Romantic conversation tips

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Sorry for the double-post (kind of), but I figured this deserved a separate topic. Basically, how do you have a romantic conversation as opposed to a regular one? What makes it different from a regular conversation? Does it have more to do with the conversation topics, style of speaking, or just who you're talking to? What are some ways to inject romance into a conversation on a date? I tried googling for this, but the answers I saw were next to useless...they basically said "talk about something that you're both interested in", which is pretty much a given if you're even having a conversation with someone.

Usually what I do is talk about either my passion for the outdoors, art, or music, and maybe quote a few lines from some of my favorite poems where it fits the context of the conversation. This is usually the kind of stuff I see in the movies, but I don't know if it's quite as effective in reality. I think that my lack of romantic intuition hurts me, so I'm trying to see what else I could do to improve on it.

I saw your other post and yellowtamarin's reply. This sheds some light.

Yellowtamarin theorized that your dates saw something they hoped would just be a one-off on the first date but on the second date they realized it was a strong part of you and that was the dealbreaker.

For further dates, you need to ask them about their passions. Quoting bits of poetry is fine but if it comes in the context of talking only about your passions, it will come across as just one more thing they are supposed to listen to and be impressed by. On the first date it will be off-putting but not a dealbreaker. She goes home thinking "that was fun but I wonder if this guy is in lecture mode all the time and if he will ever care about my interests." The second date is the proving ground. (Here I am theorizing.) She decides that if you ask her about her, she will continue but if you continue to just talk about your interests she will write you off (regretfully) as too self centered.

Clearly you are coming across pretty well in other areas or there would be no second date. That makes me think (as it also makes yellowtamarin think) that the second date is where they look for a repeat of the potential red flag (only talks about self) and if it is there it ends there. If it isn't then a 3rd date will happen.

Famous men can and do get away with having everything be about themselves. Picasso was covered in women and I doubt he ever once asked one of them about their day and their interests. But you are not famous.

The next time you go on a date, ask about her interests and discuss those too. Try to make the conversation an even split between being about you (so she gets to know you) and being about her (so she doesn't feel like she is being asked to be an audience). You might think that merely going out with her shows an interest in her but it doesn't fully. To get that 3rd date, you have to show an interest in her specifically- her life, her interests, her job, her classes (if a student) otherwise it will seem that you are just interested in her as a generic woman not her as a unique individual.

Ask about her. There is nothing more romantic. And if there is a piece of poetry that perfectly fits what she just told you about herself, that's when you bring in the poetry quotes.

Thank you very much for the reply. I think that I already do what you suggested fairly well - I would say that the bulk of my time in the conversations is actually spent asking them questions about their lives and interests. It's once she finishes what she was saying about a particular subject that I interject about my experiences. For example if she's talking about how much she enjoys photography and some of her favorite things to take pictures of, I'll jump in and start talking about how I got into photography and some of the things I love about it.

I do get what you are saying though, and I never thought of it that way. A lot of the time on dates I do feel almost like I have to share all of the interesting things in my life in order to keep their interest, and I have felt sometimes like it is boasting (which is totally not who I am - it's just me trying to put my best face forward in a sense). I never really considered that it may come across as self-centered to do that. I guess I feel like making it all about her ends up with me knowing a lot about who she is, but her not knowing nearly as much about who I am, so I always worry that that will end up being kind of one-sided.

I will say though that around date 3 I do start having more difficulty coming up with questions to ask her. By that point we've already covered most of the big ones - family, life history, interests, music/movies/books tastes, sometimes politics/religion. I usually go in with a list of at least 4-5 big questions to ask her when the conversation starts to dry up. Then it becomes more about what's around us and what's going on in our lives at the moment.

A way to address the problem of running out of topics and questions is to have an activity date, then you can talk about the activity. Hiking, a museum, a concert. If on date #1 (or 2) you find out some shared interests then that tells you what to do for an activity on date #2 (or 3).

If you have a mutual interest in photography (per your example) you could go to a photo exhibition or find things to photograph together (architecture, nature whatever) and both bring your cameras. That way it isn't all talk.

After the first date, I try to make all dates activity dates...usually either hikes or walks through a local park/garden/museum. Sometimes it doesn't work out though - if she's busy on the weekend and we schedule something for a week night, or if it's raining, then it either forces us into a more conversationally-driven date or we wait for an extra week or so before getting together again (which I'm starting to think may be the better option, since more than 1 dinner date with the same person always seems to end poorly).

Hold on - an extra week or so? Sorry this is now more a reply for your other thread but I'll put it here as it's about what you just said above.

I have another theory. My dates are rarely more than a week apart (well, this was the case when I lived in the city anyway). If I like someone I want to see them again soon! If we wait too long, I may be less likely to feel a romantic connection and instead it's like a friendship. Meaning, I'll feel all excited to see them again for a day or three, then by two weeks down the track I've started to lose interest as my life has focused elsewhere. Maybe on another date! (Though I try to avoid that.)

If you are consistently separating your dates by a week or more, that might be part of the problem. Catch up again sooner and keep the momentum flowing.

And I should attempt to respond to your OP since I gatecrashed it.

Date conversations are different to other conversations for me, but I think that's because I'm aspie. How are they different? They are easier. A one-on-one conversation with a potential partner is much easier than one with a new acquaintance, work colleague, etc. This is because I feel free to be (show) myself, and to ask basically whatever I want of them without feeling like I'm being intrusive. Well, the point is if I am being intrusive then that's a sign we are not like-minded, because I want a relationship that is full of open, raw conversation.

People say dates are like job interviews but I disagree. I'm not trying to impress the other person, I'm just being myself and hoping that impresses them. I also hope they are doing the same. If either of us is not impressed, so what, we might need money but we don't need a partner. So it's a lot less stressful.

Summary: For me, a date conversation is usually more honest, genuine, interesting, deep and relaxed than a conversation with anyone else I don't know well.

Thanks for the reply. I usually try to schedule them only on the weekends so that we can actually go out and do something, so they're always about a week apart. The issue I have with trying to schedule more is like I mentioned above - after work, there's really not much we can do other than go out to dinner, and I find too many dinner dates in a row to be very difficult. The reasons being, for one, that you have to come up with possibly 2 or more hours of conversation with someone you don't know that well - this is usually easy on the first or maybe second date, but then it starts to become really difficult without some sort of joint activity to discuss. Second, on those dates you are the source of their entertainment. I think that I'm a perfectly fun person to be around, but I am just not able to be that entertaining in that setting, where we're just sitting and having a conversation. When we're both doing something together though, I can say for certain that every time I've gone on an activity date with someone we've both had a great time, regardless of how things worked out. Now that I come to think of it, I've only been rejected once after an activity date - almost all of the rejections occur after a dinner or similar-style date.



Thank you for the reply. For me I feel the same way in that I am much more open and willing to be inquisitive on a date than in any other avenue of life. I guess that your comment sounds very much like the way I already treat date conversations, so maybe that's not so much my issue.