maybe this isnt the right place? [this may need relocation]

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I'm not really sure if this belongs here. It does revolve around relationships.

I'm definitely autistic. It took me a long time to really accept and process that, and I would actually have arguments with people over it for reasons that are a bit complex [not, likely, for the reasons that might immediately come to mind. It's not like it embarrasses me or frightens me to be diagnosed with autism].

However, I feel like there is almost this... subtle feeling of dislike, detest, negativity floating around. Like, if one is in a relationship- particularly a long term one... it disqualifies one from either actually legitimately being autistic or having claim to any of the difficulties that anyone else identifying as autistic may lay claim to.

It's like there is this on going argument, challenge, not exactly outright spoken: "Wait you have a romantic involvement? And you are autistic? ...is that actually possible?"

I kind of feel hated, but people don't actually know me. This could be partly ME and my perception. In fact, it likely is a large part me and my perception.

Part of it is likely not.
The fact is though: if you split up a group into "haves" and "have nots", there's going to be derision, first of all. Second of all, no one is going to get the full story.

I wanted to write this post because I see a lot of posts talking about relationships and discussing being in relationships... but it's not like "I'm in a relationship" end of story.

Example [obviously mine, but I think it's a decent one]:
I "met" my boyfriend in 2004 on the internet, not on a dating site. On a support site. We got along really well and eventually met in person at this meetup with a bunch of other people.

Wait- we first met in person at the airport, because we lived a little over an hour from each other and so flew out on the same flight, and I was a completely disorganized and nervous wreck and he was extremely patient and kind while I kept dropping all my documents and identification all over the place. He just held my bag and other stuff and had this calming effect.

After the meetup, people kept mentioning that they didn't want to "interrupt us" and we didn't understand what they meant. Apparently we got along well and it took the involvement of another friend [we are both on the spectrum, the friend is not] to TELL US that we "liked each other". Repeatedly.

So then in 2005 we decided "ok we are officially together". And we worked really really really hard at our relationship. It's not like you just "get together" and everything is happy and light and things just fall into place. I don't know if it works like that for NTs, but I don't actually think so. We have put a lot of effort into our relationship.

We actually split apart for over a year toward the end of 2013- at that point we were limping along. We had had a good relationship and didn't want to see it get to the point where we hated each other and were fighting all the time.

At that point, after a couple months, when I was THIRTY ONE, I tried "dating" for the first time ever. I had never really "dated" in the traditional sense- like someone picks you up or you meet them some where and go to eat or something. It was the most ridiculous thing EVER. So i started looking at it as a kind of ridiculous song and dance, and it is. No one worked for me, they were all annoying, and most put too much into this "song and dance". Weren't clear on what they wanted or intended. Would say one thing and mean another. Confusing, frustrating.

I gave up on it, and just went back to "ok, well maybe I'll just meet a friend I really like". I came back around to talking to my ex boyfriend, and we reassessed the situation: Which was really that we had needed to deal with some of our health problems and stuff in our own lives [which we had been doing].

We had gotten burnt out. We are back together and figured out some of the kinks in the relationship- which had actually been very strong, but... nothing is perfect. And that's my point: any relationship is REALLY REALLY HARD. Even the good ones.
And I'm going to get a lot of crap for this post but i actually feel like I'm getting a lot of crap anyway, honestly.

I'm not even sure I belong here because half the time it's like OMG I have a boyfriend so what am I even doing at WrongPlanet?

It's not like it's easy to navigate a relationship with another person. I feel like a lot of these threads that are talking about people on the spectrum having relationships may also be disregarding that even getting to that point is a challenge, but maintaining it is as well.

Just because you can do it, it doesn't mean it is EASY.

I find it at this point similar to when I can "put on a face" and talk to some people in public and they tell me "but you don't look/act/talk like, you are autistic" and they don't have access to any of the real challenges I experience- any of the millions of things going on in my head, the energy I have to put into trying to decipher what they are saying, how my face is looking, how fast I am talking, what the rest of my body is doing... just to make them comfortable.

I'm not in any way diminishing the idea that it sucks if you want a relationship and don't have one, or that it can suck to feel lonely. Not at all. But I am saying that it's not, like "easy" to start, develop, and maintain a relationship. I'm also not sure there is any magic formula. On the other hand, it's not impossible: in my experience it's just been really hard work and dedication.

Is there anyone else that wants to chime in on this?
I don't feel like I'm any kind of authority on the subject, to be clear. And I considered not posting any of this, but I also didn't want to be having a pit of anxiety in my stomach [which... I have now...] every time I looked at the "last posts" list, so I could post this and then I would find out if people can yell at me or not and there would be a conversation or not.

I kind of know what you're talking about, I think, and I agree with you. There was a thread in the last day or so that seemed to have a lot of people on it who seemed puzzled by the people here who are in relationships/married, and there was almost an air of cynicism -- like you say, almost a kind of "Hmm, how come you're autistic but you managed to find someone to marry?" I didn't like the tone of that thread.

While there are people on the autism spectrum who may either never desire to find a relationship, or DO very much desire one but feel they will never have what it takes to meet anyone and start anything -- and I really feel for the person who feels that pain -- there are also people legitmately on the autism spectrum who have managed to have what, on paper, may seem like a so-called "normal" dating life or even a marriage.

What nobody can really know behind those facts is there may also quite possibly be difficulty, nothing that works out, emotional pain, awkwardness, the possibility that that autistic person being "dated" so much may have also just been a repeat target for the predatory instincts of "players" -- or may even have found a genuine, mutual love connection no different from any NT.

Because it IS possible for that to happen too.

I've had a dating life, a sex life, I've had boyfriends and I've even been married --- and divorced. Does that make it be that I can't possibly be on the autism spectrum because I "must have had decent social skills" in order to attract anyone in the first place. No. Not so. There are myriad reasons behind each one of the involvements I've had, how I met that person and how the involvement began. Most often it was the pushiness of the guy, rather than my stunning social skills.......They've also been spread out "few and far between" over the course of forty years. I've had repeat blocks of years in which I've dated nobody at all for years at a time and lived a reclusive life. The marriage I had went down in flames.

There are all kinds of ways that people meet each other and start any level of relationship, and that also applies to all humans, not just those who are autistic. Sometimes just one friend, acquaintance or family member might be the mutual acquaintance. Sometimes it's through work or volunteering. Sometimes it's someone at school with you. My "first love" was a pushy boy who latched onto me and basically bullied me into a romance. I was a deeply unhappy, depressed girl with low self esteem and he was the only one paying me any attention, so I went with it. It's a common scenario for young girls whose families emotionally neglect them. No stunning social skills required, just a boy with a crush cottoning onto that unhappy girl dying for some love.

That's just one example.

I did not like that other thread because it really did feel like those without relationships were almost accusing those who did have or historically have had relationship of almost not being on the spectrum, with a big "how come" atmosphere.

Which is ridiculous because since there is also a genetic component to autism, everyone here probably has a parent or grandparent who was autistic whether diagnosed or not -- and they managed to find someone or obviously the WP member wouldn't exist right now.......

Bottom line:

Not everyone on the autism spectrum is going to find they develop relationship or marriages

Not everyone on the autism spectrum is going to find that they NEVER have relationships

Not everyone on the autism spectrum who does manage to have relationships is necessarily finding healthy ones, or is necessarily treated well, or feeling happy, or is successful at having that relationship go well

Not everyone on the autism spectrum who does manage to have relationships is necessarily unsuccessful at them, given the right partner.

I think the wide variety of member on WP are a living illustration that all these variations of life experience can and do occur. There are happy couples here (or one half of the couple) and there are unhappy people in bad relationships. There are lonely single people and there are content singles and resigned singles (at the moment I'm a resigned single, having had too many very, very bad experiences).

But I do get riled at the suspicion cast by some, upon those who manage to have relationships in their lives even though they have spectrum issues.

.

Relationships require work and effort -- just like everything else in life. It doesn't matter how much in love you are, it's not going to magically work out if both parties don't realize that.

Having said that, I freely admit that I may not be cut out for romantic relationships, myself, because maintaining them -- and also maintaining the vast amount of personal space I usually require -- is far too exhausting for me. If I only I could just kill the desire I still have for that sort of union, I'd be happier.

Some people have a stereotypical narrow misconception regarding Autistic people but there's so many factors like circumstances, social factors, social exposure and people develop at different rates plus some people are able to attract others and integrate better.

It does anger me when people make assumptions but I realise people who rely on ignorance over understanding aren't worth the energy.

I don't think I've ever read anyone here saying that if you've had a relationship then you're not autistic - not only to you, SignOfLazarus, but to anyone. That's not to say that it never happens - I'm sure people have questioned others neurology for all sorts of silly reasons - but I don't think it's a common thing.

That is an interesting way to put it.
I actually was hoping that introducing this thread might be a way to help bridge that gap of misunderstanding, not to further widen it, though? It can take some extra effort on behalf of all parties to do so.

I mean, I get tired of that sometimes, admittedly. "we're all human" <---Funny phrase. I mean, do giraffes for example regularly have pseudo philosophical conversations?

Let's ask him:

"Do you often have conversations like this mister giraffe?"


"...I can't hear you from way up here."

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ok, sorry. heh.