Insight into Aspie dating behavior...

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CodeGrey
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07 Sep 2014, 1:22 pm

I'm NT dating an Aspie and we love each other a lot. I'm confused by his behavior (surprise!) and when I ask him why he does some things, he'll just say 'I don't know'.

What a want to know specifically is, when he does things like makes no attempt to see me on the weekend, or inform me of his plans, is he aware that this is upsetting to me, and choses to do it anyway? I'm confused, because a 'normal' guy would understand that this would creates problems, and he doesn't seem to get it.

Thank you in advance if you take the time to reply.



TallyMan
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07 Sep 2014, 1:53 pm

Some possibilities spring to mind:
1) He maybe needs some time on his own, some space. This is very common with Aspies and we can't always predict when we want to be alone.
2) We aren't the best communicators in the world and don't always realise that we need to communicate certain things to other people or it may cause upset.
3) Maybe he is afraid you'll impinge on his plans and want him to do something else with you or moan at him for doing what he's got planned. We tend to be routine oriented and dislike having our plans changed.
4) Maybe he likes to keep different parts of his life separate. Time with you, time doing X, time doing Y and doesn't like to mix these things together.


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BorgPrince
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07 Sep 2014, 3:33 pm

Try making a list of the issues you are having with his behavior, complete with brief explanations, and present it to him. Have him to do the same. Then compare notes and see if the two of you can identify what might be causing the problems.

Bear in mind the autistic brain works a bit differently. He may be oblivious to your feelings until you make him aware of them.



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07 Sep 2014, 4:20 pm

He might in fact have a perfect reason and explanation to his behavior but he just has no clue how to say it because he can't find right words. We have trouble lying but we know our explanations can often hurt people close to us because we look at the world differently. Visual thinking also doesn't help - how can you explain something you clearly see in your mind but no words seem accurate? That's why we often choose to say "I don't know" when asked about reasons of our behavior. We really don't know - how to explain it with words in a way that won't hurt the other person and doesn't make us look like psychopaths. Sometimes, if you bother us with a question long enough we eventually get into "honest mode" and say everything bluntly. Then we end up being misunderstood and unintentionally hurting the person close to us. It's saver, easier and less confusing if we just escape the question by saying we don't know.

For example my reason to not make afford to meet anyone is that I am busy with my special interest or don't find the meeting fun enough. NT people tend to get offended if I say I prefer to play my favorite game than met with them. But thats how it is. Special interest is priority over everything, sometimes it is even more important than food or sleep. It's like addiction. An aspie might be ashamed of being so weak. But the urge to attend special interest is unbearable.
We also don't see meting with other people so good thing. For example I have to rest for 1-3 days after meeting with my friends even if the meeting was fun. It is understandable I avoid meeting them unless there is a special occasion, right? I have to consider whatever the fun and the relationship gain is worth being so tired afterwards. Besides - meeting someone means routine break. It's very unpleasant.



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07 Sep 2014, 4:39 pm

Should add that any explanation we give for our behaviour usually acts as an instant turn off and maybe because the explanation makes us look like irresponsible assholes. Maybe my father was right, and I cant believe I am saying this... an Aspie is better showing his love through actions and saying things like "i'm sorry" when you for sure are wrong.

Further add the following revelations:

1. The more you care, the harder you try and the worse things get.
2. The more you explain yourself, the more trouble you get yourself into (very true in relationships, and especially in court of law)
3. Less is more (think 'impact over intent' because when someone is upset with you, they sure don't care what your intentions are)

I just failed miserably with these aspects with my gf over the last few days.


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sly279
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07 Sep 2014, 5:44 pm

is it every weekend?

what the others said can be true, though not all applies to me. I like social stuff.

another thing could be different levels of Independence. he might not see a need to hang out often, vs needing to chat every day. this isn't a aspie thing but a people thing. most people I've meet tend to be in the first group. they can go weeks without a word and still feel close. while others need daily contact to feel that. then there's all kinds in between.

also question. if the plans dont involve you , why should he inform you? I confused by this. is this normally dating requirement that the SO know what their gf/bf is doing all the time? I certianly wouldn't inform my gf of non her related plans unless as a invationation to join me. but if I was going camping with friends and she couldn't go. I likely wouldn't tell her unless asked what I was doing this weekend. I don't tend to give status reports to anyone except work. like i go out to get the mail and my family is like where are you going. my thought process is why does it matter to them. a gf would need to bring this up to me as i wouldn't know that there is some requirement.



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07 Sep 2014, 5:53 pm

sly- the reason for the status updates if you want to call them that is that she knows ahead of time what to do if she needs you. Ie. if she knows you won't be available to help her at a certain time, it helps the other person to know this and work around it... contact a close friend for support if they need to and talk to you about it later.


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1401b
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07 Sep 2014, 6:00 pm

CodeGrey wrote:
I'm NT dating an Aspie and we love each other a lot. I'm confused by his behavior (surprise!) and when I ask him why he does some things, he'll just say 'I don't know'.

What a want to know specifically is, when he does things like makes no attempt to see me on the weekend, or inform me of his plans, is he aware that this is upsetting to me, and choses to do it anyway? I'm confused, because a 'normal' guy would understand that this would creates problems, and he doesn't seem to get it.

Thank you in advance if you take the time to reply.

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If you absolutely must have answers, then help find them, go to school. Take psychology.


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07 Sep 2014, 6:18 pm

1401b wrote:
CodeGrey wrote:
I'm NT dating an Aspie and we love each other a lot. I'm confused by his behavior (surprise!) and when I ask him why he does some things, he'll just say 'I don't know'.

What a want to know specifically is, when he does things like makes no attempt to see me on the weekend, or inform me of his plans, is he aware that this is upsetting to me, and choses to do it anyway? I'm confused, because a 'normal' guy would understand that this would creates problems, and he doesn't seem to get it.

Thank you in advance if you take the time to reply.

Nobody knows. Aspies are all different.
If you absolutely must have answers, then help find them, go to school. Take psychology.


I was going to recommend the same thing. And that they both do it. An Aspie dating an NT is like a chicken dating a duck. Sure, they're both birds, but there are fundamental differences that, if not taken into account, can make a successful relationship inviable.



CodeGrey
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07 Sep 2014, 6:49 pm

Hi! Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it and learn a lot from it.

To adress Sly's questions, I want to know if he's going up north, etc. so I can plan my weekend accordingly. I don't want to just sit home and wait for him to (maybe) text me! Plus, I worry about him sometimes. Also, it is not a dating requirement at the beginning, but if dating becomes a more serious relationship, then it is for the vast majority of people.

This is an entirely different thing, but there are times when we talk where he'll say, "you told me that before" or "I told you that" when neither is true and I am certain. This is very weird to me. Does anyone have difficulty knowing what they've told someone?



Last edited by CodeGrey on 07 Sep 2014, 7:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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07 Sep 2014, 7:00 pm

So don't just sit at home mooning for him. Go out and enjoy yourself. Why do you need to see him every weekend anyway?


Quote:
Also, it is not a dating requirement at the beginning, but if dating becomes a more serious relationship, then it is for the vast majority of people.


But you're not dating the vast majority of people. You're dating him. It's yours and his relationship, you and he make up your own rules.

If you want to know his plans for the weekend and he hasn't told you, I'd suggest asking.


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07 Sep 2014, 7:18 pm

I have difficulty remembering things I said. I find it gets me into trouble sometimes.


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1024
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07 Sep 2014, 7:28 pm

CodeGrey wrote:
What a want to know specifically is, when he does things like makes no attempt to see me on the weekend, or inform me of his plans, is he aware that this is upsetting to me, and choses to do it anyway?

I'd assume that if you want to know something, or if you want to meet, you ask.

The bigger question is why he doesn't want to meet. Or if perhaps he doesn't ask to meet even when he'd like to. Maybe you should talk to him about how often and in what way you want to meet.


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08 Sep 2014, 12:59 am

Well did you directly tell him that this is upsetting you? Maybe it hasn't occurred to him or he's not sure how to initiate it...Do you call him and ask him to get together with you? Or are you're thinking he should just know you want him to...might have to just call and ask him when you want to get toghether on weekends. Certainly probably does not occur to him to keep you updated on plans, unless of course there is a specific reason like you want to do something with him...and whether or not he has something planned that would interfere or is busy.

I guess my main question is have you directly and explicitly communicated these things to him or are you going on the 'well he should know' mindset...if the latter you'll have to probably communicate more specifically as a lot of times we can misunderstand hints and any kind of communication that isn't very direct or simply not even be aware of it. You are probably right that he doesn't 'get it' so that is why you have to tell him....if that is not helpful at all than you can disregard this.


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08 Sep 2014, 2:03 am

CodeGrey wrote:
Hi! Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it and learn a lot from it.

To adress Sly's questions, I want to know if he's going up north, etc. so I can plan my weekend accordingly. I don't want to just sit home and wait for him to (maybe) text me! Plus, I worry about him sometimes. Also, it is not a dating requirement at the beginning, but if dating becomes a more serious relationship, then it is for the vast majority of people.

This is an entirely different thing, but there are times when we talk where he'll say, "you told me that before" or "I told you that" when neither is true and I am certain. This is very weird to me. Does anyone have difficulty knowing what they've told someone?


that would take adjusting. I mostly live in my room where I don't talk. I guess i've gotten use to just doing stuff without vocalizing it.

ah that guy, one with the no phone service right? I've been where you are, with the woman i loved long distance, I skiped bbqs and group outings waiting around incase she came on to talk. he might be like her, independent and just doesn't do that stuff. you seem to be more like me. which is more dependent/clingy.

I do forget stuff i've said or stuff others had said. I try to remember hard, and i like texting cause I can use it to relook up details. like if she told me her dress was blue with yellow dots and a white bow, or if it was yellow with white dots and blue bow.
memory problems.