I need help...

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Well... I don't know where to start this, but I really need to get it out of my system soon or I'm going to go crazy...

Well, exactly a week ago now, last monday, my boyfriend told me he wanted to go on a break, as in put our relationship on a hiatus for an indetermined amount of time... It came after our relationship had been feeling a bit tense for a while and we'd both been irritable over things which wouldn't have bothered us in the past. So, after our relationship hits an all time low, he tells me he wants this hiatus we're on now. He'd wanted to go on a break several weeks in the past, too, but decided against it. The reason he gives for it is because he just isn't sure if he's ready for a relationship at our age, and he just isn't sure what he feels about anything anymore...

So now, he goes on one after telling me that he knows I love him, but he's not sure how he feels about anything anymore, and tells me he'll still text me now and again to let me know he's fine... And he's done that a couple of times, but he's been pretty emotionally distant and to the point, but does say things like "take care".

He also told me to get on with my life as I normally would, and I have been doing. At least, I've been trying to, I've been out with friends, I'm doing a gig with my band tonight as well. But, over the week it's worn down on me more and more, and although he wants me to try and put it out of my mind altogether I just can't, it's always looming in my mind like a spectre that won't go away. Am I going to lose him? Is he going to leave me? Those were my thoughts at first, but now it's deteriorated to "He's leaving me, I know it. I can feel it." So I have to live my life with this on my mind, but it's hard. It like living in Limbo. I've not lost my boyfriend, but I haven't got him, either, and it might still swing either way but I'm pretty sure that it's going to be the less desireable option that he ends up choosing. I've become more irritable and quick to anger, too... I'm snapping at people for no reason and I'm feeling a sense of hopelessness. I've left my future in the hands of someone else, and although I love him I'm not sure if he still loves me, truth be told... And I just can't trust him to make the decision I want him to make on this one.

So then, even though I'm supposed to be getting on with my life as normal, but I just can't help but do something which probably really isn't good for me... I keep checking on his forum activity on the forums I know he frequents and uses. And he looks happy, like he's managing to live with it with absolutely no problems. Which worries me even more, because he's not just happy, he's happy getting obnoxiously drunk and intoxicated on cannabis and that reminds me that the one thing I always tried to stop him from doing was abusing alcohol and over-using cannabis, despite his objections to me pressing the issue with him... But, I don't have anything against him from going out, drinking a bit, smoking a spliff, going home safe... I do those things myself. I DO have a problem with him going out, drinking huge amounts of booze and smoking pot, and then collapsing in front of a wine bar... That's what I didn't like him doing, which he referred to in one of his recent forum posts in a glorified and self-indulgent way... Which scared me. He's doing the thing I always tried to stop him from doing, and he's happy doing it, and without any restraints or people telling him he shouldn't. So now I feel like I'm just being traded off in exchange for alcohol and cannabis by my boyfriend... I feel as though I'm losing him to that...

So now I'm stuck here wondering where I go from here, and where my boyfriend goes from here, hoping he chooses the right decision. I'm stuck here hoping something clicks inside my boyfriend and makes him remember why he first told me he loves me in the first place, why he wanted to be with me. I'm waiting in hope that he realises that he misses me and wants to talk to me. All I can do is hope...

Right now, I'm just looking for ways to deal with what's going on, because I feel like I'm going to burst soon if this carries on. I also just want someone to tell me what the hell is actually going on, because I might lose him, and I don't even know why...

Thank you everyone...

Your story reminds me of a song - November Rain (which is now playing)

Anyways, I have a question; I guess its hard to ask. Why would he feel the need to ask whether he wants to be with you or not?

I kind of see that as "thinking out loud."

I don't know what he is doing. I've had someone I liked go through with this with her old boyfriend (yes, they separated). Same deal - when I heard her say that, I just thought "who cares, then? Guy is being a loser, you'll probably have more success then him."

Though, I think thats easier said then done as I sit on the 'not involved' spot of the fence.

how old are both?

You sound young, all I'll say is that you'll meet lots of people in your life.
If the guy doesn't want to be with you don't feel bad, it's just that he is blind to not see that you really like him and accept as he is.

I'd say stop reading his forum posts, this is hurting you as I can see...

You say "I've left my future in the hands of someone else", and
"I just can't trust him to make the decision I want him to make on this one."
Girl, you also have the power to decide.

If he can't decide, make his decision for him. It's easier to get over a loss than to deal with a pending loss.

I was trying to say the same thing as Kezzstar, that you can make his decision..

We're both 17. And I really don't have the power to control his mind and his will, do I... Oh, and I'm not a girl.

Dear Beno:
There are lots of boys around. Not all of them smoke grass, drink, and abuse women. I know it hurts to have to go out and find a new boy friend, but that's sometimes the way life goes, and from what you say, you'll be better off with a guy who worships the ground you walk on (well, maybe not that radical), is nice to you, and if you don't want him to smoke grass or drink, he won't. And he won't dump you when you ask him not to. It's called respect.

Feel good about yourself. Lots of good men out there looking for a good woman like you. Go find them.

Btdt

[quote="beentheredonethat"]Dear Beno:
There are lots of boys around. Not all of them smoke grass, drink, and abuse women.


Uuuhhh, this is a dude looking for another dude, I think you missed the point, not that there's anything wrong with that.

crazedchef

typical ignorant hetero

Bro. If he's doing that...then it might be best to do something about it. There's nothing worse than not knowing. Do you really, really love him? Address him about it...ask if he wants this to continue, or if he wants to cut ties. Really, at that age, going on a break is more you being kept spare (I have a 17 year old boyfriend myself, lol)

Face it, it's better to know for sure either way than let doubt eat away at you. I've been through something similar - essentially not knowing if he loved me or not, if he wanted it or not. I ended up really confronting him about it...first night it was a massive explosion, second night it was a heated discussion that ended up fizzling out into e-romping and one hell of a strong relationship thereafter...for a while there I was 99.9% sure I would be single after it, but all it needed was some discussion.

You need to find out what he wants. If it's not you, then it's time to move on and find someone else. Maybe it's a situation a bit more like mine though...maybe you both need to just know how much you mean to each other, and reignite that flame

I have been on both sides of this situation....put in limbo and left people in limbo to party or meet new guys.I dont think your gender or sexual preference would make a difference in this situation?(but dont know this for sure,as I have only lived as a female with a few bi-interludes)......


I have to say,that when I have been the "doer"...it was because of my addiction...I wanted to be able to drink more and not have anyone commenting about it(It was very self destructive)and also because .....I still LIKED the person but wanted to meet someone new and interesting.My usual pattern was that I would meet someone and fall madly for them and become obsessed until we would finally get into a relationship.Several months I would ride the "high" of that feeling but it eventually it would dissipate and I would need a new "Love fix",to return to the original high.However,I wouldnt want to end the relationship completely because I still had some feelings for the person and also could not bear the idea of being totally alone(a bird in the hand,so to speak)........I am not justifying my behavior.I was a total jerk and paid for it in over all suffering in my life...but I am being honest here,to let you know that people can care about someone and still do things to hurt them,even if they dont want the person to hurt(Just being selfish).


I dont know if that is what your boyfriend is doing.But what you describe sounds very similiar to my own behavior.As you probably know,you cant do much to make him stop.It doesnt really matter if his behavior is a desire to live out his addiction or
if he is just struggling with the idea of setteling down with one person at 17,(I do think that is young but some people are ready to commit and some arnt).I dont think it matters if he loves you or not...the real question is do want to be with him enough to spend the next 10 or 20 years dealing with his addiction or inability to commit.Do you want to commit?Dont leave it all up to him.
You can regain your power by realizing that you have choices to make.Some people are worth putting up with a lot of crap for but not many.Make him make a decission and stop sitting on the fence,as long as you can live with a decission of..."not interested in the relationship".Most important thing I learned in relationship is that people rarely change for others and even less often do so without resenting the person they changed for.

I couldn't stand the fear that they are looking for a way out. I don't care if it's that they need someone else, or something that I can't tolerate (like the drugs). He probably is just seeing which is more important to him. During this time, you ought to be thinking whether you want someone who is an addict or not. If you love him enough, maybe you can put up with his addictions. If he loves you enough, maybe he can do without them. But I would guess that he cannot - or he wouldn't want this break at all.

I really wish that I could help out with this, however nearly all the guys I've been in, or wanted relationships with either turned out to be flakes, or didn't want to be in a relationship and used me.

--Sorry I can't give you any help with this, but I really am that bad a judge of other peoples character, and the true intentions of people that I have gone out with has left me with great amounts of mistrust for people that want to go out with me.