Relationship advice from a therapist.

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http://jessicaengle.blogspot.com/2013/1 ... t.html?m=1

Great article. I will address the bullet points

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Used to be the case, I am confident in myself now. I did have social anxiety, and have context specific social anxiety some of the time. I have done a lot of work on it, I know what is is like to have extreme panic attacks, the full shebang, etc. The irony is I can appear quite extrovert in a superficial setting for a limited period. It is up an down, but I can make people laugh, lead the conversation. I have friends who are much worse than me, with social anxiety.

Check, see my other thread

Guilty, I think I never really go back into it post being SA, I focused on friends instead, as a felt "why run before walking?".

Emotions like that are a waste of energy. There is really no point to them, it isn't going to improve anything. Well past that. I don't really feel lonely like other people do and that is part of the problem, I feel pressure from other people and myself. I do benefit from some social interaction, so long as it is not too much. I know I don't benefit form no interaction at all. Great psychologist once told me that limited interaction an cause paranoia, becuase you brain fills in the gaps it does

Again I'm sort of philosophical about it these days. I probably need to increase my longing for it. It is there.


The only thing I would say about his is there are some compromises I can make, but there are certain thing that are a part of my personality, and lifestyle things which I know how much stress the put me under, not to adhere to them. happiness is part of feeling confident, and I am much happier nowadays. I also am fairly radical about certain formal social conventions. So I would ideally like to find someone more compatible.

I absolutely would not be suited to person who is too full on intense, needy. As for me a little is a lot.

I'm not nearly erudite to be a relationship therapist?heaven knows I try.

But I thought it was interesting how she said that dating is a numbers game. I mean?it takes a professional to figure this out? The whole world is your dating pool. That's why I don't understand why so many people insist on one-at-a-time dating. Starting out you can't expect deep, romantic relationships. You're just getting to know people. You don't even have to actually go out on dates to do that, but that shouldn't keep you from asking.

True, you're going to draw from a tinier dating pool over time the closer you get to a serious relationship. When you move from one relationship to another for whatever reason, you're going to increase/decrease that pool as needed. That one girl you had SOME chemistry with before getting into a serious relationship with someone you thought more attractive for whatever reason? It might not be a bad time to call her up. Worst-case scenario is you burn your dating journal and start completely over, with the former list being a list of girls NOT to call.

Honestly, I don't think our problem is one of dating pool. I think tiny dating pools are symptoms, not the real diagnosis. I think she nailed it with social anxiety. How I think this is best handled is just by establishing some kind of presence where people are. Doesn't mean you actually have to talk to anyone. It just means you need to adjusted to seeing other people and being seen. Interaction is ultimately unavoidable, so you adjust to simply saying "hello" and "good morning/afternoon/evening."

And for the record, I struggle with this myself. There's nothing wrong with asking someone where he or she works. There's nothing wrong with asking for personal info once you've spent some time hanging out with her. What I struggle with is how to do this without coming across as a Grand Inquisitor. It takes a lot of practice with a lot of people before you're smooth enough to get more than "name/rank/serial number." And I know when it happens, too, because the conversation suddenly hits this brick wall and I never see that person again. OUCH. I replay the whole thing in my head, and I'm like, darnitall, why on EARTH did I say that??? And I'll go a week or two feeling like a complete idiot. I've been more successful with people who I could convince to see past that and be patient and forgiving with me. It's just not easy at all to find people like that I could spend enough time with to get there. It's not impossible, but NTs seem to have a much easier time of it than I do.

This reminds me of Brian here, I hope he reads this.

I have trouble with this it is nearly impossible to even try eye contact. Was made fun of quite a bit by females growing up.

I do however believe that online dating and the various phone apps that have come out are some seriously terrible ways to socialize. Had someone explain to me what Tinder was the other day and I honestly can't imagine anyone who uses these apps to be developing useful social skills.

I have low confidence, though people find me confident. I think socializing is scary but I don't avoid it. Going to a dance today and tomorrow. So, forever single but only the criteria of tiny dating pool fits me. Then again, when I do go to parties or large sovial gatherings nothing happens either and I am definitely not a wallflower.

I remember you liked some guy who was involved in politics.

Maybe you could volunteer for a Parliamentary candidate of the political party which you believe in?

Maybe those are the kind of guys who would fill your bill, and who would desire an intimate relationship with you as well.

I found the last point in the article interesting:

4. You Like & Attract Commitment-Phobes