Dear fellow members,
A few days ago, I broke up with my girl-friend for the second time. I have never experienced a heartbreak of this magnitude, and do not know what to do. Let me summarize my story.
A few years ago, I fell in love with a girl. We had known each other for a few years, but she considered me to be some sort of an ‘oddball’. After I had told her about my diagnosis, many of my peculiarities and social awkwardness started to make sense to her. We eventually started to develop feelings for one another, and fell in love. For the first time in my life, I experienced all those delightful symptoms associated with being in love. We cuddled, hugged, kissed, shared stories and held each other, and she really taught me what loving someone feels like, an overwhelming, passionate feeling I had never felt before. She was very supportive of my AS-related issues, and has been absolutely marvellous about the more problematic aspects of my ‘condition’.
Our relationship lasted roughly a year. Several factors played a role in our break-up. I have a tendency to incessantly question someone and want to delve into their psyche to find out how they feel, since I am somewhat oblivious to many social cues. Since this was the first time I had ever had a girlfriend, I wanted to know precisely how she felt, and wanted to be sure that she was feeling all right. As a result, I frequently interpreted her remarks negatively, and did not take many of her comments at face-value. Sometimes it is better to stick to the old adage “what you see(/hear) is what you get”. Moreover, like many people with AS, I frequently experience sensory overload. Social situations are always laden with anxiety, because I have had to learn many things about interaction, such as looking one in the eyes, paying attention to what other people are saying, and showing an interest in another person without rambling about yourself all the time. When we were a couple, we had a profound identity crisis when we were around other people. I do not know how to negotiate between cute cuddling/kissing/doing all other things that one does when one is in love, and appearing in public with your loved one. In public I frequently behaved in the same way I did when I was alone with her. She, on the other hand, also did not feel comfortable with switching between her role as girlfriend-in-private and girlfriend-in-public.
Also, I was studying fanatically, and sometimes experienced sensory overload because of my Calvinist work-ethic, while she was working hard and studying at the same time. Ever since my mid-teens, I have this strange tense feeling in my body that never disappears (which I simply call “The Great Tension”), no matter what I do, and as a result I am frequently nervous and tense and cannot properly relax. AS of course has a hand in this: I do not feel at ease with other people and feel that some core social conventions are ‘lacking’, although my AS is not that severe, and many people cannot tell that I have AS.
We eventually broke up because of these (and some other) issues. At first, I did not really realize that we had broken up. It was not until I heard that she was seeing someone else that I was capable of mourning. I felt terrible for several weeks, and after my sadness subsided, my contact with her was rather problematic and tense. She used to have a special look on her face when she spoke to me, a look that (so I imagine) she reserved for me, but that look was gone now and she was less open about what she was doing and frequently monosyllabic in her communication.
This summer, it felt like I had finally gotten over her. We did not have that much contact, and when I spoke to her I still had a lot of negative feelings about the situation, and realized that these feelings were unjustified since I still cared for her and loved her deeply, and wanted to tell her how I felt. I decided to get rid of these negative feelings by telling her what she still meant to me, and hoped that we would be able to get along with each other.
When she was experiencing some difficulties and had no one else to talk to, we decided to meet up one night in a park nearby. I delivered a lengthy monologue, in which I recalled all our happy and not-so-happy memories, and in which I reflected on some issues we had when we were still in a relationship. I was candid and told her about what she meant to me, that I thought she was special to me, and would always occupy a special place in my heart, not only as the first girlfriend I have ever had, but also, hopefully, as a good friend in the future. At the end of my ‘monologue’, I confessed (for the first time) that I loved her. This clearly struck a chord with her, and I actually burst out in tears (of joy), we hugged, and that special look on her face returned and we lay in the park for the rest of the night, cuddling and kissing. I did not intend the monologue to be a scheme to get her back, but rather as a way of expressing my love for her, and as a way of making amends with the past and with the rather tense communication of the past few months. At the end of the evening, she confessed that she still loved me too, and that she was considering to start over with me. I did not expect this, but was excited about the prospect.
We started to see each other again, and were determined not to make the same mistakes as before. The first three months were the happiest months of my life: we fall back in love again and made much progress with being more open about things. I did not experience sensory overload, things at school were going well, and we frequently met and spent a lot of time with each other.
About two months ago, I experienced some sort of a mental lock-down. Since a few years, I have been studying fanatically (more than 10 hours a day) and have excelled academically. I have, however, still some difficulty with social contact. I never speak to any of my high school friends. I have lost contact with others, have drifted apart from others, and have ended some friendships because some people were too lethargic to initiate contact with me. I do have some friends, but I frequently feel lonely and am at a loss as to how to subvert this situation. I can be gentle and kind, am a honest, good friend, but have trouble initiating contact. Social contact is always a source of anxiety, and that strange tense feeling I mentioned above is always present. Because I have been obsessing over studying, the only thing I have done is reading and learning. I can no longer derive pleasure from ‘banal’ activities, like watching television, and am scared to get out of my comfort-zone. Since I am nearing the end of my studies, and since tension had been accumulating for several years, I finally broke down, and have been diagnosed with a mild burn-out. I have decided to interrupt my studies for half a year in order to find a way to relax, to find out what I do find pleasurable.
During this mental breakdown, my girlfriend was extremely kind and supportive. She was sweet, consoled me when I broke down in tears, and told me everything would be all right soon. After a few weeks, things were getting considerably better, and I was looking forward to the next half year. However, around a month ago, a strange tension started to develop. My girlfriend could not take the time off work, and we had a conversation in which she told me that I was regressing into past behaviour (the incessant questioning mentioned above) and that she felt that we had not learned much from our previous relationship. I still think we progressed significantly, but doubt started to creep in. Since she was unavailable most of the time, and since I felt that her remarks were on point, and since I was still mentally unstable, I also started to question our relationship. We truly love one another, but we do not seem to ‘function’ together. She told me that it seemed like we could only function as a couple when we were both doing well, and that we could not really handle negative backlashes, which I tend to agree with.
That special look on her face has once again disappeared. We decided a few days ago to call it quits, although we still love one another dearly. Since this is the second time that we do not seem to function as a couple, I feel truly heart-broken, and feel like this is the definitive break-up. The thought of never kissing her again, never waking up beside her, of her not being a significant part of my life is unbearable. She was my first and hitherto only girlfriend, who has taught me how wonderful it can be to be in love and to care deeply for someone. I currently still hope for a future reconciliation, and think (perhaps against my better judgment) that we are still very compatible, and I cannot foresee when I will be able to live with this situation. To conclude, I do not blame her for anything. I am absolutely grateful to know her, to love and have loved her, to have experienced many pleasurable things and do not think any less of her. Neither one of us is guilty or to blame: we do not function as a couple, and I have a hard time accepting that, since I have never cared so deeply for someone in my entire life.
I was wondering how you handle break-ups? Have you ever reconciled with someone only to find out that it once again does not function? Do you also regress into past mannerisms just when you think that you have made significant progress? How did you communicate with your ex after having mourned the ending of your relationship?
I both look forward to and dread the next half-year: what can I do to feel better about myself, to hopefully get rid of The Great Tension, to befriend some people and be more socially active, can I find other things that interest me beside studying and reading? At the same time I wonder if such a half year off will significantly change the way I feel and live. Have you guys and girls ever experienced a similar situation, and has taking time off positively altered the way you think, feel and live? Has someone of you ever started your life from scratch again, and how did this work out for you?
Love, JosefK
(I am by the way grateful for a forum like this, and it is encouraging to read about the experiences of fellow board members. I find it stimulating to read about your issues, and it has helped me significantly with coping with AS in general.)
29 Dec 2014, 7:56 am
