Autistic men and dating websites

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Just making a few pointers for guys who are struggling on dating sites.

Do not limit yourself until you have experience

For most Autistic guys on dating sites, you have to have limitations for physical attraction but be somewhat flexible on the limitations until you are more experienced. I see some men won't date women with kids or have racial preferences or preferences to eye color, that only limits your dating pool and shows you as a shallow human being. Once you are more experienced in securing dates and securing intimacy by the first or second date, you can choose to be more selective in your personal preferences. It's similar to the job market, you have to work entry level jobs before you move your position up. Birds do not fly without spreading their wings first.

Set objectives

Set yourself objectives and set them to how ready you mutually feel with the other person. Don't view it as a journey but a destination, you have to enjoy what comes and what you learn a long the way. You may encounter wolves, bad weather and danger along the way but you have to take them as learning experiences instead of letting it have an effect on your spirit and determination to get what you want.

Have objectives lined up, make plans to be intimate on the first second or at least the second date, don't just go to a date and sit like a passive person. You are both there because you felt some spark towards each other, fear is just an illusion and if a woman senses fear in you and you don't act on that, you will miss out. If have fear in you and face that fear by engaging with them, you will a sense of reward. You aren't there to make friends, you are on a dating site to date. I have had sex within 10 minutes of first meeting someone in person from the internet and that isn't even escalation, that's just taking a risk and being bold as hell but if you don't take the risk, you will never know. Most women like spontaneous kissing or men that take the initiative and I doubt many would decline it. If anything, you will get declined for asking for permission and acting passive.

The First date

See this as an ice breaker and not an ice breaker to talk about yourself or your obsession. The first date is an ice breaker to engage in intimacy and to break the ice so that intimacy is comfortable for the future. The first date is about creating interest and leaving enough mystery so that the other person wants to learn more. People love to talk about themselves so let them talk, find something you can identify with and try to connect.

Presentation

Present yourself as the best version of you, don't exaggerate yourself or lie about who you are as you can only wear a mask for so long, just be the best version of yourself. Realize that there are external and internal factors, work on internal factors as such as your attitude towards people, towards women and your passions. Look outside of yourself and try to view yourself from a third person perspective instead of seeing what you want to see, the worst thing you can do on a date is go on about yourself or some obsessive interest without identifying over something first.

Knowledge

Finally read a book and I don't mean something written by the Game or whatever he calls himself but something by Dale Cargenie or Dr.Lillian Glass, personally I suggest that you start with the book Confident Conversation by Lillian Glass. Pick up books serve to make money and get you to go the $500 seminars. Attractive girls receive 5'000 messages a month, what's the chance they haven't heard that line or canned routine before? Pick up artists won't teach you how to connect with humans, it will only teach you to use a canned routine until you get her in bed. The canned routine might work after approaching twenty girls in the nightclub scene or on the street but good luck getting to work in online dating and if it does work, the girl isn't responding based on your "witty" response but based on promiscuity and physical attraction.

Remember: Identifying is the key, look for something interesting that you can genuinely identify with..

That sums it up and I hope it helps men to connect with others better, in dating and in every day life.

Choosing not to date women with kids is not being shallow. It's purely a practical consideration regarding whether or not you personally want kids. The fact of the matter is, that if you date someone with kids, then they expect you to be like a father to the child as well as support her in her role as a mother and not everyone knows how to manage children. Especially people with disabilities like autism where things like sensory integration can cause problems, that's purely a practical consideration, it's not being shallow towards the woman. Men and women who want children may be more happy with dating someone who has them and might specifically look for people with children. There's a very good reason why "have kids" or "don't have kids" is listed specifically as a detail on dating profiles.

You are crossing out a huge majority of women based on that, think of how many women over twenty five have children. Besides a woman wouldn't expect that from you until you were going to move in together and that's a completely different step. Autistic men who are struggling on the sites should just be focused on learning the process of securing dates and intimacy before moving on to something that poses that question.

If you are just looking to hook up with a woman and she has kids that you will never meet, why does it matter? I'm telling Autistic men to be flexible because most of them just want sex to begin with and not to settle down with someone.

It is a myth that women want a rich, handsome playboy that constantly wears a suit or drives a Maserati. You might attract a few gold diggers or shallow women with those traits but there are many men that aren't male models with attractive women.

Stop blaming your external factors and realize that the reason you struggle is because of Autism, nothing else.

Once you do that, you will start to work on yourself to become a better person that can integrate and connect with others.

Dale Carnegie is AWESOME. He's not a dating guru per se, but his advice can be applied to pretty much any interaction you can think of, dating included.

I also like Napoleon Hill. Not as much as Dale Carnegie, but he's "~OK~". The way Hill reads, particularly The Law of Success, he easily could have been Oprah Winfrey's mentor. So I take it all with a grain of salt (I think law of attraction and so-called "prosperity gospel" popular among certain Christians is crap). Hill collaborated with Andrew Carnegie (no relation to Dale), and I'll spoil the ending: Lesson 16 is the Golden Rule. I mean, the whole book/course culminates with "Do unto others" and how to apply it.

Another thing to remember about those guys: They wrote from the early to mid-20th century, so it's obviously pretty dated. Particularly with Carnegie, so much there really is timeless. I also count Sun Tzu and the Bible (mostly the Bible) among my own influences in how to deal with people, and these are things that have proven effective for, literally, thousands of years.

If you want dating success, I heavily advise first courting Knowledge and Wisdom. The PUA folks probably really are above average on knowledge, mediocre at best on wisdom. It's not a direction I'd go. The Golden Rule never fails.

Irrelevant. How many partners of aspies have complained that the AS partner couldn't cope or had difficulty coping once they had children? If you already know that you could meltdowns around small kids, then what is the logical sense in deliberately entering into a relationship that could potentially become serious and long-term if kids are already involved?



That's exactly the problem. Unless they've specifically stated that they're only interested in casual dating, most NT's on dating sites want to find someone to date for the specific goal of eventually developing it into a long-term relationship. What, are you saying? That we're should suddenly end the relationship once it starts getting serious? Sorry no, I'm extremely loyal so I can't do that. Besides, it isn't cool to play with someones feelings like that unless you've specifically made an agreement with them that you don't want a relationship and only want to meet them as friends with no strings attached.



Wow, way to be grossly overgeneralising. Besides, your generalisation is completely wrong to begin. Most autistic men actually do not just want women to just have sex with, maybe you do but the rest of us don't. What most of us actually want is a girlfriend, with all the emotional intimacy that comes with it (at least I do), not just a one-night stand. Quite frankly, if you're only wanting sex, then you shouldn't even be on a dating site. Then you should rather go on site like AdultFriendFinder or something where most of the women are also only looking for sex and hookups but not on a site where people are looking for serious relationships. At least in that case, you're both honest that you are only looking for sex. Yes, you're right that if I was only looking for sex, then I wouldn't give a crap if she had kids or not but that's actually not what I'm looking for.

No offence, but your advice sucks on this matter, big time.

Actually, it's a lot simpler than that. Just message people who you find attractive if you identify with something on their profiles. Messaging people you aren't interested in simply for the sake of getting dates makes no sense. Also, dating is not similar to the job market.

Wouldn't the shallow human being be the one dating people they don't actually like or see as a viable match just to gain experience? I don't think anyone likes to be a notch under the belt of someone who thinks they're above them but can't afford to be choosy. Wastes their time and yours.

If you're going to do sleazy stuff, then at least have the balls to call it what it is.

If you limit yourself, you might be missing out on vital experience or a revelation that could lead you to grow or find future fulfillment, it's similar to that job market because you might miss an opportunity that leads to a promotion.

I agree but you shouldn't worry about specifics too much, that's why you see many men and women who are single on dating sites and they remain single. People create an illusion of perfection and that harms their chances of finding a suitable partner.

If you are an Autistic man, you should first learn the process of securing dates and intimacy with women instead of focusing on the long term. You have to spread your wings before you can fly, the point of dating is to see if you are compatible and contrary to popular belief, that's not something you can tell by simply looking at a dating profile.

Some practices may not be deemed as the acts of a saint but they are not nefarious and they can contribute towards the greater good, besides what evil is greater than being alone and poor?

It should be a "red flag". It could be one of those types that practise serial monongamy because they don't want to bond with only a single man. It could also be that they ended up with a jerk.

The thing is, I don't see it as red flag. It's more of a compatibility issue. You're entering into a relationship which already has children but your interest is in the partner but and not the child.

Yes, that is true. The problem is that the woman already selected a long-term partner and failed to keep to him. It could be that she didn't try enough (in which case there is reason to believe she would repeat that behavior), or it could be that the guy was a complete jerk (but then she made a bad choice to begin with).

I would see no problem with having children, rather what this might tell me about the woman.

Wolf, you have a history of physically and mentally abusing women and don't exactly have the greatest track record with women, not to mention you have been banned from this site before due to all the bs posts. I don't think you are exactly qualified to giving dating advice to the men here.

Exactly. Most of this is horrible 'advice'.