Needing help with misunderstanding

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In short, I was in a long distance 2 year relationship with someone who has Asperger's. Personally, I have AS traits but am still neurotypical. Due to that I understood him fairly well, just not completely.

I had anxiety issues relating to a hormone condition that went undiagnosed for 5 years. It was diagnosed as OCD and anxiety. It caused a lot of stress. From October onward, I was on a medication that worsened my symptoms but was supposed to treat OCD/anxiety. Then, shortly after that in December, I was put on another medication after they discovered the hormonal problems. But that was also the wrong medication.

I went to visit him for a couple of weeks end of December, I was supposed to be there from the 22nd to the 13th of January. The first week went well, but my medication gave me severe side effects starting the 27th of December. I thought I was having panic attacks, so I just didn't mention it and just asked to snuggle with him etc. It got worse the next day, I cried for about 6 hours but just couldn't stop. Then the day after, I had a full blown meltdown. I don't remember much of it, I just remember lying on the floor sobbing, basically begging him to help me. He almost called an ambulance because it was so bad. The next day I got told I had to go home early, and I spent the rest of the evening crying because I was scared of how I felt. Felt like I was going to die, kept repeating "I'm not okay". The next day I was still anxious but okay...it was New Year's so I tried to have fun...but the day after that I don't even remember. I sort of "came to" in the basement at 5:30 at night, he was eating a pizza. I don't remember after that either. I remember waking up the next morning and having to go to the airport, he told me everything was going to be okay and we'd see each other on the 12th of February.

Well that didn't happen. He promised to Skype me over the weekend, and didn't. Then he didn't text me. Then I freaked out, I don't even remember much of that but I know I spammed him with text messages because I was still very emotional.

Then, Monday the 4th, he broke up with me. Deleted me off Facebook the 7th. That day he told me he couldn't deal with the panic attacks and I had stressed his family out. He said if I got better we could reassess. He said we could be friends but he needed time and I needed to get better. He wanted updates from me too, so I've been sending them every week (or very rarely when a major positive event happened). I only even remember this because I reread it.

Well, I devoted myself to getting better. But in the last while I have found out that I had this hormonal disorder, and all my symptoms were because the doctors ignored it. They mistreated me, which triggered the severe anxiety attacks while I was visiting. It caused all my symptoms. I am 100% treated now, I haven't even had 1 panic attack in over 40 days. He is reading my messages but is not replying. He hasn't readded me on Facebook, but hasn't blocked me anywhere either. Not even our messaging app for example. (And he's reading there too).

I don't know what to do. I don't want to push him away, but I am hurting so badly. None of this was my fault, the doctor even said as much. She apologized profusely for putting me in danger with letting other doctors give me the medication that caused the effects. I just want him to forgive me for being sick, but I don't know how to get through his AS to convince him of that. I know I screwed up but I wasn't "me". My doctor diagnosed me with amnesia from the medication as well (she said it was because of the stress it had on my brain plus the chemical imbalances) because I can't even remember most of what happened.

Any advice?

As impossible as it may seem, take him out of the equation for a while. You shouldn't have to prove yourself to anyone, and don't need anyone's forgiveness for being ill. The one exception is to forgive yourself.

A strong relationship encompasses acceptance of each other. If he can't accept you in rough patches as well as happier days, then he isn't right for you.

Most people don't want to deal with someone who appears to be very out of whack. It's not compassionate and a bit selfish but unless there is some major form of love happening that kind of event is going to make the vast majority of people steer clear. It's great that you've addressed the issue but it's only been just over a month since your cure. He is understandably cautious and skeptical.

He's a guy with issues of his own and this kind of emotional load may have been simply too much for him. It could also be that his promise to reassess and maintain a connection was a let you down easy strategy, as a way to end the relationship without kicking you in the guts at the same time. We, the random strangers on the internet cannot possibly know the truth of your situation.

If his family were also witness to this, it's very possible they are counselling him to break a connection with you, out of concern for his wellbeing. That's also a completely normal thing to do in the circumstances. It may well be a misunderstanding and you are not a danger to their son. But most people will not give 'out of whack' a second chance once some major drama has occurred.

Realistically I think the only thing you can do is go on with your life and if he chooses to re-enter it at some point, well okay then. But if not then you'll have to let it go. Although you may have been in communication with this fellow for 2yrs, it wasn't really anything more than a penpals situation. Real relationships don't occur until after people have met in person, bonded and then decided it is a relationship. Unfortunately it seems to be a trend these days that people imagine a real relationship has formed via distance communication. And yet time and time again the 'relationship' suddenly changes after they have met.

If he is reading your messages, that is a GOOD thing. But, right now, don't expect more.

I wouldn't be surprised if your panic attack and meltdown really scared him/overloaded him, though it was not your fault. What you described sounds VERY SCARY, even just reading it.

He needs time to bounce back from this, just as much as you do. You both need some healing. And, though you didn't intentionally break trust with him, he doesn't see you as someone stable right now. It takes time to show that you are healthy. Even if the doctors have determined that you are now healthy and this won't happen again, that doesn't undo the "feeling" that you were/are unstable. Give it time.

He obviously cares something for you if he is reading your messages and wants updates. Don't push it or expect any more. Accept what you are being given and hope for the best. Don't freak out or get demanding because that will make it seem like you are not yet stable.

I don't know what you are talking about in your messages, but I wouldn't dwell on what happened. Talk about other things, too, that show life is getting back to normal and you are doing normally-functioning things.

I don't know if the relationship can be completely repaired. Only time will tell.