Can I have your opinions on AS men and dating!

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So are men with aspergers really at a massive disadvantage when it comes to getting girlfriends?

I have thought about this a lot recently but perhaps share your views and opinions with me on this subject?

I am 24 and under the impression that there is a high chance I will never have a girlfriend cause of my aspergers

Well, you could always move to the United States and, with your London accent, have the pick of the litter among American women who adore Sherlock and Dr. Who. Even Daniel Radcliffe showed how it can be done here. Your AS characteristics can be blamed on British idiosyncracies.

Eh you didn't really answer the question

Well... I am dating a 25 year old aspie who's slept with about 10 women, 3 of which he had long term relationships with.
A friend of mine, 32, also has an ASD. He's also had 3 long term, serious relationships.

So it might be harder, but it is CERTAINLY NOT impossible.

You are right. I apologize for not being more specific. You asked if men with AS suffer a "massive disadvantage" in getting girlfriends. Specifically, of course not. Many men with AS do it successfully all the time. Generally, though, it depends. Attracting dating partners involves the same skills and techniques other people use regardless of the neuro status of either partner. Accentuate your best charateristics, focus on your dating partner, etc.

Having said that, I must admit that my own experience with this matter has been varied at best. You asked also for the views and opinions of others. Mine are these: It isn't easy and there might be times (weeks or even months) where your best efforts aren't seemingly enough to succeed. I don't know the details of your situation, and they don't matter to our conversation. But, realizing that it is difficult even among NTs (including those who are wealthy, attractive, witty and responsible) is a step ahead of those who let their fears keep them from even trying. But, all is not lost. Taking aim at the friends of your family and friends (and so on) would be a great place to start. At the very least, it would give you some practice. Keep mental notes about what works and what doesn't. Don't let rejection stop you.

The best advice I can give is for you to try use online dating.

Depending on your situation, most of us don't socialize nearly enough to get a good cross section of ladies we would find attractive as well as emotionally and personally compatible. As a result I think a lot of us ending up going after whatever's physically around us. Which can suck mostly a lot.

Honestly, while there are exceptions, but its largely a waste of time to go after people -regardless of how physically attractive they are- who have no interest in quirky, eccentric sometimes anti-social weirdos. I think it depends on how comfortable you are with yourself and how well you know yourself, but you have to market yourself as how you are. People like us (myself included) can get down on themselves for having difficulty in social situations, having uncommon hobbies and interests, and just generally not thinking like most of the rest of the world. If you worry about it enough, you can convince yourself that you are broken and wrong. Which is a crock of s**t.

Believe it or not, there are great looking, awesome ladies out there who are super into guys that are off kiltler, a bit shy and don't run with the popular crowd. And you have to aim yourself at them. In other words, if you are looking to find someone to date, look for hot kooky, nerdy shy people, They are out there.

My best success has been with OKCupid. Four dates so far in the space of a few weeks, one with the potential to become serious.

If none of the above makes any damn sense, do a google search for this "How to use OKCupid (from an actual success story.)"

This guy says all the things I say here, but better.

I'm 58. I had my first girlfriend when I was 15 and I've dated on and off since then. Some of my relationships have lasted for years. And, most have ended on a happy note. I found out I'm autistic a little over two years ago. At that time, I tried consciously compensaing for my autism, which turned out to be a disaster. So, I went back to obliviously behaving like I'm acceptable the way I am.

Here is a big hint from a veteran of dating: Like most autistics, many of the things you do and say will carry a bit of ambiguity. Find a babe who either doesn't fill those ambiguities in her mind, or who fills them with positive thoughts. If her default interpretations are generally negative or she is suspicious, pass her by and keep looking. But, if she tends to optimistically give you the benefit of the doubt, you've got a promising woman.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

^^^also agreed. Well-said.

Yes, we're at a disadvantage for dating. I'm not a conversational person and generally weird people out. I'm also permanently out of the dating arena. But if I had to do it all over again, I'd come up with a strategy.

A good basic strategy for dating is to start by going where the women are. You don't have to actually engage anyone, just be there. Get comfortable. Work up the courage for small, 3-sentence conversations, see who out there is the most responsive. Build up a list of names and numbers. Call 'em up. Get as many dates with as many women as possible. Keep it casual. Focus on "friends first." Let women make the first move in order to gauge actual interest. Separate the good ones from the psychos, establish a regular dating pool. You'll eventually find that you tend to spend most of your time with one in particular, and THAT is when you bring up being exclusive. NOW you've got a gf. Meet the folks. If you like them and they like you and your folks, you've got marriage potential. Talk marriage over with the old man, go play golf or go fishing or something (you don't have to like it, just do it). Then go buy a pretty rock. Give it a year to get all your plans in place, then go sign some papers at the courthouse.

Our overall weirdness does put us at a disadvantage, so yeah, we have to work a lot harder than a so-called PUA. You don't have to be "social," but you can't sit at the house and play video games all day, either. Just meet as many people as you possibly and reasonably can, learn when to keep your mouth shut, and just let her do all the talking. I say that because my mouth always gets me in trouble, so I learned to just not say anything. I HAVE learned how to talk to people I have working relationships with, but I have trouble just making that initial contact. I have trouble warming up to people, but I can talk to others once I feel I've got them pretty well figured out. And that just takes time. Usually the only way I get to know people is when someone wants something from me.

Good advice. I think I should make this my mantra

I am too scared to be in a relationship

Are you experiencing general intrepidations, or specific fears?

Post edit: I changed interpolations to intrepidations. I love my Apple hardware, but the software is falling behind - especially the autocorrect and spelling functions.

Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 23 Jun 2014, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's just that I find my life hard enough as iit is and I am such an emotional mess that i don't think I am capable at all (at the present) of being able to hold down a relationship with someone. I am unemployed and don't drive either. Then there is the pain of breaking up with them and constantly checking there Facebook page

That and getting intimate and physical would be very overwhelming for me since I am not used to it.

Sigh before I know it I will be too old to date.

Of those issues on your list, is there one you want to address first?

I actually credit my aspergers with helping me meet my wife. When I was in college, I was always by myself (and I went to a pretty small school). I ate by myself, I walked to class by myself, I studied by myself. And it was because nobody knew anything about me, that all the girls thought I was so "mysterious." But the truth was (and still is) that I was just so freaking awkward that I didn't know how to ask anybody else to hang out.

Even when I actually met my wife, I couldn't even speak. I just walked up next to her and stood there. She eventually said her name...and then after a few awkward moments, she said 'and your name is...'

From that point on, we spent a lot of time together. Before meeting her I never wanted to get married.

Don't think that meeting a significant other is out of reach just because you are AT. You just may have to work a bit harder than most guys.

And we have been married for over 12 years, with two kids. One of which is also on the spectrum.