Woman, what is your role in dating?

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This is a question mainly for woman but all responses are appreciated. From the female perspective, in your opinion and expectation, what is the role of men in dating?

And in your opinion and expectation what is the female role in dating?

Well, I started trying to type out an answer, but then realized that I really don't have a clue. I know that if I like a man then I should make an effort to talk to him. That is a big hurdle for me to get over because I'm shy and it takes a long time for me to feel comfortable around someone. Then maybe I should invite him somewhere if we seem to be getting along well.

After than I'm not sure.... <sarcasm>Goodness knows why I'm single lol </sarcasm>

Hard to say. There is a lot of confusion in the Role Modeling department.

I'd say that women are the consumers of romance in relationships. Men are the producers of romance: They go out and make restaurant reservations, arrange for moonlit carriage or boat rides, and purchase jewelry, so that the woman their girlfriend or wife can feel special.

The opposite is true with sex. Women are the gatekeepers of sex: they control when it happens and ration it out to men who they feel deserve it: no need to elaborate who, but usually not aspie men. Men do whatever they can, legal or sometimes not legal, to get sex.

Ugh! Sexist generalizations. Such cliche!

That's what the film industry pedals, but in real life a relationship ought to be two people who care about each other enjoying each other's company, being a team, and sharing together.

Don't just expect the cliche. Look for something real!

Oh, dear Aspie1 that is not the actual world, that is a newspaper and/or film viewpoint. There isn't a clear cut system. Behavior based on that rigid type of belief is not conducive to having the strength one needs for a relationship. Dating is spending time together and either finding out both parties want more time together, or not. Sex can happen without actually liking or loving, but if someone is looking for a true partner, then there has to develop a friendship and a sense of loyalty.
Here is a little story about a couple. They met 50 years ago when they were young, married, worked and raised a child, and now all this time has passed. They are both retired now, finally able to slow down, have a garden, tinker on an old car, take walks with the dog - and they still like and love each other dearly. A month ago they found out that one of them has only 3 months to live. The one who will be the survivor is wondering desperately how to go on without the other. Tears come unbidden. The man is the one who is going to lose his dear one, and he has no idea how to face it.
This also is part of love and relationship. So in answer to the question the entire thing is a give and take, offer and ask process that goes on one's whole life, until it ends.

Your personality combined with the personality of your partner determines what your role is in a relationship, not what is between your legs - and since our moods and personalities change over time these roles are perpetually dynamic.

If you both agree on abiding by social gender stereotypes then that is your doing, there is nothing inherently wrong with this if it's how you work best together. Believing that it is the only possible outcome, however, I would assume is a common cause of relationship issues and stresses.

Yikes!! !! !! !! In this sub-forum, a woman is a person who is coincidently of female gender - no more, no less. Trying to cast a woman as anything different, especially for a man in a relationship with a woman, will simply result in a thorough roasting with the feminist flamethrower. For many women here, a woman has no place in a relationship with a man, so to them, your question is implicitly out of line. Asking anything related to gender specificity in relationships just makes you a target for ridicule. Take cover and good luck!

Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 08 Jun 2014, 11:30 am, edited 2 times in total.

I definately think that men and women have certain differences. Expecially in the way they often communicate with each other.

I agree that each deserve the same mutual respect. But we can't just sweep away the fact that we are different in certain ways.

I think I have more of a male way of looking at things sometimes and I notice that more when I am in a group of NT women. I communicate differently to them. They seem very intersted in discussing other people and what they are up to and what's going on in other people's lives, whereas I am more intrested in analyzing things.

My married friends often talk about their differences. I have one female friend who keeps saying to me, "stop taking my husband's side. you always take his side!" I don't mean to, he just seems more logical to me. LOL.

But all couples are unique and have their own similarities and differences and we can't really generalize about men and women.

I took the OP's question to be from a man just wondering what a female perspecitve is. What do we women honestly expect in a relationship?

Or maybe I'm just being niave.

I think the role for either party is to sell yourself on an emotional level to the other person. The cynical side of me wonders if the status quo is to think your product is so great that you can just plop it in the table and expect the other person to do all the work; or if it's more like fast food where you sell them junk and keep them coming back for more.

I have always viewed relationships as an exchange. I give you what you want, you give me what I want a nice productive mutual exchange. If you could fill out and sign a contract that?d be even better because then there are clear expectations, clear rules there?s a plan and the problem is that there are no clear expectations or rules. It?s a random mess where everything is intuitive, miss matched and spontaneous there?s no cohesive form to it. No mutual exchange no contract no clearly defined expectations. There?s no sitting down and saying ?this is what I want, this is what you want? and now we know what to do. Per why I?m curious what the female expectations and thoughts on role are to try and figure out what to do.

Because there are so many variants. The most obvious path is to make the female happy but this only gets you so far because everybody makes her happy it effectively relegates you to worthless friend. Another path is to integrate yourself into her life so that she?s emotionally dependent upon you but I?m not sure that they?d even like this it'd also be extremely hard considering the number of redundancy's NT's have in place for emotional management.

That's not a relationship to me. It's a neurotypical acquaintance / friendship situation. For me, if you cannot interact naturally without thinking in terms of exchange, you don't have any real attachment, and thus no relationship.

As much as it sounded cliche and sexist, it's not much far from the "norm" of dating.
I am not sure what he meant by not legal tho.

It's such a horrible analogy, "consumers", "producers" and "gatekeepers". Not very human. (I mean it dehumanzies people) The whole piece of writing is offensive to men and women alike. Not all men "do whatever they can... to get sex." There are balanced people of both sexes out there. I refuse to make blanket assumptions about all people based on their gender.

Consumers and producers are also humans! They are economical labels of people. I don't get why these terms dehumanize people, you probably mean these terms "deromanize" romance, but traditional romance itself had been (and still for most) the gendered-way as described by Aspie1. I agree with you on the sex part, that describes only desperate men.

Like Sheldon and Amy's Relationship Agreement. Well, sorry, that doesn't happen in real life, unless both parties are looking for a marriage of convenience.

I don't know if people really view a relationship as such a clinical exchange, or as a business exchange. I think they want to be happy and want to enjoy spending time with the other person. If they didn't want to spend time together, then they wouldn't be together, ideally.

I don't see my role as being part of a contract where I am obliged to bring x,y and z to the table as though if I don't do x,y, z I have somehow renaged on the basis of the relationship.

I just want to find someone with a similar sort of outlook on life as me, someone who doesn't run up debt on his credit card on unessential things, someone who enjoys the outdoors like me and who will maybe introduce me to new experiences that I haven't bothered to do before, like whatever he's interested in.

I expect that he will want to spend time with me and I will want to spend time with him doing things like going to visit the countryside. I dont expect flowers and jewellery. I just want someone to share sitting watching a movie with or a shoulder to cry on at a funeral or someone to dance with at a wedding. I expect him to be supportive and if he doesn't understand why I'm upset about something, to at least listen to me and I will in turn try and listen to him and understand when he is upset.

I don't want someone who doesn't want to be around me and only takes an interst in me when he wants sex (I've heard people complaining about this in their relationships). I don't want somone who will not talk to me when they come home from work. I want someone to take an interest in me and I expect they will want me to take an interest in them.

I want someone who will give me a hug from time to time and I will give hugs too. Someone who wants to give a hug rather than someone who has to be told to show me some affection. I want someone that I want to touch and he will want to touch me too.