I'd really like to talk to someone about my marriage....

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If there are any aspies out there who are married or in a serious relationship to non aspies and have managed to make it work, I would love to speak with you and find out where the wife and I went wrong.

My primary problem is that I don't have any friends of family so it's very hard to judge whether it's the wife or I who is overstepping or not stepping up enough to make the marriage work.

She feels I get my way 100% of the time, I feel she gets her way 100% of the time, it's really immature and messy.

I do not want to go into a lot of detail on this public forum I would need to speak with someone in private if it's possible.

Thanks.

Have you tried marriage counselling?

She is too far past that, she has been dealing with me for years and has in her words "put up a brick wall" so she can no longer get emotionally hurt. She is at the stage now where I have to fix or file down the sharp edges of my aspergers if we are able to stay together.

i'm an aspie married to a neurotypical for five years. feel free to PM me.

you can pm me as well

It sounds like you both need individual counseling. If she's been hurt to that extent, everything you do is going to set her off. While you're learning to soften your approach and be more NTish, she's going to have to learn how to accept and handle the AS. If she's already badly hurt it may not be possible. If you guys can afford it, it may be worthwhile to separate for a bit so that she can pull herself together, desensitize, detach from the arguments a bit, then come back and see what you two can do.

Been married almost 23 years (I'm aspie - wife is NT) and trust me, a good marriage counselor is worth 10X their weight in gold. As a neutral third party they can help both of you tear down the walls between you and your spouse and point out ways that both of you can be better marriage partners.

Your heart is in the right place. Your wife might be agreeable to see a marriage counselor with you if you tell her you'd like to work together with her and a counselor to make you marriage better.

Good luck

With or without neurodiversity, I think you'll find that when a marriage isn't going well both parties feel like the other gets their way 100% of the time.

If you can sit down and rationally discuss what it will take to make you both happy, and if you are both willing to make that happen, I believe marriage can work. Using a marriage councilor can help, but the follow through is crucial.

You can PM me too if you want to talk, but my story did not have a happy ending. I don't want to go into detail publicly, speaking ill of the ex is tacky.

Feel free to PM me as well.

I am most likely Aspie, my husband most likely not. Married 17 years and going strong. We have had our tough times and come out the other side with much more understanding of each other, and closer than ever.

I'd be glad to share whatever wisdom I might have.

Marriage counselors take the wife's side 95% of the time. It's not going benefit the OP. My advice for him is to find a good divorce attorney, and put him/her on retainer. Not get a divorce; there's still hope. But definitely someone to legally defend him, because his wife might be making divorce plans already, in which case, he could lose 50% of his assets very easily.

OP - feel free to PM me. I'm where your wife is. You're where my husband is. I'm DONE - but could definitely use someone with his perspective to help me handle this with him in the most constructive and trouble free way possible. I can - depending on your individual circumstances - perhaps offer you the perspective of an NT wife that might be helpful to you.

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@ Aspie1 - Marriage counsellors side with the woman 95% of the time? Citation please!

Maybe she could lose 50% of her assets? Maybe she earns more...

I'm a female with AS, so I'm looking from your point of view with a female lens.

OP, you'll need a mediator at the bare minimum if she's already told you that she's put up a wall. It's apparent that what you two have done so far is not meaningful communication for either of you.

I think you should try to consult with a professional, truthfully.

A lot of women need to feel emotionally secure; have you been there for her? I'm not trying to take sides, but she may need more input from you for her to feel secure in your relationship. This whole "you always get what you want" could be her way of trying to express her frustrations.

However, divorce is an option if you can't make it work. If this has been going on for a while, the stress can magnify some aspects of AS that can be destructive in general.

Maybe you all could set up a system where you all take turns getting what you want? It sounds trite and childish, but if it's what you need to level the playing field, then it can't hurt.

Best of luck to you, OP!

It's on every TV show that mentions marriage counseling even once. Every single one. Now, don't tell me "it's just a TV show"! The producers had to have gotten their ideas from somewhere. Maybe even their own marriages at home. Art imitates life. OK OK, the number was an estimate. But most marriage counselors definitely take the wife's side and blame the husband for everything. I just wish I knew what they're gaining from it.

I'd love to know where you found these counsellors, because I nearly always got blamed for everything, and I'm female!

Nothing in here is good advice except possibly the lawyer-shopping bit, and only if they have kids. Otherwise it's going to be pretty straightforward and he'll mostly want to go with someone sane and low-retainer. And no, he's not going to lose 50% of his assets, assuming they haven't already mingled all the assets & property & debt anyway. Reality seldom looks like TV.

I found them in the United States. It probably has to do with the fact that the US marital laws heavily favor the wife. Or maybe marriage counseling clinics are owned by the same parent companies as divorce law firms.

I''m not familiar with Australia's marital laws, but I guess things must be different in Australia.