bought me these super tiny/thin gold earrings?.barely visible. My family was in shock b/c they said that's something they would get a little kid?.not for an engagement gift?.

It's just like a slap in the face b/c I've done nothing but be nice to them. I brought them super expensive gifts from all my trips, and holidays?.and they're just subtle and rude to me?? What do I do??

Congrats on the engagement! Unfortunately, if it's anything like I have experienced, you are best just accepting that they will likely never accept you. I have that issue with my relatives: even though my mother's friends all love me (and so does my maternal Grandmother) everyone else treats me with ice cold reception. I even went out of my way to be polite and friendly to my 31 year old cousin and his family and I was still treated with cold indifference just as I was as a child.

I just had to accept the fact they will NEVER like me. Sucks but it's better than running into that brick wall over and over again.

How do you know that they say mean things behind your back? Does your fiancé pass on things that they've said, or are you close to someone else in the family?

I'm not a materialistic person at all so I'm afraid I can't muster any kind of concern about the gift they gave you. I was brought up to appreciate and be grateful for what I am given, though, so I do think it's a bit rude of you and your family to look down on their gift as not being good enough.

It may simply be that you and your prospective in-laws have different perspectives on certain things, but really, as long as you and your fiancé are happy I don't know that you're necessarily looking at major problems here.

Edited to add: Just because you give them "super expensive gifts" (you might want to reflect on why you do that) doesn't mean that they are obliged to give you "super expensive gifts" in return.

Hear, hear! What Marcia said. You sound like a horrible materialistic person with your complaint about the earrings. I wouldn't like you either.

Don't jump to a specific conclusion about your relationship, but I do have some general info.

Almost always, when someone marries into a family, the intrusiveness of the in-laws is extended. That is, (extended family = extended intrusion). So, if you have problems now, getting married is likely to make things worse. Currently, you aren't really their business, but once you are married, you are more than their business, you are part of their family.

Like is said, you marry your spouse, not their relatives. I would not lose a lot of sleep over it. Be polite on your end, and that's about all you can do. I never found my spouses family to be a significant element in our own separate lives. If they are nice they can be part, but if they are unpleasant, then the less seen the better.

The most you can do is treat them with respect and there will be no fault on your part. If there is a problem, it's theirs.

Regarding the gift - I wouldn't expect anything, expectations always lead to disappointment. I've never heard of that tradition either.

How do you know they say mean things?

If they really don't like you and are slighting and awful, and this isn't just you being paranoid, then you need to have a serious talk with your husband-to-be. Because if they're that bad, he'll sometimes have to make some "my wife or my parents" decisions, and it's not going to be easy. You will also have to decide what you want to put up with, and occasionally draw some lines, understanding that there will likely be consequences, especially if you have children, and especially if you live nearby.

In the meantime -- if they're really lukewarm about you -- pull back on the presents, be polite and pleasant and correct and all that, but don't kill yourself trying to please them or win them over. And be a grownup, and consider that lovely fiancés with AS often have parents with AS, and that there may just be some tone-deafness.

Also bear in mind that almost no one's in love with the in-laws. I still talk with my college boyfriend's mom and she's a wonderful lady, but I think I'd have run away from home eventually if she'd been my MIL because omg bossy. My ex-in-laws were ghastly and by the end of the marriage I just refused to be around them. My good friend puts up with her hard-drinking cocktail-hour Cheever-replica in-laws a few times a year and just holds her breath the whole time while her MIL insults her. My last boyfriend's mom is certifiable and I think I'd rather stab myself than live close enough to have to go to dinner with his sibs all the time. (They're totally fine one-on-one for normal human-conversation timespans but in a gang they're like someone's crazy-family movie and things go on forever.)

So - if all you have to worry about is that they're snipey and stingy, meh, this is par. But do consider what you are and aren't willing to do. It'll evolve. And congratulations!

One thing about many parents in law, is that they blindly love their kids. So they wish them the best for living, wish that the become doctors, ... That goes on about parents hoping for their kids, that they will find the perfect partner so that they may become happy forever. So there is not only lots of dating people running around with the expectations of finding dream princes and princesses, but as well tons of parents hoping so for their kids. Because at least their kids are naturally perfect little princes/princesses, so they naturally deserve nothing less then to have as well a prince/princess on their side.

And then their kids come home with an ordinary human person = you. ^^ Which often confuses them, because their kid is in their eyes a 10/10 catch, so in their oppinion, he should be easily able to catch as well a 10/10, and instead he comes with that average human 5/10 person, when he could have tons of better girls in their oppinion.

I would not get into fighting. Life your life with your partner as good as you can, and most parents will sooner or later understand, that you might not be for them a 10/10, but that you are for your partner a 10/10. Maybe you are not meeting the expectations and needs that your parents in law might have on a partner for their kid, but you are meeting the expectations and needs that your partner has on a partner. ^^ Which is in the end far more important, because he will be having the relationship with you, and not your parents in law. XD

The problem is not the in the in-laws here.

Thanks everyone for your replies?.

But for the record, I'm NOT materialistic?..I actually LOVED the earrings, but then I came home and my dad is like, "What!? That's what they gave you?? Those are for babies!" etc?..and yeah in our culture it's customary to give the future bride a super expensive (lavish) gift?.apparently?and if they don't or give something super crappy it's seen like an insult to the family?.Especially if the families are well off as ours are?again?.just a fact, not showing off or something. Just trying to understand why they don't like me.

ANYWAYS, my fiancé knows his family and he actually doesn't really like the way they are either?.other people can back me up on this too?I think it's more b/c I'm an "outsider" not 100% from this culture so they see me as "lesser" b/c I don't know their customs, etc?..