Help my partner is aspie & I need advice

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Hi I'm new so I don't know if I have posted in the correct forum. My partner is Aspie (undiagnosed) and I am NT (with anxiety disorder), we have a 5 yr HFA daughter and a 3yr son. I would like advice from those on the spectrum to help us with our relationship difficulties. I have always had a close friend or partner on the spectrum & I have great respect for working with the differences we all have (NT or not).

For many years my partner and I have communicated well with me adjusting my communication style to fit with his & I'm sure he has made adjustments for me. However, leading up to our daughter's diagnosis (which my partner says he has no problem with but he has avoided all participation in the process) he became violent (maybe a sensory meltdown), I was physically assaulted. We separated, undertook counseling but my partner was not able to engage in the counseling process well. After reuniting after 6 months he seems to desperately want to be with our family but he continues to be threatening/aggressive to me.

I am now at a loss as counseling doesn't seem helpful for him, he wont participate in group programs and he blames me for making him violent. Also, he was very badly abused by his mother and his father is HFA but not emotionally available to him. Any ideas??

If he has a meltdown then both you should find out what triggered it to avoid it happening again. However, I don't think that physical assault should be acceptable regardless of whether there was a meltdown or not, when I used to have meltdowns, I wouldn't harm anyone else unless I got interfered with during the meltdown but I was still teenager then. If you feel that you're in danger, then there's no sense in staying with him, look after your safety first. I don't think that counselling can help with meltdowns at all, if that's the what's happening. The only thing I can think could help is psychotherapy or maybe some medication and if he was abused as a child then he may need therapy for that as well.

Thanks, I think you are right. I just don't want to give up on him as he loves his kids so much but if he wont seek help I don't think there is anything I can do.

Something has him backed in a corner. My guess would be that it's something to do with the child's diagnosis that just absolutely raises hell with whatever damage he has from growing up that way.

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

AND VIOLENCE ISN'T ACCEPTABLE.

GET. OUT.

Thank you so much. I think this is the message I needed to hear loud and clear. You may have just saved me from serious injury or worse. That means more to me than you will ever know.

Permanent breakup is not inevitable. He's not hopeless and you aren't under any requirement to dump him. If you have children together (no flames, please), you owe it to your children to make it work. The problem with a breakup is it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. In other words, you haven't dealt with what has actually CAUSED all the trouble, and you're setting yourself up for the same issues with other people should you seek relationships elsewhere.

And I'm not blaming YOU for HIS behavior. He has to own what HE does. All you can focus on is you and your children.

It sounds to me like you're trying to deal with the hand you've played in this whole mess because you ARE getting counseling. Someone who goes for counseling, gives a partner another chance, etc., obviously cares and is doing everything she feels she can. We are all works in progress, and if you feel you have issues you want to change about yourself, then over time you will change hopefully you'll be happy with who you are/who you want to be.

The difference between you and your partner is you are showing that you actually WANT to make changes that will ensure the survival of the relationship.

From what you've described, he doesn't want to change. So unfortunately you are tasked with the decision of whether to stay with him and deal with it, or get out for the sake of the safety of yourself and your children.

With all due respect to WP members (myself included) who are dealing with these kinds of issues, I have to say you ended up with Crazy. Crazy is hard to get rid of. In relationships, you have to spend the time to get to know someone, and I mean get to know the person you get when he doesn't know anybody is watching. Maybe he was good at hiding it, maybe there was that one teeny little sign you missed when you turned your head or blinked. I dunno your situation or what happened, but you ended up here.

So I think ending the relationship might actually be the best thing you can do if you're going to move forward with your children.

I know theoretically it might be something he can overcome, but my gut feeling is to continue to make this separation permanent and done. I don't like taking risks like that with someone who has already resorted to physical violence, because frankly it is very difficult for people to really change. Especially someone who has not shown maturity or interest in changing in the first place.

I agree with Buyer Beware on this one.

Thanks again to those who have responded.

Your compassion and support at this very difficult time has given me hope. My partner is now completely stuck in believing that I cause him to be violent. After threatening to slit my 80 year old Mother's throat (she lives one house away and she has done/said nothing to him) it is clear that this has nothing to do with ASD and is an outcome of the abuse he experienced as a child by his mother & the emotional neglect & lack of protection from his father.

He has moved out which hopefully reduces the risk of harm to our children and myself. He wants 50% care of the children and I am very committed to his right and that of the kids to be with their Dad. However, he doesn't seem to recognize that it is abuse of the children (vicarious or not) when he abuses me verbally in front of them and he doesn't even seem to hear or acknowledge their distress. He is now starting to use them against me and that is a "game" you can't play with children.

I feel for him and I love him and I am so afraid for our beautiful children.

It helps to be able to express myself here as there is only so much you can say to family and friends without causing distress to them.

I know no-one can solve our problems but helps to know there are compassionate strangers out there. I have always believed that neuro-diverse people have heaps of empathy (sometimes expressed differently) and you have shared that with me.

He physically assaulted you and threatened to cut your mother's throat. Are you sure your children will be safe alone with him?

No I am not sure. He is staying with relatives who can ensure he is not alone with the kids. I have known him well for 23 years and he has had no previous history of violence.

Tomorrow I am attending a domestic violence support service, hopefully they can advise me on the next step we need to take to make sure everyone is safe. I'm assuming court ordered mediation might be suggested and boundaries put in place around supervised access. Of course, he needs help for his mental health but no-one can make him do that. So I hope and I pray because right now he is not the man I have known and loved.

Just a suggestion, and admittedly this is a bit extreme...

If "he is not the man I have known and loved," and you've known him well for 23 years and he's never been violent, have you considered having him committed?

I recognize not many people share my views on relationships, and I accept that...but I wouldn't be above such tactics if things went awry in my own relationship. My thinking is if two people are in a committed relationship and behavior radically changes, if you really do love that person, then you want to make sure that their mental health is intact for their personal safety as much as anyone else's. Institutionalizing someone, at least in my opinion, would be preferable to severing the relationship entirely.

Thank you for your suggestion.

Yes, I am considering this but unless he is having a psychotic break (has completely lost any sense of reality) that can't happen. I can't get him assessed unless there is further police action. If he comes to the house and wont leave I will call the police.

I have a lot of support and protection put in place now. Tomorrow (Monday) morning I can get to a DV service. Thanks again for your concern.

I think I know what is running through his head, because it also runs through mine sometimes, but I do not know how to verbalize it. "Backed into a corner" is the best I can come up with.

Something has him feeling, and acting, like a cornered animal.

Here's the thing: You can't un-corner him. HE HAS TO MAKE THAT CHOICE HIMSELF. He has to go, "I am not going to think like a cornered animal." "I am going to choose to not scratch and bite." "I am not an animal, and I can find a better way out of this corner."

If he's not going to do that, there is really nothing you can do but ensure your own safety and that of the children.

Does that have to be a permanent end to the relationship??

Not necessarily. Whether it's permanent, or an end, is up to him (whether or not he finds a way to stop acting like an animal and get out of the corner).

Keep strong. I am glad you are getting support. We're here for you too.

BuyerBeware, I think you are absolutely right. That is exactly how he is behaving- like a cornered animal.

Something has triggered his fight or flight response and he is fighting. He cannot accept the concept that he is a good person who has done something bad. I am trying to do everything I can to communicate to him that I am on his side. My flight or fight response has kicked in too and my body is telling me to run away as fast as I can. My brain says NO, protect your children, mother and yourself.

I wish I could help him but I can't. He wont seek help of any form & he wont meet with me and a mediator in a safe place. Hopefully his rational self will take over before anymore harm is done.

Thank you for your support.

I think there are too many opinions to go with here and a lot of overthinking too. The fact of the matter is both of you need help. You need help in determining how safe it is for him to be around. He needs some form of therapy to asses how safe he is and address his issues. It doesn't look like you will get the former without the latter first. Make the decision that is safest for all is what I would recommend.