I kissed a friend - 2nd update

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This is an update to a couple of threads I posted, about the aftermath of a misread signal that prompted me to kiss my friend...a kiss that was unwanted. I struggled with guilt and shame afterwards, and got a lot of great advice.

First of all, I've not really talked to my friend since. I wish I could hang out with her, but I think the well is poisoned. How can I possibly invite her over for a movie? I fear she'll think I'm using it as a pretext, and I wouldn't blame her, after my ungentlemanly behavior.

But something else has happened. For so long I've struggled with this desire, this desperation to find a companion, to find love, to be like other normal people, like my friends who are all marrying and having kids and living normal lives, while I still live in the same rundown apartment, working away on films that no one will probably ever care to see. I was feel so ashamed and down on myself, and suffered terrible anxiety and depression over my inability to form a real relationship.

But since this kissing incident, something has changed in me. Not long after I signed up for OKCupid- my fourth or fifth try, after I've deleted each prior account. But you know what? I've not entered in any info or attached any pictures.

I. Just. Don't. Care. I don't care. I don't care to put time and effort into this profile. I don't care about dating anymore. I still have a physical desire for love, but this is easily sublimated or self-released (you know what I mean) and the desire subsides. I don't care to waste the money I could spend on work and my hobbies. I don't feel inclined to waste time on trying to date knowing I'll just fail. Because if at 30 I've not even had a girlfriend, it's clearly not going to happen...at least not until I've made a success out of myself and become more desirable. But even still..

I feel growing nearer to contentment. I'm doing all I can, and I'm in control, and that which I can't control I've cut out of my life. I'm through putting my happiness in the hands of some phantom woman I'll never meet, who'll never exist. I'm taking charge and learning to just enjoy things as they are. I feel like a weight is lifted, and a wish has been granted. I'm no longer a slave to my desires. And dating and love is just a passing fancy. I feel like I've moved on and am ready to live the rest of my life.

Oh sure, there are ups and downs and momentary urges to seek someone out. But overall, the desire is almost non-existent. And I feel happy. I feel content.

This is my opinion; I personally feel that since we Aspies are "different" from the general population, Aspies should seek out other Aspies because they both would better understand each other.

I'd like to say "I'm happy to hear that you are nearing contentment without a girlfriend and I wish I could do the same" - but the fact that you created an OKC profile, yet again, gives rise to some doubts about that in my mind. If you truly don't care about dating then why would you have a profile on a dating site at all?

As for the friend, I get what you're saying and I have experienced that kind of "social fear" where I think others will interpret my actions in the worst possible way, but this is extreme even by my standards. After all your apologies I really doubt that your friend would interpret your invitation to spend time together as a "pretext" to again do the thing you apologised for! In any case, why not let her decide that?

You should never put your happiness in the hands of another anyway.

Can't you try stuff that's not a dating site? If something is rubbish and doesn't work for you, why beat yourself up with it again?

You could do other stuff, like joining clubs for people with your common interest. I regard THAT as better than going on dating sites, any day!

^ ^

Hear, hear!

You are so right. I feel like there are a lot more diverse common interest clubs in America than in the Netherlands.
I don't know what my interests are. How do I find that out?

Brain's Kiss - The Never-ending Saga.

I've tried clubs from time to time but nothing's clicked yet. Like I went to a History meetup once, but it was a lot of older people (as in ten years older and up) and they were all dilettantes. I'd like to find more groups of serious adherents, not just hobbyists and dabblers.

And to Face of Boo, all I can say is I'm trying to better my self, cognitively and behaviorally. If you can't contribute something constructive, I'd rather you not waste your energy. Surely you have better things to do than just snipe and make snide remarks? Because if that's not the case, it's truly pathetic and a waste of life.

That's the paradox for me. I feel more understood by an aspie partner which also makes me feel more at ease when I am with another aspie. But at the same time I struggled with the lack of empathy, spontaniety, connectedness which I might have more chance finding in a relationship with an NT.

That's good, I encourage you.

No more drama about this kiss, and it would be a good idea to deactivate your okc for now, just my opinion.

Brian, you haven't arrived yet, but you are very, very close to understanding everything. Your newfound contentedness is a very positive indication. Congratulations!

Because of your new, relaxed attitude, you will notice new opportunities start to open up. Don't actively desire them or seek them out. Just be ready and accept them when the time comes. I went through something similar some 16 years ago. Just last week, even, I had an interesting encounter with a woman. Nothing happened, nothing is going to happen, but it was interesting and it made me smile. So best wishes!

Maybe an ADHD Autistic?

This is very true. I've had some date offers during the last few weeks. I found two of the guys cute, but I realised if I hung out with them, I probably wouldn't be able to stand them, and vice-versa. It's just not worth getting into a relationship for the sake of it.

I did something in this vein: I joined a singles club. I havn't gotten any dates out of it (though I've both not tried very hard and seen opportunities and borked them). Something like that might be good. you get to hang out with people, (specifically girls) but theres no real dating pressure.

Brian's Kiss, Episode 3: Revenge of the Kiss
(Sorry Brian, I couldn't resist, the first installment was one of the wilder threads I've ever seen.)

But regarding finding a partner, I've kind of given up too. I have a guyfriend, but that's mostly about dinner and sex. He's not a soulmate. Finding someone who could stand to live with me and share my life seems unlikely as I'm kind of disfunctional. Like you, I am focusing on my own interests and trying to find happiness within myself.

I also know what you mean with regard to the kiss putting an end to the relationship. Some things you can't step back from. Although, I still think you did nothing wrong. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I am glad you are feeling contentment.