neurotypical attempting to date someone with aspergers

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I need some advice about dating someone with aspergers and having little to no experience with it I felt online might be best. A couple of months back me and this guy were hanging out and I told him I thought he was great and he admitted to liking me. For the next month we hung out lots, mostly drinking because it seemed to lessen any awkwardness, and had heaps of fun and seemed to be dating. Then he was due to leave overseas for three weeks and he admitted to me he was seeing his ex-girlfriend, things got super awkward and I asked him if he wanted to stop dating, he said yes and we agreed to be friends. He said he wasn't mentally prepared for dating someone and knew his ex wanted to get back together. However, when he came back we were hanging out and both a little drunk and admitted to still liking each other and ended up sleeping together. He said after that he still likes me and wants to hang out but I have no idea which was he means, as friends, as more than friends? Then I made the mistake of tricking him into letting me stay at his house the other night and whilst at the time he was happy to cuddle in the morning he was really angry with me. I just have no idea where I stand and when he says he likes me I have no idea which way he means, I'm scared to ask because I really like him and want to continue things and feel like by having this conversation with him it will make him feel awkward and he might end up ending it again. I also want to spend time with him, but every time I ask him to do stuff I feel like I'm annoying him. What should I do?

I don't know this has to do with Aspergers. Being emotionally confused like this boy is wouldn't be considered a trait or characteristic in any definition of Aspergers I have seen.

With that being said. Your guy friend sounds like he is emotionally confused between you and the ex. I can't think of anything better to say other than letting you know that he is going to have to decide which one between the two of you he wants to be with. You will have to find a way to have this conversation and also be prepared to walk away from any romantic relationship with the guy.

I guess the aspergers bit comes in when he just doesn't want to hang out or doesn't reply to messages. I find it hard to distinguish if it's cos he doesn't want to spend time with me or talk to me, or if it's due to him shutting down. He has periods of being somewhat friendly and then periods of just shutting down and not wanting to see anyone. When we talk about stuff to do with ex or to do with where we are at he really struggles, he gets super awkward and will usually not be able to answer questions and tries to physically hide himself behind a blanket or item of clothing. I try to be patient with him and be comforting because it looks like the conversation is actually paining him. Is this something to do with aspergers? He's also, always so indecisive and struggles immensely in social situations.

Errr does this man actually have a diagnosis for aspergers or is this just speculation?


To be honest, even if he does have aspergers, I don't see how it's of any relation to the current situation. Just be straight forward about things and ask where he stands and make clear where you stand.

Whether he has Asperger's or not, this sounds to me like any case of anyone who is seeing somebody else, or still hung up on them, but is keeping you dangling on a string, either out of genuine confusion.....or just so they can have their cake and eat it too.

I think this guy is using you. To let you stay, to sleep with you and "not mind" cuddling, yet at the same time seem angry......aspie or not, this is pretty shabby treatment of you.

You deserve better. Cut your losses and end this yourself. Because this sounds to me like simply a classic case of being used by someone who is feigning confusion and being torn between two choices. Sometimes that's real, but sometimes the person is just playing you.

That's something a real friend wouldn't do to you, so dont even be friends anymore, just move on from this guy.

Sorry this may have sounded a bit tough and harsh, but I've been used like this and because I had feelings for the person I was blind to what was really going on with him, and wanted to make excuses for him to myself.

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This guy has some other underlying issues that he needs to get taken care of before he is able to be a good partner for you. It's refreshing to see that you don't discriminate against men with ASD but this particular gentleman has some growing up to do. Some Aspies mature more slowly and, yes, I'm one of those.

The first time we hung out he told me he had aspergers/autism. Which kind of made sense because he is so awkward so often and often avoids social situation at any cost. Thanks for the advice guys, I think I was excusing his behaviour because he has aspergers and thinking I needed to be more understanding. I'd never encountered it before and was trying to read up on it and understand his perspective. But yeah I guess he is using me, I just kept thinking it was something to do with the aspergers that I didn't get. I also naively thought people with aspergers would be honest and upfront and that I wouldn't have to second guess him.

its a spectrum some like myself are very honest and open. others can and do lie.
not sure what's up with him. If i let a woman stay over and sleep in my bed then that would mean I am interested in relationship. heck if i let a woman in my room then I love and care for her. my room is my sanctuary. Its where I feel safe. I've only had one non family female in here.
I would love to have a woman interested in me.

sorry you are going thru this

so I talked to him today and tried to be upfront and honest. He struggled to answer any questions that I had and struggled to explain himself. He said lots of weird and conflicting things and seemed in two minds at all times. He said he struggled to see the point in us having a relationship because I would be moving in a year, and am 3 years older and have a kid but he did like me and enjoyed spending time with me. He said he didn't want to get back with his ex, but she wanted to move to NZ (he is from the US) and get married to him. He hasn't told her that he was seeing someone else yet because he doesn't want to make her unhappy and doesn't know how to tell her. He just seemed to be unable to make any decisions or be sure of anything that he wanted and said this was from fear of making others unhappy. I have no idea if this is a trait of aspergers, he just seemed reluctant to make any decision based on his happiness alone which seemed odd to me. In the end he told me to give him time to tell her and then give him time to mope and feel like an a**hole for a while. He then said he had to leave and I asked what the conclusion of the conversation was and he said that he was an a**hole and he abruptly got up and left, no good bye no waiting for me to finish my drink. I read online that people with aspergers struggle to let go of old relationships due to the familiarity of it and the routine it presented. It is weird though that he upped and moved to NZ. He told me he struggles having me in his room and that he doesn't enjoy anyone being in his room.