Help with Aspie man

Post Reply New Topic

I've been dating an Aspie man for 4 months now. He isn't diagnosed, yet acknowledges that he is 'wired differently'. He is sweet, unique and interesting. He is also a walking contradiction. He says he loves me, and wants me to have his child. Yet, he is content to see me once every two to three weeks and texting only!! I'm ok with taking it slow with him, but when he's talking about a kid, I think he should be around more, and have told him so. He seems so rigid, and does not like to make plans...he admits to not liking to be spontaneous as well. As you can see, this is a huge problem. My first question to Aspies is, why the distance when we have such a great time together? It makes no sense to me at all.

A smaller issue is occasionally I will text him a question (of an emotional nature) and will get no response at all. For example, I asked him if he was 'sure about me' our relationship...
What does the lack of response indicate? Did he not get the question?

Thanks for your help

Aspie guys are noted for being irritated at being asked "emotional"-type questions. I am part of that camp. I don't like being asked these sorts of questions myself--though I acknowledge that they must be asked at times.

DON'T have a kid with him, unless you're married to him. And unless he communicates with you via another method other than text messaging. He also has to see you more frequently than "every few weeks." Being married to him will guarantee his presence EVERY DAY. One cannot be a father "every few weeks."

There have been cases (documented here on WarmPlanet) where the woman assumes both the mommy and daddy role, and the guy just goes on a self-indulgent trip, with nary a sense of responsibility.

I would, definitely, hold off on the kid, and on a deeper relationship, until you guys see each other more often.

@KraftieKortie, thanks for responding. Problem is I am 40, so there's not much time. He's the one who wants the kid so badly...he's mid forties.

I agree with you totally. Can you help me understand the rigidity? Why no phone calls? He seems comfortable around me. Is it anxiety? He seems to like to have a few beers before he sees me...:/

I understand about the biological clock and everything.

If worst comes to worst, and you really want a child, you could always adopt. Nothing wrong with that--especially from the standpoint of the adopted kid.

At this point, this guy is not a suitable partner to have a kid with. He has to be a 100% father at all times, not when it's convenient for him. You have to know that he understands that fact--otherwise, you'll be holding the bag.

Is he one to have meltdowns when he doesn't get his way, or when his routine is "tampered with" in some way? If so, this would render this guy less suitable to be a dad. Daddy can't be having meltdowns when the kid needs his diaper changed.

It is probable that this guy values his privacy very much, and he doesn't have the typical "neurotypical" desire to always be in contact with another person. Hence, the "phone" situation which you find yourself in. Some Aspies are quite rigid in their thinking, and in their routines. They experience difficulty in adjusting their routines to another person's. I know I have experienced this difficulty. I like to do certain things at certain times, without the input of somebody else.

I have a wife--and I chafe at the responsibility of being a husband sometimes. I don't like it, sometimes, that I have to come home to my wife; there are times when I like to be alone with my thoughts.

Thanks again! As for the meltdown, not sure. I think he avoids me on bad days. He has a term for it....going 'underground'. What exactly is a meltdown anyway? Also, I've never used the word 'Aspergers' with him. I told him I will not use a label with him, as I'm not an MD.

I've wanted to say that's what I think he has...but I'm scared. He respects my intelligence greatly and says so all the time. I think self-awareness will help, but I was waiting until we get closer. Do you think I should tell him, or perhaps direct him to this website. I, myself am not neurotypical per se. I have ADD hyperfocused type. Currently im hyperfocused on learning about Aspergers :\.

A meltdown could take many forms. One of them looks like a temper tantrum. Other times, a person in a meltdown will not be able to be "reached." The person will be in his own world--even, perhaps, in an emergency. Other times, the person will physically escape from the cause of the meltdown. Many Aspies don't have meltdowns, though.

He cannot go "underground" when he's a father--that's all there is to it.

I feel the same way sometimes--maybe this is why I didn't become a father?

The father has to be "on call" 24/7.

Perhaps 'underground' is a meltdown? What exactly do you mean by 'emergency'? I think he avoids me and doesn't like to plan dates because he doesn't know how he's going to feel from one day (or hour) to the next. Everything seems in the moment. I think he's trying to hide symptoms from me....do you agree?

Also, I want to tell him I believe he has Aspergers, but I'm scared. I've wanted to do it so many times. It's like the punk elephant in the room. Should I?

"Underground" is not a meltdown. It is, possibly, done to avoid a meltdown.

I probably wouldn't tell him you think he has Asperger's--unless you're in a situation where he is confiding in you. Or unless you're in a relationship where he doesn't text you every couple of weeks, and goes "underground" frequently.

It's nice that you respect his need for privacy. Like I said, though, he can't do this when he's a dad.

Just out of curiosity, what is it that attracts you to him? Is he a challenge to you--unlike most NT guys? Or maybe he's not like most NT guys?

We text/communicate almost daily. It's the dates that are infrequent. He runs a farm and goes to it frequently as well. He asked me to go once, but I couldn't leave my daughter alone overnight.

Well, we met online. He was extremely old-fashioned romantic, which I liked. Very sweet. We met and he was gorgeous, quiet, and mysterious. We had immediate physical chemistry, but he was a gentleman about it. Not pushy at all!

Also, he's extremely smart! One of his obsessions is trivia, like competitions for Cash prizes. One of our first dates we did trivia and I was floored by all that he knew. (We won of course). I remember he commented on the bar smelling weird (it didn't to me). I said like what? He said like fungus?!

I also like that he had a spiritual side, but doesn't obsess about it. He is not pretentious at all, which was like a breath of fresh air. Idk? I could go on. There are things I don't like as well :/

I think the meltdowns are the issue. They are getting in his way of properly demonstrating love to you. Im a Christian and I find my daily prayers help me out big time. I don't know where I'd be now if it wasn't for my faith in God. For the things I can't control, I've learned to have faith.

I can't remember the last time I had a meltdown. But I have found most of mine have occurred when I wouldn't speak up about what is bothering me and bottled them up. Meltdowns can't be avoided if you bottle things up I am finding. But learning to express yourself certainly can reduce or even prevent them.

It sounds like you like the guy.

LOL....I'm pretty good at trivia myself--why can't I find a girl who appreciates that? I'm also an "old-fashioned" gentleman. I'm into chivalrous things. I wish I could save many Rapunzels!

You have a child already--I could understand his need for a kid, though. How old is your child?

He has to change a bit in order to be a good father, though. It's important for a father to be a good father.

The last time we were together he said 'Thank you Jesus' at a random moment while we were walking outside. @aspiemike, do you think he's trying to hide his nature from me? I've told him more than once to just be himself with me. I've always been around people who are "different" in one way or another. I think he has a beautiful mind. I don't mind his quirks either. (Like he wears the same few clothes all the time and removes almost all body hair!)

Sigh! Idk if I have the patience. What I mean is I'm not sure if he'll ever come around. One time he was a bit tipsy and said, ' I love you. Now what do I do?'

I said, 'you need to let me in...' He said, 'what does that mean?'
See....talking things literally. All NT adults know what that statement means.

Hi. You have to understand -- this is an idea to him, having a child. He isn't prepared to do what you actually need to do to raise a child. He's not insincere, but it sounds like he really doesn't understand what's involved, and it doesn't sound as though he's ready for any such thing. Certainly not if he can't predict his own emotional state far enough to plan a date and go. He may never be ready for this -- throwing caution to the winds and hoping that becoming a father will "make him more attached" or "help him grow up" or some such...not a good idea.

Which is also why you should be quite careful about involving your daughter. If things are overwhelming for him he may simply vanish, and he won't be focused on whether or not a young child has gotten attached.

It sounds to me like you're focusing very strongly on the good parts, which is nice, but you're filling in the spaces by imagining he's got qualities that he hasn't, really.

My girl is 12...he has met her briefly. One time she asked why I don't go hang out with him...it was sad because I wanted to but he's so weird about seeing me...

Actually. I'm suggesting what tarantella and kraftie have already indicated themselves: the guy doesn't know how to express himself. And it doesn't look like he knows based on the information you have given. Perhaps he is afraid, but who knows. Talk is one thing, but actions are another.

This is a question for Aspie men--do you feel emotionally connected to the woman in your life? He was the first to say 'I love you' to me. He says it every time he sees me. We also have great sex. Yet, I miss him on these long stretches of not seeing each other, which is normal. Does he miss me, or is it an out of sight, out of mind mentality?