Dating an extrovert

Post Reply New Topic

Hey everyone -

Maybe you can give me some words of advice.

At the moment I am a student at a music school for piano and composition. Just to give some perspective, I am perhaps one of the most obsessed students, doing sometimes double the amount of material for my private lessons simply because my enthusiasm is uncontrollable. The expectations from my professors for me are high where I go because that is the precedent I have set. I have a burning desire to learn this craft, and you know...to pass my actual classes at the same time x__x

I started dating another pianist this summer. She is 10 years older than me, has completed her master's many years ago, and also lives about 1000 miles away from me. I really love her and she has added a great warmth to my life.

However some of her behavior is causing a big reservoir of resentment to fester.

In an unspoken manner she expects me to speak on the phone with her for a minimum of 2 hours per day. She may not admit this, but the moment I disappear for more than 5-6 hours from texting and calling, she begins to say "I miss you" and "You fell off the grid" and "Where were you?" and all this subtly controlling stuff.

I am such an intense introvert and I am used to working 12-15 hours a day at my passion. I also go to recitals, try to connect with other musicians, and perform. I literally cannot physically sustain 2 hours of talking a day (sometimes more!! !). Some days, yes, this is nice. Most days no, I cannot do this.

It is the end of the semester and I feel physically worn out from speaking. Some days my throat feels swollen from talking. I have tried to explain this to her but her expectation for me continues to remain extremely high. She cannot accept that this is possible for a human being to feel this way because she is an extreme extrovert.

Some days I want to throw my phone into a lake and never talk on one more phone ever again. It feels like my freedom is limited. I want to be able to get lost in my work for days on end like I used to. Instead it feels like I have to babysit someone who cannot tolerate my nature and my lifestyle and who tries to but continues to fail to empathize with the life of a conservatory student. I don't have enough to talk about! I have never spoken so much in my life. It makes me feel so angry, some nights I wake up thinking about this, unable to sleep again. It's just so unbelievable that this is the life I now inhabit, where I am expected to speak for hours on end every day!

Any advice? Is this just a failure waiting to happen? How can I be more assertive? And am I crazy for feeling this way?

If you two were near each other and had a close relationship, you'd easily see each other for the equivalent of 2hrs a day (though maybe not everyday.) But when you add in dates and so forth, you're talking a decent amount of time. The difference is that some of that hang-out time might be doing mundane stuff together (like going to a store) instead of focused, intense talking on the phone.

Also, more talking happens at the early stages of a relationship than later because you are still getting to know one another and that's a lot of information to convey.

One of the reasons this is difficult is that your relationship with this girl is long-distance. Instead of being able to combine things like mundane activities or attending concerts WITH spending time with her, you have to do all those things on your own time and, IN ADDITION, talk to her on the phone.

Also, I wouldn't take her weird texts as "controlling", necessarily. I know someone like that, and it stems more from insecurity. Not knowing this girl, I can't say which it is.


What school are you at, if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks for the reply. I know I am being a little over-emotional at the moment just because I feel extremely frustrated by this new way of living with an long-distance relationship. She is a great person and isn't trying to do any harm.

It is true, it would be much easier if she was closer. Not only am I struggling to speak on the phone, but I also am having a hard time doing anything other than that since it takes up so much time every day.

I go to a school in East Tennessee.

Do you go to school?

Do you have any advice? If I can't keep up this level of talking...should I just stop? I've already explain this to her about 15 times. I don't know.

I am a pianist and saxophonist, and I'm studying composition right now through New England Conservatory's continuing ed program, under Larry Bell.

It concerns me that she is not respecting your time limit for talking.

The best thing that I can say is don't talk to her more than you can. She will either accept it or back away. You don't have to be mean about it. You just need to set limits and abide by them. If you say, "I can only talk for an hour" but continually allow her to talk to you for 2 hrs, then she won't believe you that you DO have limits.

I personally think setting aside a certain day/time to talk would be a good start - as if you were having a date, but the date is over the phone.

You have to stick to your limits, partly in order to test her character. If she thinks she can blow past your boundaries regarding how much you talk on the phone, she is likely to do that in other ways as well - things you may not see until you are spending a good deal of time together in person.

I have no experience with long-distance relationships. But, I do know something about the give and take of relationships (been married 17 years.)

Good advice.

Just my opinion here, but I generally regard LDRs as bad. They aren't REAL relationships. To be in a relationship, you really do need that "face-time" component to really feel connected.

I spent two years away from my gf and it was horrible. We both ended up cheating and didn't exactly keep much of it a secret. I had to learn to accept that it was going to happen and there was little to be done about it.

We've also been best friends for a long time and we have a LOT of history. We eventually did get married and are still together.

Oh?and I have a master's degree in music composition with an emphasis in electroacoustic composition. Most of my electives were in clarinet performance, but I definitely had plenty of practice presenting papers and doing research together with endless hours of practicing. I feel your pain and understand the pressures of a music degree. Best of luck to you!

Being in a relationship as a musician is HARD. Again?just my opinion?I would not get too attached to anyone while you're in school. Focus on practicing and writing. You need to be more worried about maintaining academic and professional relationships and, especially as a composer, collaborative work. I'm not saying your relationship CAN'T work out?I'm just saying trying to keep it going AND doing all your school work MIGHT be burning you out. Focus on what's most important. Never, EVER sacrifice what you want for what you want RIGHT NOW.

Thanks AngelRho

I have gotten a lot done professionally speaking -- any more output would be insanity at this point. Of course, I don't want to lose steam either. Sometimes I feel like the relationship is great for me because I tend to get isolated. Talking makes me feel more like my life has some warmth...some balance.

But yeah, she doesn't really deeply realize just how serious I am about being a musician, and just how hard I am willing to work. I feel sad sometimes that it is no longer -really- a choice for me to do marathon sessions (I used to do 15-hour days for a few days a week at least, which was actually bad for me but I was semi-manic and enjoyed it most of the time).

She just can't really handle that level of introversion or absorption in work.

It's hard to manage priorities when I am just so damn intense, and she is so damn intense about being connected with me (and other people too).

Sometimes I wish she was just a little less available. Maybe then I would feel I had more breathing room and stuff.

Another weird thing is that my mind changes about this topic regularly. Some days I feel great about talking, other days I feel totally trapped.