Is it better for and aspie to date an NT or an Aspie?

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marsh7024
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03 Dec 2014, 5:30 am

I am a 20 year old male with asperger's syndrome. I would like some opinions from people with experience in dating, either aspie or NT. My question is: Are Aspie-Aspie relationships or Aspie-NT relationships better/easier/more fulfilling?
feel free to offer advise and/or experiences related to this question.

Thank You



badgerface
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03 Dec 2014, 5:49 am

I'm a 34yr old Male, recently diagnosed. I would say it really depends on the person; I know that sounds like a cop-out, but I don't see any reason someone with ASD could not be with an understanding NT with similar interests and a compatible personality. I've been married and divorced, and do not think that any of the reasons that the marriage didn't work out were to do with my "issues"; they may have contributed, but we got together young, married too quickly and rushed into things. Moving on, I'm happier than I ever have been with my partner of 5 years, who is as NT as they come. I connect with her like nobody else I ever have - she's the only person I interact with virtually no "filter", she knows all about my ASD and has been amazing supportive and is actually the only real person in my life that I talk to about it and who knows (I haven't even told my Parents). We have some similar interests, and like doing the same sort of thing most of the time, and are incredibly compatible emotionally, sexually and seemingly on all levels that matter. We have a nearly 5 month old baby daughter and I'm happier than I ever have been. We have our moments, arguments, disagreements and my symptoms can annoy her at times, but then she is the first to say that she, and in fact everyone has things about their personality that confuse and annoy others.

Sorry if this all came across as gloaty or smug.

My advice would be to look beyond the Aspie/ASD/NT thing and as sentimental and cliché as it sounds, look at the person; don't rule anyone out, be open and honest, communicate and go for it. Bad relationships can be massively positive and teach you a lot about yourself and help you learn what makes you happy for the future :)


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Cafeaulait
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03 Dec 2014, 7:05 am

Totally depends on th person. There is no black and white answer. People that suit me tend to be quirky NTs.



Andreger
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03 Dec 2014, 8:46 am

My last girl had either ASD or some more serious mental issues, we were together for a long - that was great time. And this was not the reason we parted.

In fact I found that I have less problems in relations (not specially romantic, I mean any contacts) with those who have some mental or behavior issues. So for me Aspie girl is better than NT.



badgerface
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03 Dec 2014, 9:01 am

Image


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Xanthic~Rain
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03 Dec 2014, 2:44 pm

I've heard that Aspies tend to hook up with people in compassionate societal roles, such as teaching or caregiving, regardless of whether or not they're NT. Don't know how true that is for the rest of you folks out there, but it was certainly true in my case. My wife spent years as a social worker, a teacher, and a caregiver before meeting me. My decision to be with wasn't based on that, but that's how it worked out anyway. She's pretty NT, quirky, and has been very supportive since finding out I have ASD. If you can find someone who loves you for your idiosyncrasies rather than judging you for em, then you'll know you have something good.



yellowtamarin
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03 Dec 2014, 8:10 pm

As above, it depends. My most fulfilling previous relationship was with a cuspie...someone probably not diagnosable as autistic but with a fair number of traits. The one I bailed out of the quickest despite him being a lovely person was with an extroverted NT...that was never going to work.

As an introverted aspie I think it's more important for me to date an introvert than an aspie, if that makes sense. It's the introverted persona that makes it a better match, than the aspie persona...other than being logical which is also a definite plus for me.

So I'd say personally, I don't look for aspiness in a partner, but I do look for introversion and logical thinking. Aspies are more likely to have those things than the general population.

(My thinking aloud got me there in the end, haha!)



nick007
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03 Dec 2014, 11:47 pm

My 2nd girlfriend was an Aspie & so is my current(which is my 3rd). I felt I communicated better with both & they both understood me. My personality within a relationship is kind of opposite of the stereotypical Aspie guy. I love being affectionate, emotional close with my partner & discussing feelings. I like women who are more needy & clingy. My 2nd girlfriend had a very strong desire to be independent & liked having alot of space & broke up with me because she believed she was better off without anyone. My current girlfriend is kind of needy & clingy & loves affection so we're a much better match.


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marsh7024
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04 Dec 2014, 1:29 pm

Thanks to all of you who have responded.

I will add the fact that I have only been in one relationship before and it only lasted a few months. She was an aspie. however, I didn't realize that I had asperger's until several months after we broke up. I am sure my lack of self awareness probably contributed to the break up. After that i felt like I didn't really want to date at all any more. but recently, I have felt like I want to have that kind of relationship again.

I am pretty introverted and I think I am attracted to people who are more like me. I don't think I would feel very comfortable in a relationship with an extrovert who is extremely affectionate. I feel like it would be hard for me to return their affection. I guess one of the things I worry about as far as an NT relationship is whether or not I could connect with them on the deeper emotional level that they would want. I am not very adept at emotions. I have difficulty expressing them and even understanding which one I am feeling.

I would also like to know the pros and cons of each type of relationship.



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08 Dec 2014, 7:52 pm

badgerface wrote:
Image


Just looking at this pic makes me want to contact my ex-GF, who was NT, but thankfully, she's moved on with her life with a new BF. She also, in terms of physical resemblance, looks like the actress who plays Amy on
The Big Bang Theory.

{And no, I do not resemble Jim Parsons. :lol: }


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08 Dec 2014, 7:57 pm

Xanthic~Rain wrote:
I've heard that Aspies tend to hook up with people in compassionate societal roles, such as teaching or caregiving, regardless of whether or not they're NT. Don't know how true that is for the rest of you folks out there, but it was certainly true in my case. My wife spent years as a social worker, a teacher, and a caregiver before meeting me. My decision to be with wasn't based on that, but that's how it worked out anyway. She's pretty NT, quirky, and has been very supportive since finding out I have ASD. If you can find someone who loves you for your idiosyncrasies rather than judging you for em, then you'll know you have something good.


A few days after I broke up with my ex-GF {we dated on & off for 18 months, though thankfully, my family never met her}, I walked to a bar by my house where I met an older woman who was running the bar and gave me a glass of ginger ale for free. She's helped me get over my ex-GF and we've been friends since. Even though the older lady is NT, she and I talk whenever I go there to see her.


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Hansgrohe
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09 Dec 2014, 1:02 am

In the end when it comes to this kind of stuff there's no blunt answer. It all depends on how you and your partner work things out.

I DID have a relationship with an extroverted NT (AKA kinda the stereotypical social, very popular, really talky and loudmouth girl), and let me tell you this: it ended worse than the Hindenburg disaster. We actually got along pretty well at first but things deteriorated.... in the end I'll stay away from those types, thank you very much.



pj4990
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09 Dec 2014, 5:14 pm

I'm poly with an NT partner and an Aspie partner, so in theory I have a pretty good comparison although they're quite hard to compare on those grounds alone. What makes someone a compatible partner isn't just whether they're Aspie/NT. There are plenty of Aspies I don't think I would get along with. My NT partner is useful because he's my bridge to normal people, I probably have a lot more friends because of him, and he's got some of the same interests as me so there's no problem having nothing to talk about as I do with NT people I have no major common interests with. He has a pretty good understanding of Asperger's and doesn't expect me to change or get cured. The Aspie partner and I have an excellent understanding of each other I've never had with anyone else before, but that's not just because of Asperger's, we have very similar views on just about everything.

Both are very talkative which is important for me because I find it very hard to start or maintain a conversation with someone more introverted than me. It just ends in a long awkward silence and then no reason to talk to them ever again because we already ran out of conversation.

The most important thing is they both have long hair :)



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09 Dec 2014, 6:10 pm

I agree with the idea already given that there is no answer.

People are to complicated and unique & finding a good match could be from either group.



Ohdannyboy
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10 Dec 2014, 2:06 am

Iv'e dated 2 NTs one lasted 2 weeks the other lasted a month (but those were in high school)
I dated another autistic person it lasted 2 years