Tired of Being On "Probation"

Post Reply New Topic

I really hate my limitations sometimes.

I lost my best friend because she said something hurtful and instead of being able to sit down right then and there to have a heart-to-heart talk I had to go stim and calm down and process. My figuratively walking away to calm down, even when explained at the time, was perceived as more egregious than her initial betrayal of my confidence.

I had two guys break up with me in the last year because the first time I bring up my needs or express that I feel a particular action of theirs is hurtful, they are gone. I feel like in every single relationship I have, friendship, romantic, work, etc..., I am just one slip up away from losing that relationship. I have to walk on eggshells and "pass" in order to have people in my life, and in so many ways that feels futile because it feels like everyone leaves eventually anyway.

It feels like I have to work three times as hard as other women to get into a relationship, and then in trying to be my absolute emotional and social best I am not challenging or interesting enough to date. So then I am left with men who are in worse shape than I am, particularly socially, who want to date me, and then I am faced with someone I would have to take care of who doesn't have the capability to take care of me when I need that.

I dream of a relationship where I can relax and know if I screw up or express needs that everything won't come crashing down. I am tired of feeling like I am on probation.

Did you know that Kennedy Airport in New York City used to be called Idlewild Airport?

Nope, I don't believe in walking on eggshells; it's bad for the feet.

Guys frequently hate talking about "feelings." It makes them feel defensive.

I hope the next guy you date will be more amenable to talking about "feelings," so you could be a happier person.

I HATE talking about feelings. It takes a lot of energy and effort so I generally only speak up when it is really important.

I don't think the talking about feelings is an issue. I see men dating high maintenance women who need constant reassurance and I don't get it. The contrast between women who are constantly needy and myself shows that idea that guys don't want to talk about feelings isn't quite true.

I don't know. I am just sad tonight. I feel defective and damaged and like all the work I have put into my social skills is pointless. What is the point if I can chit-chat and come off as gregarious for few hours if I can't sustain personal relationships?

And, no, I did not know that.

I got the name from an L.M. Montgomery novel.

I don't know about Social Skills since I don't want them but relationship wise, it comes down to being yourself. You put who you really are out there and it'll catch someones eye. And then maybe you get lucky where the person who likes you, you like who they are and then it works out. Don't really worry about how you look to someone else, worry about how you look when you look at yourself (very vague I know but what I mean is very much there).

As for the telling them that something they're doing is hurtful to you, that's not your fault. In fact since you're in a relationship you have the obligation to mention things like that if you want. Real relationships are something that both parties give 100% of their effort into. It's not fair to you for you to be doing all the work.

If it's something like Depression that your partner has that's a little different. They can't help that. If you really care for them regardless of what happens you'll be there, and they need that. And when it is authentic they will do the same for you. Whenever you need help, they'll help, and whenever they need help, you'll help. It's a little more intuitive than how I'm purporting it out to be. It can be really hard to spot the difference between this and lack of effort. And then there's the whole other thing of having such strong feelings that you won't leave. I've been there. Recently. I've seen it too.

Well you are more successful than me because you are actually managing to get into relationships, so first of all, I respect that and slightly envy you.

Have you read any information on communication? Sometimes it's not what you say it's the way that you say it.

I did a quick google search on the words "how to communicate in a relationship without blaming"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/6-ways-to-stop-the-blame-game_b_4953187.html

http://liberatingchoices.com/2013/05/15/how-to-communicate-anger-without-blame/

I really don't understand why your friend was angry with you for walking away from an argument to calm down before you discussed the situation. That was the right thing for you to do. No one should start a serious discussion on something when fired up with rage. You just end up saying things you regret. I hope you work things out with her.

This is why I love WP. People are awesome here by being helpful and understanding.

I haven't read those articles but I do try to be careful how I phrase things so I'm not blaming. But that doesn't always help. One guy I dated kept insisting I was painting him as a jerk when I had just mentioned I didn't like some of his behavior toward me. But instead of hearing what I was saying, which was that he is great but some of his behavior is hurtful, he just kept saying I was making him out to be a villain. He couldn't grasp the distinction between actually being a jerk and choosing to act like a jerk.

I sometimes think it would be easier to date someone on the spectrum because we would both know our shortcomings and attempt to communicate clearly.

I would like to know how you are saying these things

Are you yelling, or talking with an irritated tone?

Or are you monotone and calm?

Are you saying 'you are great but there are a couple of things....'

An example would be calmly saying "Last night you were really negative about the thing I was doing for you. Rather than getting angry at me for doing it that way, can you politely ask me to do it the way you want?"

that sounds reasonable to me.
Maybe NT people need to be told in a different way, im not sure.

After you said that what is the usual response?
and then what is your response to that?

Look, if you really want to hear if you are saying wrong things then you should include all details of the conversation, not to substitute info with "The thing" and "it".

So far, your input is too oblivious and vague.

Also people are f*****g weird:

http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=268772

"I feel like in every single relationship I have, friendship, romantic, work, etc..., I am just one slip up away from losing that relationship. I have to walk on eggshells and "pass" in order to have people in my life, and in so many ways that feels futile because it feels like everyone leaves eventually anyway."

In a way I feel like this too. And you know what I found out? The moment I became more confident and starting exploring passions and filling in my life, people that had previously broken off friendships or romantic relationships with me, came back to me like a boomaring. Sometimes that didn't happen until after many years, sometimes it happened after a few months. Appearantly those people then realised that they had dismissed someone valueable way too quickly and unfairly. In the beginning it really hurt me when I lost another friend of mine because I (accidentally) hurt them. But then I started thinking and I realized that those past friendships really were not that good to begin with, otherwise they wouldn't be gone over one thing. I mean, some of my friends wouldn't even ever again have a decent conversation with me after I had said or done something hurtful once. I would always feel guilty so I tried everything in my power to get them talking to me again, wanting to be my friend again. What kind of immature friendships were they then?

I've learnt not no be so hard on myself. I am a great friend and a great listener. People always tell me that they feel they can really drop their guard with me and just be themselves around me. They feel supported by me. I've learnt that I AM a sweet and attentive person. So if these so called 'friends' easily drop me just because I accidentally hurt them once, they are not worth my friendship. I was always so afraid of losing friends, but to be honest that has improved a lot. I DO NOT want to constantly walk on eggshells with someone that is no better of a friend than me. I'm not even going to bother chasing them. They are not worth more than I am.


Be confident. Pursue your passion. Be the best version of yourself. Have boundaries and value yourself. That sounds so cheesy but it's very true.

Agreed. It's really difficult to discern what is the problem based on the OP and these messages. It could be the way you say something, your body language, the way you give feedback (Do you also give positive feedback? Tell him how good/safe/calm/happy/etc they makes you feel?), behaviours that are irritating to others but that you are not aware of. I would suggest findings this out by asking others for their feedback.
It could be that you are just meeting the wrong people. Too immature, insecure and with a lot of baggage their own. It might not even have anything to do with you.
It could be just so many things. And what's even more difficult is that it is usually a combination of things.

The first example that came to mind wasn't PG13. I wasn't asking for communication help. I was simply venting stress.

If it's something hurtful, unpleasant or disgusting fetish action you do it without beforehand clear consent then always expect guys to get upset and leave you next day.

I can't imagine otherwise what normal "action" in bed that may upset a guy.