ASPI Question

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Please post your why's and why not's, if any.

I just notice there are a LOT of people here on disability, and although I think most males would be accepting of it from a female, I rather doubt females would accept a male on it as much. I have found that females tend to want a male that will be willing to protect as well take care of them, and find males that they consider equal too or less then them they tend to pass over. its about like the reverse of the thread of "why men are afraid of strong women", why do women want stronger males.

Consider the disabled ASPI being considered disabled because of excessive aspi like qualities, like social anxieties and the like, nothing more.. and the question can go for both men and women. just I am hoping for a bit more then a shrug and then ignoring the thread from the women.

Since you asked...

The difference between dating and friendship is really about the possibility of marriage. And I would not want to knowingly marry an Aspie on disability. If their symptoms are severe enough to be on disability, then there's a lot of other things going on that would negatively impact a relationship. It is not just about money. It is about the sharing of responsibility. Earning money, raising kids, housework, emotional support. An Aspie on disability is likely not going to be able to fully participate in these things, which is going to put an extreme amount of pressure on the other spouse.

Someone on disability is already unable to support themselves, requiring support from the government. But, being on disability for having Aspergers is much different than disability for a physical ailment. A physical ailment is not necessarily going to cause relational problems. Aspieness does, and disability shows some of the severity of the problems.

I have been married 17 years. Marriage is difficult under normal circumstances. I also understand that things can happen and someone could have an illness or accident that causes the need for disability after marriage. But that does create a tremendous amount of strain. A tremendous amount of strain can come from anywhere - financial burdens, illness, problems with extended family, etc.

I have aspie-like qualities myself, no diagnosis. Not sure if I am bad off enough to qualify for a diagnosis, but definitely not bad enough to need disability. I work from home part-time and have been raising two children. I have made a lot of adjustments for myself and learned a lot of social skills, etc. and *still* there are things I do that make my family members have to put in more effort to deal with me. People who love each other make accommodations. That's what you do.

So, if I were on disability, I would not tell the person I was dating/thinking about dating! This is not something to advertise! I would let that person get to know me and decide first if they thought I was a caring, responsible person capable of making a relationship work. Then, disability can be discussed. If you can convince a person that you are well adjusted, good to be around, caring, responsible, etc. then you might be able to work around the disability.

Also, if I were on disability, I would be working as much as possible that is allowable to earn income while remaining on disability. Find a way to work around your difficulties. And get whatever help is necessary to improve your skills. If you do these things, you might be able to show a potential mate that you are not going to just check out of life. This minimizes the effect of the reliance on disability.

I sound mean.

Money is not love, love is better than money. It's corny and not many believe that, but I do, I really don't care about money, it's such a cancer in the eyes of people, it tears people apart and turns them into animals. I will NEVER love based on that. Although as a male it doesn't mean much to say that, I'm supposed to be the earner, but I don't care about that either,because I will never give myself to another person because of my wealth, what does her love mean anyways if she can't love me in my poverty?

Would the child prefer parents that didn't love each other for a meal, or would the child prefer parents that did love each other without one? If I was given the choice I would much rather have parents that loved each other than the opposite, even if I did get hungry, parents that don't love each other tend to display their drama in front of the child, in that there's a price to pay when people choose to love money, and a big part of that price is paid by the child, who gets to witness all sorts of abuse because the love was entirely in money.

Necessary evil is still evil, so beware of that...

All I am saying is that there is a very practical side that must be considered. I wish I could say that love was strong enough to handle all the strains of marriage. But, people are people, and people are faulty. None of us can love perfectly.

Again, speaking as one married 17 years. We have a great marriage and have gone through some very tough times. I once thought in an idealist fashion about marriage, and that money doesn't matter.

I also mentioned in my post that Aspie problems are going to affect more than just money. It's the whole package. Housework, raising children, etc. If someone has social anxieties so severe he/she can't work, is he/she going to be able to attend parent-teacher conferences or a kid's concert/play/ball game? If someone's executive functioning difficulties are so bad he/she can't work, is he/she going to be able to schedule and attend appointments independently or be dependent upon the spouse to take care of these things like a parent would?

To be on disability means that one's Aspie qualities are *very* severe, so much as to interfere with working, which is a basic function of most adults' lives. This is serious.

If an Apsie can learn how to function relatively independently, learning how to work *with* the Aspie-ness and not against, this could take care of the problem of being dependent on disability. But if one is *so* disabled to not even be able to do this, how can one then take on the responsibility of caring for another emotionally, physically, financially as would be in a marriage? I would find it irresponsible to ask someone to enter into that kind of situation, thinking love is enough. I would question, too, if it was love or pity.

One of the best descriptions of healthy relationships I ever heard was in my college interpersonal relationships class. Relationships were described as A-shaped and H-shaped. In the A-shape, the people are leaning into each other. If one side of the A falls, both people fall. In the H-shape, each leg stands on its own and they "join hands" in the middle. In the H-shape, each person can stand independently without needing the other to hold them up. The H-shape is the healthy one.

I *know* I sound very mean. Hard knocks have knocked some of the idealist out of me.

Real love isn't aware of any performance though, in H-shaped relationships it's only a matter of time before someone buckles because human beings will lose their strength, this is guaranteed, no one is an endless source of energy... If neither party have the capacity to love in total weakness, then that love is going to dissolve eventually, it might take awhile, but it's only a matter of time, a love for money, power, etc. dies once those things go away.

If people wish to form a love around those things, they can go ahead, you'll have comfort... and and easier life, but be aware that there are better things in life than just pleasure or security. Simply enjoying another's company regardless of what they can or cannot do for me, is one of them.

It's hard to vote with such black-and-white options. I think my answer is "unlikely". Not because of the disability payments, as such (ie. not because of the financial aspect of it), but because if their AS is serious enough to qualify for disability then it's likely to cause too many relationship issues. Theoretically, however, it's possible that whatever qualifies them for disability is not an issue for me.

No, I wouldn't, and I wouldn't expect someone to date me if I were on disability OR in such a state that I'd qualify to be on it - i.e. the state I was in a couple of years ago before figuring out how to treat my AS symptoms successfully. Now I'm approaching datable material, but am still working on myself and my various goals as it's a never ending process of continuous improvement.. and I have bigger/better goals to reach over the next few years.

People want strong providers for their mates. Strong physically, mentally, emotionally, financially etc. They also want them to be able to afford to take care of them financially - but it's not just about money. It's about the type of person you have to be to earn that money, the whole package. It's about their capabilities to do things of value, to focus on and achieve goals, to succeed socially & in work/business/life etc. Money is simply the social currency that we use as a measuring stick to gauge someone's success in all of these areas and more. If they're successful in life/work/play and so forth, they're also very likely to be financially successful. So, the money is important, yes... but it's about the whole package of a person who is strong, and a capable protector & financial provider.

If you want the ~100 page answer, read the philosophy book "Might is Right" (aka "Survival of the Fittest") by Ragnar Redbeard. It really does make it crystal clear what it is about stronger people, winners, the successful etc that others find attractive.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I was married to someone on disability.

I get the impression that the OP is looking for something to do with "is it okay if I'm poor" or "does disability mean I'm a loser to you". But like nerdygirl says, there's a lot more to it than that.

I'd say it really depends on the nature and expected duration of the disability, what that person was able to do, what his attitude was towards life and his disability, how much of his own life the disability consumed, and what he expected from me. Some disabilities are far more disabling than others, and some people handle disability better than others do.

As far as the money goes, as long as he wasn't looking to me to support him or be a ready source of loans, it wouldn't make any difference to me. If he was going to be all ego-hurt or insecure that I wanted to hang out at my place rather than his, though, or that I was going to go on living nicely, that could be a problem.

While not me personally, I have a relevant story to share.

A woman I know has been dating again for the last couple years and one of the guys she became friends with through a local pub is on disability. He wanted to date her. She didn't want to date him - and not just because he's on disability.. but rather because he was so depressed all the time, and because he used religious beliefs to justify his homophobic opinions and she didn't like that about him at all, but also because of finances. Disability doesn't pay much. She doesn't need his, or anyone's, money to get by as she is an RN with a solid income.. but she brought up a very good point that she's used to the lifestyle her income affords her and if she wants to go on a vacation (or even dates) with a boyfriend she doesn't want to be paying for him because he can't cover his half of expenses. She wouldn't want to not do fun/nice things or not go on vacations etc due to dating someone who's income was so far removed from matching hers. She's not looking for a wealthy sugar daddy, and doesn't care if a guy makes less than her, but made a very good point of why she wouldn't want to be with someone who had a disability level income.. because that's not the lifestyle she wants. At all. And I can't blame her one bit.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

A life stile based on money and security? Oh why shouldn't you.
You do not truly know what living is, do you?