Self worth, strange interests, and weird expectactions

Post Reply New Topic

I've had a few dating profiles online over the last few years, and they've never worked out in addition to a couple of irl dates. I've tried to figure out what is going wrong, and I think I have. The next problem is that I don't know how to solve these issues.

1) I'm lacking in the self worth area. This is mixed in to reason #2. I made the big mistake of being a member of a website that basically told me I was trash and worthless because of the things I enjoyed. I was told I must bring shame on my family, and all sorts of other things that have warped my way of viewing myself for years. When it comes to thinking of finding someone else, I feel like I'm not worth it. That I must be trash, and that everyone is going to up and leave me as soon as they learn about me and my interests.

2) The weird interests. I'm a furry, and if that wasn't bad enough I am an artist who draws erotic fetish art. I feel like trash for this because of how many people have told me that that was what I was. Plus, I have no idea how to bring that up to a person who is interested in me. This is something I really love and that brings me a lot of joy, and as strange as it is, I'd really like to share it with my future partner. How do you even broach that subject, and when do you do it?

3) I can't stand physical contact. I can endure very short hugs, and sometimes light cuddling if I am 100% comfortable with someone and trust that they won't try to push me any further. I have a sex drive but I really don't desire sex with anyone else at all and I don't find people sexually attractive. I've talked to a few people (who weren't interested in me but were giving advice) and they brought up the idea of sharing sexuality by finding someone who enjoys what I do (the furry stuff) and we could be sexually intimate by sharing this interest. I'm confused again, though, in how or when to even bring this up.

I've tried hiding all of these things in dating before (online and off), and it never works out. They either run as soon as they discover my interest, or they ignore what I say about not wanting to be touched or desiring sex and they try to force me into sexual contact.

What could I do? Does anyone have any advice or hints?

1! That's horrible! D: You poor thing! I don't know you well enough to properly reassure you. And you haven't made enough WP posts for me to stalk and find out how awesome you are. But nobody should be made to feel that way. I'm so sorry you do. .-.

2! Have you ever gone to a furry convention? I've never gone, but I have friends who are furries, and who go to such things, and even friends that are furry artists like you. From their experiences it sounds like a really great, accepting place.^^ So, if you haven't tried that yet, I would suggest it! If you find someone there, you don't have to worry about explaining furries to them. I'd hope. Unless they were super lost.

But how to explain it to anybody else? I have two suggestions. The first would be to show them some of your art. I'd suggest showing them some of the less...risque stuff? If you have any. Because that could spark a conversation on it easily. And if furries have anything going for them, it's gorgeous art. However, as an artist, I know that showing your work is hard, so you could always try finding other things to spark a conversation on it. I know that werewolves are not the same thing, but it's a lot easier to find a werewolf movie, and...I'm so sorry, I have no idea how to get from point a to point b with this. D: But you know your fandom. So hopefully you'll have better luck connecting the dots!

3! You have to be upfront with people about this one. It's not fair to your partner if they desire physical intimacy and withhold for you, and it's not fair to you to be forced into things you don't want to do. Unfortunately, I don't really have any practical advice. Maybe try dating an asexual, or someone with similar hypersensitivity to touch?

Also, welcome to WP! =D And I wish you lots of luck! <3

Thank you very much for the thought out response!

I had an account here before, but I don't remember the details or email. I wasn't terribly active anyways though, so you probably wouldn't have learned much

Thank you for the consolation. I've spent quite a long time trying to undo that damage, but I have a long way to go still. The good thing that has come of it is that I try to treat others the best I can, even if I don't understand things that they enjoy.

I haven't gone to a convention, but there's a local group that I visited once. I have really bad anxiety and that was before I was on medication, so I ended up leaving and never went back. From the few minutes I was there, the people were really nice. I should try to get in touch with them again! I think I live too far away from furry conventions unless I am not aware of a closer one.

I do have some safe for work things that I could use. I usually hide everything about myself so I hid that as well, but I guess I can't really show who I am if I hide? I do have a little notebook that I carry certain prints in, maybe I should carry it around in case the subject ever comes up. And I love werewolf movies, maybe I should bring that up as well, haha!

I make it a point to be very upfront with the issue about physical intimacy. I guess the only thing I can do with this is keep trying, though the fact that people have tried to "fix" me or force me into sexual situations really scares me a lot. I have tried describing myself on dating profiles as asexual looking for someone who is asexual, but I feel that's a lie on my part (because of what I do) and I'm not sure how many asexuals would be on a dating site (all I got with that description were people who said they could change me).

Again, thank you very much! I have some things I want to try now, like getting in touch with the local furry group again

Ah, then welcome back.^^

You should totally take a second look into that group! That's super exciting that you have one in your area! I hope you make a ton of new friends there! <3 Also, I think there are a good number of conventions. One of my friends seems to always be coming back from one and posting her con photos. Good news is that if something exists, the internet is usually a grand place to find out about it! Or the people in your group might go to a few together! =D

I do know that asexuals can have a desire for relationships like anybody else, and are capable of forming intimate relationships. From what I'm seeing on asexuality.org I don't think you have to worry about feeling like you're lying. Like any community of humans, asexuals are super diverse. Plus, I just did some quick research and there are some dating sites that cater specifically to asexuals. I can't guarantee you won't get the really scary people, but it might be a better chance? I really hope so, for your sake, people shouldn't be forcing you into anything like that or even talking about it. D: That's horrible.

Good luck with the local furry group! <3

Thank you again!

I'll definitely be getting a hold of that group. And thank you for the talk about asexuality. I think I remember being part of an asexual dating site a while back, but I live in a very rural area and on any specialized sites I usually can't find anyone.

I'll try revamping my OkCupid with new information to see if I can get some better results. I had less creepy people on that website than on others.

Thanks so much for talking to me about this, it makes everything better