You Can't Have Her...
03 Jun 2014, 9:46 am
My nephew's birthday party was over the weekend and with that everyone came from both sides of the family. Now my brother-in-law's cousin was there and I have had a huge crush on her for a long time. She's 26, a few years older than me, but when I was 16, my parents and I, along with my sister were invited over for a cookout by her parents. She also has another sister my age, but she's more of a tomboy, and is trying to be a correctional officer.
Anyway she was 20 at the time and all of us (her sister and one of her friends) went for a walk where we talked for the whole time. At the time she was in a relationship but I could tell the kid was a jerk to her. So we talked and talked and talked and I was insanely into her. I already was for a while, seeing her at past get-togethers, but I never got to talk to her this in-depth. She is so incredibly beautiful and she was just the perfect girl. She was like a princess to me, and not the spoiled kind of princess.
Anyway at the end of the day, since she really isn't family, I made my feelings known and while she did turn me down, she did hesitate and said she really liked me but "because I'm 20 and you are 16, it wouldn't work right now."
We did stay in touch over Facebook from time to time, but the next time I saw her in person was when I was 19 and she was in another relationship. In fact the boyfriend came to the party as well (also for my nephew).
So I forgot about her, and I didn't see her again until this weekend, about 4 years later. When she saw me she came up and gave me the biggest hug ever and of course those feelings reappeared. Only thing was the boyfriend she had 4 years ago was now her fiancee, and they are set to get married in a couple of months.
I'm happy for her and her soon-to-be-husband is a great guy, but man, I was feeling really down. I mean seeing how awesome their relationship was just sad for me. I yearn for this, but I don't know what to do anymore. It's just hard for me to see anyone, even strangers, show affection for each other. When you throw in that I had a thing for her and she sort of did for me...it makes it tough.
With her, it was something I never had a fair chance with. What if I was 18 instead of 16? Would it be me marrying her in a couple months? Those kind of questions really drive me crazy and I'm just in a sad state when it comes to girls.
I just wish I could be positive about this little section of my life (girls). It's just so tough when you don't have anyone. And quite frankly it sucks.
03 Jun 2014, 10:51 am
I am going to make a suggestion that you may not warm up to very fast, and perhaps it doesn't apply, but I know that when I was single and falling for people that I knew I could not be with it was actually a self-defense mechanism. What I mean by that is that it was my subconscious' way of telling me I was not yet ready for the person I was really meant to be with. After all, it is, in a way, very "safe" to love someone who is not in a position to love you back. You can't be rejected because you never really had a chance to get started.
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
03 Jun 2014, 11:30 am
DW_a_mom wrote:
I am going to make a suggestion that you may not warm up to very fast, and perhaps it doesn't apply, but I know that when I was single and falling for people that I knew I could not be with it was actually a self-defense mechanism. What I mean by that is that it was my subconscious' way of telling me I was not yet ready for the person I was really meant to be with. After all, it is, in a way, very "safe" to love someone who is not in a position to love you back. You can't be rejected because you never really had a chance to get started.
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
No I don't think I could...she's been with the guy for 4 years and I don't wanna ruin anything. I guess I'm not supposed to know what would of happened but anything without a conclusion gives me fits.
You do make sense though with your suggestion, I sometimes feel like I like to stay in my shell, so I don't know. It's just you see friends have success, and sometimes they even unintentionally brag about it, and you just want something good like that to happen to you.
I know it's not always good but it would be nice to feel that. I have mentioned that sometimes my friends even alienate me and because they have their own stuff to do, whether it be being busy in general or being with a girl, I don't have anyone to talk to.
03 Jun 2014, 12:03 pm
Liking someone you could never have is OK providing you don't go crazy about it. My girlfriend's boss is married to someone who could stop traffic if she walked down a street and she has eyes that I could gaze into for hours. However, she's unavailable, so I shall just admire her from afar and be damn careful everytime there's an office party and I'm invited.
_________________
Eccles
03 Jun 2014, 12:44 pm
DW_a_mom wrote:
I am going to make a suggestion that you may not warm up to very fast, and perhaps it doesn't apply, but I know that when I was single and falling for people that I knew I could not be with it was actually a self-defense mechanism. What I mean by that is that it was my subconscious' way of telling me I was not yet ready for the person I was really meant to be with. After all, it is, in a way, very "safe" to love someone who is not in a position to love you back. You can't be rejected because you never really had a chance to get started.
I can relate to this and I've wonder if many other Aspies do this as well.
03 Jun 2014, 1:01 pm
DW_a_mom wrote:
I am going to make a suggestion that you may not warm up to very fast, and perhaps it doesn't apply, but I know that when I was single and falling for people that I knew I could not be with it was actually a self-defense mechanism. What I mean by that is that it was my subconscious' way of telling me I was not yet ready for the person I was really meant to be with. After all, it is, in a way, very "safe" to love someone who is not in a position to love you back. You can't be rejected because you never really had a chance to get started.
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
I have never heard of what you just said in the first paragraph. Are you saying falling for the wrong person is something your mind does on purpose, to save you from liking someone who is really for you? But what if you like someone who dislikes you, and they're plain out to use you? That sounds very unsafe to me.
_________________
I've left WP.
03 Jun 2014, 2:16 pm
smudge wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
I am going to make a suggestion that you may not warm up to very fast, and perhaps it doesn't apply, but I know that when I was single and falling for people that I knew I could not be with it was actually a self-defense mechanism. What I mean by that is that it was my subconscious' way of telling me I was not yet ready for the person I was really meant to be with. After all, it is, in a way, very "safe" to love someone who is not in a position to love you back. You can't be rejected because you never really had a chance to get started.
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
I have never heard of what you just said in the first paragraph. Are you saying falling for the wrong person is something your mind does on purpose, to save you from liking someone who is really for you? But what if you like someone who dislikes you, and they're plain out to use you? That sounds very unsafe to me.
Basically, yes, although I also believe that fate will usually keep the right person for you out of your life until you are ready.
These are conclusions I've reached looking back on my own life, and my younger sisters. I have no idea what the experts say, but my sister feels just as I do: we dated guys we were destined to break up with for many years.
On the second sentence, hmmmm - I don't think I ever fell into that, but I suppose it can happen. My subconscious tended to go one of two ways with it's picks:
(1) much safer and truly unattainable targets to fall for. An unattainable target is just that: unattainable. You can't get used by unattainable. Or,
(2) Guys that did actually like me, but with whom there were some pretty large compatibility issues, making it unlikely that either of us would ever decide we should get married.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
03 Jun 2014, 4:03 pm
DW_a_mom wrote:
smudge wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
I am going to make a suggestion that you may not warm up to very fast, and perhaps it doesn't apply, but I know that when I was single and falling for people that I knew I could not be with it was actually a self-defense mechanism. What I mean by that is that it was my subconscious' way of telling me I was not yet ready for the person I was really meant to be with. After all, it is, in a way, very "safe" to love someone who is not in a position to love you back. You can't be rejected because you never really had a chance to get started.
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
Meanwhile, you have learned things about yourself. What you like in someone, how to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, and so on. She clearly cares deeply about you, just maybe not in "that" way.
What I am very unsure of is whether or not you should tell her that your feelings for her have never gone away (not that you have suggested you intend to; it is just that I hate having things unsaid, it can create so many problems). If there is any chance she would reciprocate, then she should know. But if there isn't, then it is better left unsaid. But how the heck are YOU supposed to know????
I have never heard of what you just said in the first paragraph. Are you saying falling for the wrong person is something your mind does on purpose, to save you from liking someone who is really for you? But what if you like someone who dislikes you, and they're plain out to use you? That sounds very unsafe to me.
Basically, yes, although I also believe that fate will usually keep the right person for you out of your life until you are ready.
These are conclusions I've reached looking back on my own life, and my younger sisters. I have no idea what the experts say, but my sister feels just as I do: we dated guys we were destined to break up with for many years.
On the second sentence, hmmmm - I don't think I ever fell into that, but I suppose it can happen. My subconscious tended to go one of two ways with it's picks:
(1) much safer and truly unattainable targets to fall for. An unattainable target is just that: unattainable. You can't get used by unattainable. Or,
(2) Guys that did actually like me, but with whom there were some pretty large compatibility issues, making it unlikely that either of us would ever decide we should get married.
like why teen girls like 'one direction' as they can experiment/practice their feelings in a safe not having to 'put out' environment.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,890
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
04 Jun 2014, 3:17 am
Dw_mom, honestly and I am not trolling this time, your many posts reinforce the popular sexist stereotype among guys which claims that "young women are irrational, ruled by emotions and hormones and rarely know what they want when it comes to dating".
Seriously, there are things you say make absolutely no sense to me - don't take it personal.
Also are you talking about unattainable crushes? because this happens to everyone and it's not some silly defense mechanism, it's just hormones and fantasy, we all fall for celebs or people way above our league or people in relationships (like the OP case), or are you talking about actually dating guys on purpose (and unconsciously) who you were aware they were "unattainable"? (and why unattainable? were they married?). Big difference.
04 Jun 2014, 10:36 am
DW_a_mom wrote:
we dated guys we were destined to break up with for many years.
On the second sentence, hmmmm - I don't think I ever fell into that, but I suppose it can happen. My subconscious tended to go one of two ways with it's picks:
(1) much safer and truly unattainable targets to fall for. An unattainable target is just that: unattainable. You can't get used by unattainable. Or,
(2) Guys that did actually like me, but with whom there were some pretty large compatibility issues, making it unlikely that either of us would ever decide we should get married.
On the second sentence, hmmmm - I don't think I ever fell into that, but I suppose it can happen. My subconscious tended to go one of two ways with it's picks:
(1) much safer and truly unattainable targets to fall for. An unattainable target is just that: unattainable. You can't get used by unattainable. Or,
(2) Guys that did actually like me, but with whom there were some pretty large compatibility issues, making it unlikely that either of us would ever decide we should get married.
It sounds more like you really wanted a relationship and settled for the next best thing, rather than purposely. And yet...
Your idea is thought-provoking. I think I'll have to think about it some more, because I think in some instances that situation has applied to me (the self-defence mechanism).
_________________
I've left WP.
04 Jun 2014, 10:56 am
smudge wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
we dated guys we were destined to break up with for many years.
On the second sentence, hmmmm - I don't think I ever fell into that, but I suppose it can happen. My subconscious tended to go one of two ways with it's picks:
(1) much safer and truly unattainable targets to fall for. An unattainable target is just that: unattainable. You can't get used by unattainable. Or,
(2) Guys that did actually like me, but with whom there were some pretty large compatibility issues, making it unlikely that either of us would ever decide we should get married.
On the second sentence, hmmmm - I don't think I ever fell into that, but I suppose it can happen. My subconscious tended to go one of two ways with it's picks:
(1) much safer and truly unattainable targets to fall for. An unattainable target is just that: unattainable. You can't get used by unattainable. Or,
(2) Guys that did actually like me, but with whom there were some pretty large compatibility issues, making it unlikely that either of us would ever decide we should get married.
It sounds more like you really wanted a relationship and settled for the next best thing, rather than purposely. And yet...
Your idea is thought-provoking. I think I'll have to think about it some more, because I think in some instances that situation has applied to me (the self-defence mechanism).
I think that consciously I really wanted a relationship, but I look back and don't think that was "me" so much as me having caved into societal pressure, which tells you that you must want a relationship. Well, that and those darn hormones, of course. But I did reach a point of realizing I could be perfectly happy without a relationship (and then I met my husband, lol).
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
04 Jun 2014, 11:11 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Dw_mom, honestly and I am not trolling this time, your many posts reinforce the popular sexist stereotype among guys which claims that "young women are irrational, ruled by emotions and hormones and rarely know what they want when it comes to dating".
Seriously, there are things you say make absolutely no sense to me - don't take it personal.
Also are you talking about unattainable crushes? because this happens to everyone and it's not some silly defense mechanism, it's just hormones and fantasy, we all fall for celebs or people way above our league or people in relationships (like the OP case), or are you talking about actually dating guys on purpose (and unconsciously) who you were aware they were "unattainable"? (and why unattainable? were they married?). Big difference.
Seriously, there are things you say make absolutely no sense to me - don't take it personal.
Also are you talking about unattainable crushes? because this happens to everyone and it's not some silly defense mechanism, it's just hormones and fantasy, we all fall for celebs or people way above our league or people in relationships (like the OP case), or are you talking about actually dating guys on purpose (and unconsciously) who you were aware they were "unattainable"? (and why unattainable? were they married?). Big difference.
Well ... I am sorry if they make no sense to you, but maybe that is more a conflict between the way our brains work than male v. female. I know plenty of men who 100% agree with me. And plenty of women who will nod along in confusion. All matters of love and dating are not universal; there are literally thousands of ways of viewing things and most of them can work for the right people in the right time and place. I am sharing what has worked for me and people I've known, and I apologize if I don't know how to present it in a way that makes sense to you.
There are different types of unattainable crushes, of course, and multiple reasons for having them. There are no one-size-fits-all reasons, answers or assumptions when it comes to dating. None. Crushes are no different. But, in specific instances, I think I see a possible reason for what a poster has described and, so, I make the suggestion.
Unattainable can mean different things; a guy does not have to be married or in a relationship to be unattainable. He can be at a point in his life where he is so closed off that he will never allow the relationship to progress to a certain point. So you may "date," but there never was any possibility of there being a future in it. I dated a guy that was in love with a woman he couldn't be with (emotionally unavailable to me), and another so mired in personal issues a messy end to the relationship was inevitable (a heavy drug user - although he never did it in front of me - and habitual liar). Consciously I told myself these were sweet men that needed love and guidance or something nonsense like that, but of course other parts of me knew I was intentionally making a mess of my love life.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
Last edited by DW_a_mom on 04 Jun 2014, 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
04 Jun 2014, 5:23 pm
DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Dw_mom, honestly and I am not trolling this time, your many posts reinforce the popular sexist stereotype among guys which claims that "young women are irrational, ruled by emotions and hormones and rarely know what they want when it comes to dating".
Seriously, there are things you say make absolutely no sense to me - don't take it personal.
Also are you talking about unattainable crushes? because this happens to everyone and it's not some silly defense mechanism, it's just hormones and fantasy, we all fall for celebs or people way above our league or people in relationships (like the OP case), or are you talking about actually dating guys on purpose (and unconsciously) who you were aware they were "unattainable"? (and why unattainable? were they married?). Big difference.
Seriously, there are things you say make absolutely no sense to me - don't take it personal.
Also are you talking about unattainable crushes? because this happens to everyone and it's not some silly defense mechanism, it's just hormones and fantasy, we all fall for celebs or people way above our league or people in relationships (like the OP case), or are you talking about actually dating guys on purpose (and unconsciously) who you were aware they were "unattainable"? (and why unattainable? were they married?). Big difference.
Well ... I am sorry if they make no sense to you, but maybe that is more a conflict between the way our brains work than male v. female. I know plenty of men who 100% agree with me. And plenty of women who will nod along in confusion. All matters of love and dating are like; literally thousands of ways of viewing things and most of them can work for the right people in the right time and place. I am sharing what has worked for me and people I've known, and I apologize if I don't know how to present it in a way that makes sense to you.
There are different types of unattainable crushes, of course, and multiple reasons for having them. There are no one-size-fits-all reasons, answers or assumptions when it comes to dating. None. Crushes are no different. But, in specific instances, I think I see a possible reason for what a poster has described and, so, I make the suggestion.
Unattainable can mean different things; a guy does not have to be married or in a relationship to be unattainable. He can be at a point in his life where he is so closed off that he will never allow the relationship to progress to a certain point. So you may "date," but there never was any possibility of there being a future in it. I dated a guy that was in love with a woman he couldn't be with (emotionally unavailable to me), and another so mired in personal issues a messy end to the relationship was inevitable (a heavy drug user - although he never did it in front of me - and habitual liar). Consciously I told myself these were sweet men that needed love and guidance or something nonsense like that, but of course other parts of me knew I was intentionally making a mess of my love life.
I think people can do that too if they have a core belief of being undeserving of love, I know that effects me in loving/wanting men who are not going to love me.
04 Jun 2014, 8:46 pm
lotusblossom wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Dw_mom, honestly and I am not trolling this time, your many posts reinforce the popular sexist stereotype among guys which claims that "young women are irrational, ruled by emotions and hormones and rarely know what they want when it comes to dating".
Seriously, there are things you say make absolutely no sense to me - don't take it personal.
Also are you talking about unattainable crushes? because this happens to everyone and it's not some silly defense mechanism, it's just hormones and fantasy, we all fall for celebs or people way above our league or people in relationships (like the OP case), or are you talking about actually dating guys on purpose (and unconsciously) who you were aware they were "unattainable"? (and why unattainable? were they married?). Big difference.
Seriously, there are things you say make absolutely no sense to me - don't take it personal.
Also are you talking about unattainable crushes? because this happens to everyone and it's not some silly defense mechanism, it's just hormones and fantasy, we all fall for celebs or people way above our league or people in relationships (like the OP case), or are you talking about actually dating guys on purpose (and unconsciously) who you were aware they were "unattainable"? (and why unattainable? were they married?). Big difference.
Well ... I am sorry if they make no sense to you, but maybe that is more a conflict between the way our brains work than male v. female. I know plenty of men who 100% agree with me. And plenty of women who will nod along in confusion. All matters of love and dating are like; literally thousands of ways of viewing things and most of them can work for the right people in the right time and place. I am sharing what has worked for me and people I've known, and I apologize if I don't know how to present it in a way that makes sense to you.
There are different types of unattainable crushes, of course, and multiple reasons for having them. There are no one-size-fits-all reasons, answers or assumptions when it comes to dating. None. Crushes are no different. But, in specific instances, I think I see a possible reason for what a poster has described and, so, I make the suggestion.
Unattainable can mean different things; a guy does not have to be married or in a relationship to be unattainable. He can be at a point in his life where he is so closed off that he will never allow the relationship to progress to a certain point. So you may "date," but there never was any possibility of there being a future in it. I dated a guy that was in love with a woman he couldn't be with (emotionally unavailable to me), and another so mired in personal issues a messy end to the relationship was inevitable (a heavy drug user - although he never did it in front of me - and habitual liar). Consciously I told myself these were sweet men that needed love and guidance or something nonsense like that, but of course other parts of me knew I was intentionally making a mess of my love life.
I think people can do that too if they have a core belief of being undeserving of love, I know that effects me in loving/wanting men who are not going to love me.
True as well. Especially when attracted to literally harmful relationships.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
