Rejection hypersensitivity

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What kind of people handle rejection well? And what are the traits of people who handle it badly?

I know that I tend to get very angry when I am subjected to it. And I'm not just talking about romantic rejection! But social rejection as well. I had a really ugly breakup late last year with a woman who at one point wanted to be my wife but she was not only pregnant with another man's child and neither of us could come up with enough money to support ourselves, but there were a lot of personality conflicts as well. She's very extroverted, has a few hundred friends, and told me about how she was actively involved in various "scenes" in her hometown of Portland. Now I am very gothy IRL but I don't actively take part in the goth scene. When I said to her one day "I'm a goth" she contradicted me by telling me that I'm not and that it offended her because she has friends who are *in* the Portland goth scene. I had some terrible social rejection experiences with the goth scene in my hometown of Seattle some 11-12 years ago(I won't even go there cuz I'm so over it)but you get the idea. Now as we were breaking up she was trying to give me the advice of finding a place where people will "embrace your uniqueness and accept you" and more BS about how "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else...no one can fill that void".
But I'm not here to mope. Because I don't want her back, I don't want to be around her anymore, but in the future I've made up my mind that I'm not going to tolerate rejection EVER AGAIN!

The thing is though, thinking this through critically I realize that dating me is taking on a lot. I generally do not get along well with the vast majority of women, even with women who are mere acquaintances and neither of us wants anything from the other in terms of sex/romance. So it's gonna take an extraordinary kind of woman to really make it work. Because in addition to autism, I have some kind of mood disorder and tend to be emotionally unstable: I overreact to things and have irregular mood fluctuations along with an insatiable craving for attention from people and have always been attracted to extremes(because I need excitement to be stimulated).

Not trying to be rude here. But your intolerance of rejection and your adamant assertion that it can never be tolerated by you is probably going to be the guarantee that you will be rejected, a lot. We don't get to choose whether or not someone else accepts us and nor should we expect to. If we want the freedom to choose who we spend our time with then it goes without saying that, it's a freedom others can exercise too.

Being rigidly against something will only ensure that you will have such a poor reaction to it that the other person will feel very justified in their rejection of you. Better to learn to deal effectively with something that happens very commonly (to everyone, not just you) so you can keep yourself on an even keel and have the greatest chance of acceptance.

Um.....I'm venting frustration if you don't mind. IRL I would never say aloud or even hint at not being able to tolerate rejection. As for learning how to deal effectively with it, what do you suggest?

I hate rejection. It makes me furious. I would like to say you get used to it, but it's awful. Regardless, I don't take it out on the person who rejected me or their gender, I try to forget about it and get on with life.

Also setting yourself up to never get rejected again is a bad move. You can't control other people, only how you deal with them.

I would simply think that people with good self-esteem who feel secure about being able to find other opportunities and don't take it personally handle it well. People who feel like it's a direct reflection of their value as a person or who don't have anyone else take it harder.

I would agree. I am not really talking about dating rejection, but the most personal form of rejection where you've been involved with someone and they more or less decide to break up with you despite working your ass off to make it right. The kind of people who handle this well IMO are people who are highly adaptable. Personally, I have always had in incessant drive for permanence in the face of loss. This probably comes from being a person who is rather rigid. Fear of abandonment isn't all in your head for certain people, it's actually a very REAL concern. If you're not that attractive and your mate can leave you at any time for someone else then you really do have to find the right match and give it your all if you want to keep them.

Desirable people generally don't worry that much about rejection because they have plenty of other people willing to date them. Unfortunately, if you have a sex drive and for the vast majority of human beings this is so, your attractiveness to members of the sex you want to be involved with really *does* effect your self-esteem. If you are not all that desirable, the best strategy is to find a stable partner early in life that is willing to stick with you through thick and thin.

There are some undesirable people who don't let this get to them because they really don't want anything from other people and/or they're isolated so they don't see what they're missing out on. But for the rest of us, being a member of a group of people that society looks down upon and is generally disliked(i.e. Autists) tends to make self-esteem much harder to come by.

Okay. That wasn't obvious to me from your post. I don't have any great words of wisdom here because rejection hurts me too. But I came to deal with it in the following ways.

- I accepted that its inevitable. 98% of people who meet me don't like or accept me. They're my personal odds, not sure what yours are like. Given that I don't hold any expectation of acceptance when I meet new people. If it happens its a pleasant surprise. Thats much easier to take than a crushing defeat 98% of the time. Its all in how I look at it.

- Even if someone does decide they like me I hold off on the success party until the new acquaintance has consistently shown a desire for my company after several meetings. Many acquaintances for me fall by the wayside within a handful of meetings. They change their mind or I make a blunder which is never forgiven. So I take nothing for granted.

- I go with the flow. Nothing in my life is permanent and I realise that even partners for me will come and go. I let them do so without being too hung up about it. It's just the way it is. Sex is not that big a deal and if it is I can always pay for it. That's what prostitutes are for. I hold a pragmatic view of life and I certainly don't put my future in the hands of other people with expectations that they are in it for the long haul. Trying to find that 1 person who will stick by me no matter what is way, way less than looking for even the 2% that will tolerate me. I don't like those odds so I don't set myself up to need to win them.

The first 2 things are pretty much exactly what I do as well. But the third one? I'm afraid I don't think I can ever go with *that* flow. I suppose that if you are able to adapt emotionally so that you can be pragmatic and override your emotions you are certainly among the lucky few. Though I am still a bit skeptical that you don't get hung up about it unless they are easy to obtain for you. I like challenges. And for me, a lasting relationship is something that is never going to come easily.........but it is so worth it.

I don't try to diagnose you but this + the rejection hypersensitivity sounds like book example of BPD.

Personally I don't have much problem with rejection. It hurts but its just a emotion just like everything else and it goes away after a while, every emotion does. And I am good with keeping it out of my mind. My body boils of emotional pain and I feel like crying but my mind stays clear. I can face emotions logically. I visualize the emotion as a huge, troubled water behind a dam. The water pushes and hits the wall but the dam is strong enough to keep it away from the center of my being. I just hear the sound and see/feel drops that splash over the dam but it can't hurt me. I trust my dam. I let in just as much of the emotion as I can stand and I take my time to analyze the situation without getting influenced by emotions.

Of course I am afraid of rejection so I choose carefully who I date and I don't get emotional too early but the potential rejection is not something that I will avoid no matter what. In fact I tend to subconsciously test the one who I date because unconditional acceptance is more important to me then simply not being rejected. If someone rejects me just for being myself its fine because I am tired of acting someone I am not and I deserve to be loved for who I am or not at all. Rejection is a short pain if you compare it to constant feeling of being mismatched and watching your each step in order to avoid mistakes.
I am fine with myself so another person is not necessary for my happiness. It would be nice to have someone to hug or who could take care of me but I am used to being alone so it doesn't bother me much.

Wow.....I never thought that I had BPD but it might be a possibility. I have always been very intense ever since adolescence and my ex commented on the fact that I have mood swings. Perhaps I have some kind of mood disorder and I need to find out. Echolalia seems to have a more rational approach to this matter but rational thought and action requires emotional self-control. Not everyone has the ability to override their emotions and adapt psychologically even though it's clearly in their best interests to do so as it is in mine.

the problem is that consistent rejection will break ANYONE.

First rejection is easy.
Second rejections is okay.
Third is tolerable, and you move on.
Fourth, you're composed, you'll try harder next time...
Fifth, there must be something seriously wrong with you.
Sixth, you can't believe this, no matter what you do nothing is working.
Seventh, you being to hate yourself, and you start flirting with resentment.

As the chain goes on, and as years pass by, you'll eventually turn into a person like the santa barbara shooter, full of resentment and hatred, loneliness and bitterness. Time is what breaks you down and begins to warp you, avoiding being dealt that sort of chronic pain is a good move if you can't attract anyone, although that leads into other shadows which can be just as dark.

Really, if you are the kind of person that has to face this sort of thing, I wish there was good advice to tell you, all I can say is that there is a much better world out there, far past this life. Have a stern belief in that world and maybe you'll be able to escape this one with some part of your heart still intact.

This world is not meant for fragile hearts, and yet fragile hearts are the most lovable, if only others could see that.

Eight, you decide you don't care anymore.
Nine, you live your own life, happy with yourself.
Ten, out of blue someone happen to like you for who you are.

Been there, done that - just with friendship, for now.
I'm still staying at point 9 when it comes to romantic relationship but I am convinced point 10 will happen one day as well. And if it doesn't - I am fine with the point 9 too.

Taking solace in friends is nice, but the heart does demand more. If you're youngish you will have a fair bit of endurance to be content at that, but time will diminish that strength like a force unlike any other, don't count on your strength to last forever.

But this mostly concerns people who have been dealt chronic and consistent rejections. If you've had sporadic success every now and then, you needn't worry about following that chain, that once-in-awhile success is a massive boon that resets you back to number one (or at least a few numbers back).

What makes you so sure that you made the decision to not care free of any neurological or mental constraints? Brains make minds. When people talk about "want" or "care" these are emotive forces which correspond to activity patterns and pathways in the limbic system. I mean, hell, I could decide that I don't care about food anymore and stop eating but then my body would react and knowing me, if I were starving and I saw food I wouldn't be able to control my urge to eat.

It's pretty clear that the desire for companionship is hardwired(literally) into the vast majority of human beings. Some lucky few can effectively suppress that desire but the rest of us seek it out. The point I'm trying to get across to you is that you should not assume that everyone else has the abilities that you have. Because I for one do not.

Well, consistent rejection will break the VAST MAJORITY of people but some can handle it.


This world is designed for people who are emotionally adaptable. If you aren't, you're going to suffer. It's a shame but that's the nature of things. A life form that cannot adapt is one that will not survive.

I also didn't have the ability at first. I was at point 7. I broke. I reached the bottom. And then I... bounced. It took me by surprise. Perhaps word "realize" is more accurate than "decide".

Relationships are not food, air or sleep. They are not necessary to life. They are more like sweets - you desire them and they feel nice but you won't die if you don't have them even if your body seem to need them badly. There are replacements. Just like you can replace sweets with fruits you can replace relationships with interests or career.