NT wife needs help understand sex life with AS husband

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I've been married for 17 years to my husband. I am 41 and he is 42. He recently decided that he is no longer interested in sex. It's not a sensory thing -- he said he's just not interested.

I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what to make of this. HELP!

He means he doesn't want any. Not with you, not with anyone else. Just doesn't care for it. This may or may not change. If it's not going to change, then I think Dan Savage has good advice: it's not reasonable for you to go without just because he doesn't want it.

That is correct. He doesn't want any. This started in early March and when I asked him about his 2 days ago he said he definitely is NOT interested.

I listen to Dan's podcasts and tend to agree...however, I'm not really into having sex with others. I wish I could!

There are some beautiful sex toys on the market...and, really, nobody knows you like you know yourself...just make sure your hubby understands that he is not to judge or comment when you're giving yourself loud pleasure, and if he doesn't like it he can go get himself an ice cream and leave you in peace for the duration.

What are dans podcasts??

http://www.savagelovecast.com

I think he's actually a serious jerk a lot of the time, tin ear for women. But he's sometimes funny and sometimes right on.

There was a great article some years ago in some online magazine like Salon or similar. In this case it was the wife who decided she didn't want to have sex for a while. So, the couple spent a lot of time laying entwined on the couch without the pressure of sex. It was really kind of a sweet article in a way.

And I think classic for Masters & Johnson type sex therapy and sensate focusing is for the male to not pursue orgasm or even erection for a while.

Problem is, he knows you're going to want to have sex again. So, kind of in the back of his mind, like a term paper due at the end of the semester . . . but there might be good solutions to this, too.

Unless you are content with the idea, I would meet with a couple's therapist to discuss the issue. I don't think there is anything particularly Aspie about your husband's declaration, and there may be more to this change than he is letting on or possibly even fully understands himself.

How about this as reasonably likely explanation . .

As a guy in the full flush of middle age at 42, your husband doesn't get the hornies as often, not like he used to. But he didn't want to disappoint you, or perhaps even acknowledge this to himself. So, like an athlete doing a workout when he or she is really not in the mood, your husband did it anyway.

This went on for a long while.

And now, he just plain doesn't like sex. (this as one possibility among a number of others)

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As far as a positive response, how about going out of town for a nice weekend trip where one of the preconditions is, no sex. (that even if he comes on to you, you're going to firmly say no. may even start to reverse the dynamic)

This sounds eminently reasonable, someone you can discuss sex with in an open and frank fashion.

But my personal success rate with so-called mental health professions is 1-4. And other people here at WrongPlanet have had similar negative or lousy experiences.

Some psychologists and psychiatrists are "be righters." To this crummy practitioner, he or she "being right" about a diagnosis or even a smaller point is more important than the client's life going well. Others are ideologues for this or that pet theory, or big egoists. I mean, really. I wish it wasn't this way, but at times it really seems to be.

Okay, so there's some good practitioners. Just be prepared to move laterally to find one.

Could your husband possibly be getting into depression?

Most likely hormonal changes, unlike what's commonly believed, a man's libido does decrease with age because testosterone levels start falling down.

Another harsher explanation: he no longer finds you sexually attractive, was there any significant recent change in your appearance? Like a sudden weight gain for example?

I think I've heard something about that you don't own people's bodies, or does this only apply to women? Or do feminists also claim that men must deliver sex when their wives wants it?

Last edited by rdos on 10 Jun 2014, 1:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sounds reasonable and plausible.

I can bet her response would be different if genders were reversed.

If the woman is refusing giving sex then the man should respect that.

If the man is refusing giving sex, then the woman has the right to cheat.

But Tarantella has completely failed to understand the OP's issue, it's not simply the lack of sex itself, but it's the absence of sex with HER HUSBAND OF 17 years - hence she's feeling there's something went wrong in this marriage.

No, you misunderstand completely. And rdos, I'm not going to answer any question about "what feminists believe" - there isn't a feminist factory out there implanting standard chips.

People don't owe each other sex, though it's a normal human desire. If a spouse (regardless of gender) doesn't want to do it any more, fine -- but that's no reason why the other spouse should have to stop having sex too. At that point, as far as I'm concerned, the marriage is open.

Now, having said that, if a guy comes to me and gives me a sob story about his nonsexy wife, I want to talk to the wife and know what's actually going on. And if she's like, "Yeah, I'm just not into it, have fun," then we're on.

I understand that the OP wants to have sex with her husband of 17 years and that there's not just sex but love in there. However, he's made it quite clear that he don't want no more. And she does not belong to go pressuring him about it, or poking away, or trying to get him diagnosed as defective and fixable. His sexuality is entirely up to him. And in the meantime, she gets to come to grips with that disappointing reality without trying to guilt-trip him, and -- assuming she still wants sex -- go find some, or please herself.