Need help to analyze this situation (maybe NT ppl can help)

Page 1 of 1 [ 15 posts ] 

ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

07 Jul 2014, 5:08 am

Hi. I'm an aspie and I'm having a sort of problem about a guy I can't get over. Can you, please, help me understand this?
Around 9 months ago I was going out with this guy and the last time we saw each other, he said "I'm in love" and later "Do you want to date me?". As an aspie, I ended up giving a kind of cold response which was "That early?". But previously, I said I liked him. Tried messaging him on the phone but no reply. A few days later I tried again, no reply. Again, a few days later I messaged him on Facebook "when are we meeting again?". No reply. In this time frame, he posted songs that included "I wish he was my boyfriend" and another one saying "Can't you see I'm knocking at your door" with the subtitle "this could never be more true". I got confused, cause he was ignoring me but also seemed to like me at the same time. This motivated me to try once again to contact him (and maybe humiliate myself a bit more, lol). There was a show going on, and he liked the artist. I sent to his phone "x artist will be performing at that place for free" followed by "you'll most likely just ignore me, but I just thought about letting you know" (the despair, haha). I got a reply this time: "hahaha" and "I'm going to work already". Later, I messaged "Can we talk, please?". No reply.
Note: messages were sent. No doubt on this (Whatsapp for the phone messages).
The thing is I can't get this out my head. And it is slowly turning into an obsession. Life went on, I met other people, I kept doing my stuff but I can't lie, I still like him.
So, finally: If he seemed to like me, why did he ignore me that way? Was that response that offensive?

Sorry for the long text and thank you.



IncredibleFrog
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 May 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 248

07 Jul 2014, 6:11 am

He most likely thought that when you said that that you were rejecting him. He probably feels embarrassed about having said something, especially if he said he was in love. He probably thought your messages and invitations were just you being friendly and maybe feeling sorry for him.

If you want him back at this point, the best thing to do is to be honest. I know it's hard, but at this point you have nothing to lose, since he won't even respond to your messages. You might get him back, or if he says no, at least you will have closure.

Just tell him you were only joking when you said it was too early to date, that you thought about it and you like him back, and that you'd like to date him after all if he still wants to. Wait for him to reply, and if he never does you can safely says it's over. If he does reply and says he still wants to go out, then yay!

P.S. You asked for an NT, and I am one. Sort of. :P

P.P.S. How long ago did he confess to you?

P.P.P.S Let me know how things go!



ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

07 Jul 2014, 6:31 am

IncredibleFrog wrote:
He most likely thought that when you said that that you were rejecting him. He probably feels embarrassed about having said something, especially if he said he was in love. He probably thought your messages and invitations were just you being friendly and maybe feeling sorry for him.

If you want him back at this point, the best thing to do is to be honest. I know it's hard, but at this point you have nothing to lose, since he won't even respond to your messages. You might get him back, or if he says no, at least you will have closure.

Just tell him you were only joking when you said it was too early to date, that you thought about it and you like him back, and that you'd like to date him after all if he still wants to. Wait for him to reply, and if he never does you can safely says it's over. If he does reply and says he still wants to go out, then yay!

P.S. You asked for an NT, and I am one. Sort of. :P

P.P.S. How long ago did he confess to you?

P.P.P.S Let me know how things go!


Wow. That's why I said a NT could probably analyze this easier, as he is NT as well. I never thought about it this way, but it makes sense to feel embarrassed. Ofc, all help from non-nt is welcome as well :D
I didn't notice that and kind of felt humiliated running after him with no response.
I'll be honest that just thinking about the possibility of having him back put a big smile on my face.
As a note, we met like 4 years ago and chatted but nothing happened, didn't see him again in ages and started flirting around 2 years ago.
Problem is that was quite a long time ago, we went out 9-10 months ago, and he confessed 8 months ago or so. If only I had asked for help earlier. I'm temporarily away from my city and I'll be back in 6 months.
Guess I'll go where he can see me and then try to message him when I get back.
I'll make sure to keep it updated :)
Thanks



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

07 Jul 2014, 8:05 am

Frankly, it sounds like the guy was playing games.

I'd avoid these sorts of guys.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

07 Jul 2014, 8:31 am

My only advice is that if you are polyamory, just see him as one of your attachments right now, and get on with your life and get new attachments. If you are not polyamory, you need to get him out of your mind.



ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

07 Jul 2014, 11:52 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Frankly, it sounds like the guy was playing games.

I'd avoid these sorts of guys.


Possible, kind of difficult to notice being an aspie. He made some strong statements to me, that's why I still feel shaken.

rdos wrote:
My only advice is that if you are polyamory, just see him as one of your attachments right now, and get on with your life and get new attachments. If you are not polyamory, you need to get him out of your mind.


That happened 9 months ago. I'm not polyamory, more like demisexual.

Thank you for your help, both of you (:



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,302
Location: Canada

09 Jul 2014, 8:45 pm

Yeah, he felt rejected at your response to "I think I'm in love". You don't sound like you knew how to answer that and now wish you could have thrown him a bone and brought him closer to you. It didn't.

As a guy, after feeling rejected, I'm going to keep the person rejecting me at arms length. I'll likely be more careful saying anything around the girl because I'll feel she doesn't care. Your wanting to talk to him is probably confusing as well.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

23 Jul 2014, 2:17 pm

aspiemike wrote:
Yeah, he felt rejected at your response to "I think I'm in love". You don't sound like you knew how to answer that and now wish you could have thrown him a bone and brought him closer to you. It didn't.

As a guy, after feeling rejected, I'm going to keep the person rejecting me at arms length. I'll likely be more careful saying anything around the girl because I'll feel she doesn't care. Your wanting to talk to him is probably confusing as well.


Well, thanks. It's a lot clearer for me now.
He deleted me these days from Facebook, so I guess it's finally time to let these feelings go.
A friend suggested me to write to him somehow and finish this for once, electronic or letter. I'm writing it but I won't send it, specially cause he's just deleted me and I'm not even in the city.
I'm getting to the point that I don't know what would happen if ever were together again, it could just have no future so I'm calmer now. I just might be looking for someone more in line with what I think.

Thanks, everybody :)



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

24 Jul 2014, 7:52 am

There's other fish in the sea :wink:



Cafeaulait
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,539
Location: Europe

24 Jul 2014, 8:28 am

ypi wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
Yeah, he felt rejected at your response to "I think I'm in love". You don't sound like you knew how to answer that and now wish you could have thrown him a bone and brought him closer to you. It didn't.

As a guy, after feeling rejected, I'm going to keep the person rejecting me at arms length. I'll likely be more careful saying anything around the girl because I'll feel she doesn't care. Your wanting to talk to him is probably confusing as well.


Well, thanks. It's a lot clearer for me now.
He deleted me these days from Facebook, so I guess it's finally time to let these feelings go.
A friend suggested me to write to him somehow and finish this for once, electronic or letter. I'm writing it but I won't send it, specially cause he's just deleted me and I'm not even in the city.
I'm getting to the point that I don't know what would happen if ever were together again, it could just have no future so I'm calmer now. I just might be looking for someone more in line with what I think.

Thanks, everybody :)


I guess he felt rejected by you, then decided to keep you at arm length and forget about you. It could be that he is still so hurt by your response that deleting you is easier for him ... or he's just moved in with his life and sees no value in keeping you on facebook.
Time for you to move on... you can find someone that fits you way better.



RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 65
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,145

24 Jul 2014, 8:58 am

Stop blaming yourself. This guy is playing with your head. All of that other stuff is for somebody else. Move on and forget this ever happened before somebody calls the cops on you and accuses you of stalking and harassment. Some people - even adults - do vicious things to people who make themselves so available. Get busy with something EXCEPT this individual.
You'll end up having a whole relationship in your own head. That's cruel to do to yourself.



ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

24 Jul 2014, 2:54 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
There's other fish in the sea :wink:


I wish human mind was that simple.

Cafeaulait wrote:
ypi wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
Yeah, he felt rejected at your response to "I think I'm in love". You don't sound like you knew how to answer that and now wish you could have thrown him a bone and brought him closer to you. It didn't.

As a guy, after feeling rejected, I'm going to keep the person rejecting me at arms length. I'll likely be more careful saying anything around the girl because I'll feel she doesn't care. Your wanting to talk to him is probably confusing as well.


Well, thanks. It's a lot clearer for me now.
He deleted me these days from Facebook, so I guess it's finally time to let these feelings go.
A friend suggested me to write to him somehow and finish this for once, electronic or letter. I'm writing it but I won't send it, specially cause he's just deleted me and I'm not even in the city.
I'm getting to the point that I don't know what would happen if ever were together again, it could just have no future so I'm calmer now. I just might be looking for someone more in line with what I think.

Thanks, everybody :)


I guess he felt rejected by you, then decided to keep you at arm length and forget about you. It could be that he is still so hurt by your response that deleting you is easier for him ... or he's just moved in with his life and sees no value in keeping you on facebook.
Time for you to move on... you can find someone that fits you way better.


Trying to do that. Almost there, I guess :D

RightGalaxy wrote:
Stop blaming yourself. This guy is playing with your head. All of that other stuff is for somebody else. Move on and forget this ever happened before somebody calls the cops on you and accuses you of stalking and harassment. Some people - even adults - do vicious things to people who make themselves so available. Get busy with something EXCEPT this individual.
You'll end up having a whole relationship in your own head. That's cruel to do to yourself.


I was unsure if you read because there's no stalking or harassment at all. As I said, he didn't reply and we never contacted again. I never sent a single message or went after him in real life. I'm sure since ever there's no relationship. I just still like him and he comes back to my mind, like a matter I haven't solved yet. But it's changing, as I just said.

Thank you all.



Jenna403
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2014
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 56

24 Jul 2014, 6:30 pm

I'm not going to be much help because I see nothing wrong with how you responded when he asked if you wanted to date him. I'm aspie too though so maybe that's why. If I had to guess why he is acting that way, I would say that there is probably something else going on with him that has nothing to do with you. People are complicated. Maybe he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship or maybe he got back together with an ex. Who knows? Dont stress out thinking it was something you said or did, it probably wasnt you at all.



Stargazer43
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Nov 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,604

24 Jul 2014, 8:22 pm

It sounds to me like he was just playing you for a fool the whole time. If he truly did like you or want to date you, he would have responded to at least one of your messages, whether he felt rejected or not (and what you said was a perfectly reasonable response in my opinion, and nothing for someone to feel hurt over).



ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

25 Jul 2014, 2:56 pm

Jenna403 wrote:
I'm not going to be much help because I see nothing wrong with how you responded when he asked if you wanted to date him. I'm aspie too though so maybe that's why. If I had to guess why he is acting that way, I would say that there is probably something else going on with him that has nothing to do with you. People are complicated. Maybe he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship or maybe he got back together with an ex. Who knows? Dont stress out thinking it was something you said or did, it probably wasnt you at all.

Yeah, I didn't see as well. I quit overthinking now, thank you for the advice.

Stargazer43 wrote:
It sounds to me like he was just playing you for a fool the whole time. If he truly did like you or want to date you, he would have responded to at least one of your messages, whether he felt rejected or not (and what you said was a perfectly reasonable response in my opinion, and nothing for someone to feel hurt over).

That's what I thought, I just wanted to understand the situation better. It seems it was kinda offensive to him. It's almost solved in my head now.

Thank you.