Asexual and romantically frustrated

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Hi

The past couple of years, I have been questioning if I might be asexual and I think it is time someone helps me out. I understand asexuality is very common for Aspies and that is why I am here. The only partners I have had were girls who I was not too crazy about and to be honest, I regret those nights. I was not enjoying myself and just had the disappointing thought of "this is it?" going through my mind the whole time. I don't have much of a general sex drive at all, only towards specific individual girls once I've gotten to know them very well, I believe they call this demisexuality? I watched some videos with David Jay and not only did he seem like such a good and insightful person, he said a lot of things that really struck me and reminded me of myself. While all of the promiscuity that is being pushed out by media in modern days makes me cringe, hearing an asexual voice was a major comfort.

I am very romantic though, in a pretty naive way, and fantasize about romance way more than sex. I'm usually very content with no sex or romance at all but sometimes when I meet someone, and I develop feelings for her, and I feel like she either doesn't like me back or maybe does but I am one of 89 guys she is talking to, I get a bit lonely and this is what is happening now.

I didn't really have much of a social life or opportunity to meet girls up until a few months ago, now things have changed and I am meeting quite a few. It's still very difficult though because when me and my friends go out, it'll be to a house party or a bar or a place with no intimacy and no real chance for me to get to know someone. I feel like I could do a lot better if I had more chances like that, chances for one-on-one real talk and I do, but even then, when I do get a girl's # and we start hanging out, I just feel like there is a lot of game playing and things are harder than they ought to be. Things could be a lot easier if there was more honesty. I really can't keep up with game playing, not only does a lot of it go over my head but even if I could keep up with it, I wouldn't, because it doesn't feel right to me.

So really my questions are these:
1. Is demisexuality a real thing? Is sex made or broken when it is with someone you really love, on a deeper level, not just have the hots for? Or would I just be disappointed again? I'm a bit curious.
2. How can someone with a low sex drive, someone who is way interested more in romance than sex, keep up when everyone else seems so promiscuous? I'm not some Puritan but has our culture not gone to the other extreme?
3. Did Asperger/eccentric types have better luck finding love in the olden days, when people were more honest, or had broader intentions?
4. How does one really know when they are asexual? Is being as happy as I usually am with no sex, not ever feeling sexually frustrated, a sign that I am?

Any input would be really appreciated, from both men and women who have been in my state. Another thing is is I am probably dropping out of college to do some pretty hardcore traveling so I won't be meeting too many girls after December, my life will probably very different soon. Please don't be skeptical of asexuality because people who are drive me crazy, they seem so rude and full of themselves. Also please don't start with any "blame the girls" or PUA type crap, it's not girls' fault I was born in the wrong place and time.

1. If it's real to you, and it's your sexuality, then it's real.
2. I don't know of any offhand, but there has to be a dating site or an app. for ace people. If not...hey, million dollar idea!
3. Maybe. We won't know for sure until we can travel through time. I think I'll be long dead before we can do that though, and sadly, so will you.
4. Not being asexual myself, I don't know. I would have thought it would work the same way as someone knowing they were heterosexual, or homosexual, or bisexual, or whatever. Again, there has to be a site for that.

1. People that identify as asexual typically also say they dislike the intimacy traits of NTs, including tongue kissing. They also typically claim they want to have sex for reproduction. There is no relation whatsoever to neurodiverse attachment traits like creating stronger than normal bonds with a partner, and there is no relation to romantic interest either.
2. I think you can avoid our oversexualized culture by flirting with girls for a while first. That will select-out the one's that think sex and romance is more or less the same thing.
3. Absolutely. Back then sex was only supposed to happen within a marriage, and the courting process was highly formal.
4. Asexuality is a misnomer for disliking our oversexualized culture.

1) in some shape or form, yes. it is decently common among asexuals to feel sexual attraction to those they are romantically attached to (also refered to as "Grey-A") making or breaking it is personal, the only way to find out is to try for yourself, unfortunately
2) meeting in the middle is the common solution; the person with the lower drive having sex more often than they would internally desire, and the higher drive "taking care" of themselfes if they need to
3) i think it is easier in modern days actually, now that our differences are seen as generally more positive, and especially becouse most people are decieving, aspergers' honesty is refreshing
4) if you are, you know. effectively the same way as knowing you are gay.
indeed, not getting frustrated by a "dry streak" and not wanting/trying to get no-strings-attached nights of fun are a big indicator (though not prove)

So really my questions are these:
1. I don't know what demisexuality is, but in my opinion sex is so much finer when it's with someone you don't just find physically attractive but you are also mentally attracted to. Someone you really love and like.
Personally, I can't have sex with someone I find hot but not anything else. I don't do one night stands for example.
2. Find someone that is equally sexually (non)active. There are not many people that are asexual or have low sexdrives, but they sure are out there, I think the internet is a very important medium here.
3. -
4. Perhaps. It could be a number of things though. For example, you could be blocking unconscious sexual trauma from thought, which leades you to believe you don't want or need sex. Or you might have some deep rooted angsts or insecurities that are unconscious. All things that you can think of.

Don't follow. I'm not asexual in the sense that I have a low sex drive, but I never had a one-night-stand (and never wanted one either), and nor do I become frustrated for not having regular sexual intercourse.

That assumes it is a problem to be asexual, which I don't buy.

Not neccesarilly, hence the word ´perhaps´.

Not much better. It only suggests that asexuality might be a problem. This is just as bad as homosexuality perhaps being a problem.

You sound like me. I wouldn't label myself asexual though. I just don't feel very interested in sex at the moment. I've never been into it. I pursued it earlier in life to fit in but can't imagine it being a part of my life now. I like kissing and I guess I would want to have sex if I fell in love again but on an everyday basis, I don't crave it. I see pretty women but have no intention of acting on it.

That's right. It may come from trauma or certain bad experiences. I remain by my standpoint.

I'd like to see a scientific study that shows this before I believe it. And which controls for asexuality and trauma being more common in neurodiversity.

As far as my own research goes, asexuality is not correlated with a history of abuse.

I've found plenty of studies on web of science that found there is a correlation between percieved asexuality and psychological trauma.

That controlled for neurodiversity / autistic traits? I don't think so.

Besides, even if there is such a correlation in many studies, it says nothing about the cause. Correlation is not cause.

The very fact that asexuality is a neurodiverse trait (it has about .3 in correlation) means it is correlated with abuse, as abuse has an even higher correlation to neurodiversity. That doesn't mean that abuse leads to asexuality as the abuse could be things like being bullied in school, which do not necessarily lead to asexuality. By controlling for neurodiversity I mean they need to consider a wide range of other plausible neurodiverse traits that might lead to asexuality, like a dis-interest in NT-type "intimacy".

I know all about controlling for confounding, cause and correlation. Still, a relationship was found in over half the studies I read.

Post a link to some and I'll read and evaluate them.