Love but limited commitment ....Help please

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Hello Everyone

I have been dating a guy for two years and after a few months of dating we chatted about him probably having Aspergers he agreed. He has an online borderline score but no official diagnosis. We don't live together but I spend most of my time at his ( I have my own place). We are still in Love with each other but I am now wanting more commitment. He has a stressful job that he says is stopping us from moving in together at the moment. He says he is unsure of together for ever which I get its the next big step and needs thought.

However I am unsure if it is just the Aspergeric way of dealing with things that is holding him back. My gut says it is but just wanting to make sure its not a mask. Generally when we have issues that need change we both reflect and things do change. We respect each others space, money etc and it works for us.

Example of some of our issues (Seem to be AS stereotypes)
- He wouldn't say he loved me. He would say I am with you why do you need me to tell you.
- He has concerns over what will we talk about when we get older, I have said we will find interests together.
- Sometimes he feels lonely and bored when he isn't working he doesn't have many friends, I have said when work eases off he will be able to go out and meet more people (Sometimes awkward moments but outgoing).
-When I try to talk about commitment he fogs over and says he just doesn't know and then forgets it was an important issue that needs a resolution. Which makes me think its the AS and not just him using me?

I have given him a deadline to think about more commitment but am not sure if this is the way to go? Maybe understanding himself with a counselor would be more useful than time to think himself? What else can I do to understand ?

Please could people suggest practical advise on how to try to get both our needs filled in regard to more commitment. I know this is my issue wanting to conform to social norms and I suppose being afraid it will end if he doesn't give me more commitment. I know nothing lasts forever but after two years I just want some more security its making me feel vulnerable.

Thanks

In my opinion, these online tests aren't enough to self-diagnose Aspergers--no less professionally diagnose Asperger's.

Maybe he has Asperger's/autism--but maybe he doesn't. Maybe he just has Aspergian traits.

Guys of all stripes tend to have problems with commitment.

If I were given an ultimatum, I would be irritated, but it would also make me think as well. Some guys would be really put off by an ultimatum.

I'm thinking: perhaps you should be more patient? Maybe the stressful job is affecting him too much to make such a bit step as exclusive commitment. Maybe he sees you as an oasis away from the stress. Maybe he thinks commitment would take away the "oasis" factor in your relationship. Maybe he thinks it's too much like his job.

I hope you, eventually, get the commitment you desire from the guy.

How

KK and I are in agreement on this, although it would be fair to elaborate a little on the 'ultimatum' issue.

When you give an ultimatum - "Commit or Quit", for example - be prepared for the other person to take the 'Quit' option. After all, the terms of the ultimatum include an escape clause, and a person who is feeling pressured into commitment may be more likely to call off the relationship than to cave in to the first of many ultimatums, if they're smart.

I also hope that you get a commitment from this guy, but unless it originates with him (and not through an implied threat of a break-up), the 'commitment' won't last forever.

Great feedback thank you. Yes I know what you mean about the AS but it does feel very like it. He wasn't irritated by my request of more commitment it felt like he was sad that he couldn't give me an answer.

He is 38 and never been married/children. Yes I think I have created an oasis that has helped him relax with the stress of work.

I suppose when something feels right and then it goes nowhere its difficult to accept. In someways it would be easier if he did just say this is not right. So we can both move on

Suppose another question would be do you think AS have more issues with commitment than NT. Or do you think that its an equal platform an that when you know you know.
I know it when I see it?

I would go with the equal platform.

I think people with ASD's tend to be more honest about their lack of desire for commitment--hence, it might seem to be more common amongst this population.

That is a good explanation.

Could you explain the fog he feels when asked a question about how he feels? What is actually happening ?
I am just comparing it to other relationships where boyfriends have discussed how they feel in more depth. I know he does feel deeply sometimes it feels like he just needs time to reflect but this time it seems like there is no reflection its just blank.

Thanks

I sense that he has difficulty in formulating precisely what he wants to say.

He, quite possibly, has the thoughts, but not the words.

This is actually fairly common amongst males, in my experience.

Perhaps, this particular person is so intent on saying the "right thing"--that it interferes with the communication of his thoughts.

Sometimes, I get "foggy" when I want to explain something to my mother; I tend to do better with my wife, though.

Maybe he is not sure what you mean by commitment? Do you mean marriage, or living together? It is a very vague term. Or maybe he is just happy with the way things are now.

Yes he does find it difficult he has even said that he is shallow an not a deep thinker ( this isn't the case with his work he is a very clever cookie verbally and written words ).
He has said he feels like Jekyll an Hyde sometimes. Wondering if this is because his feelings an words conflict an confuse ? He took a long time to get over his ex girlfriend often talking about her. So I realise that its going to take time for him to be sure.
As far as what kind of commitment I feel that we need to live together as a first step that's all I am asking at moment. I feel that will determine whether it will work long term. I am committed to together forever because that's what I am looking for an he knows this. He also knows that it doesn't have to be marriage.

Living together is a big step. I would say it's just about equal to marriage as far as the "commitment continuum" is concerned. The only difference, really, is the marriage license. Legally, "living together" frequently has the same impact as marriage.

If he doesn't want a commitment, I am CERTAIN that he wouldn't consent to you guys living together.

Interesting you seem certain. Do you feel that's because he just doesn't want to commit to me or commit to anyone ?
I can't have children an he says he doesn't want any so there would be no change there. I spend a lot of time with him anyway.
What would u think would be the kind of questions I need to ask to try to resolve this ? I feel like if I wait around one day he will just find someone else he says he loves me and is that not enough.
What is the big problem with commitment I don't understand why you wouldn't want it in your life.
Thanks

Commitment, to some people, equals a loss of autonomy.

It doesn't have to be so; but, in "real life," commitment sometimes means that. I sense this is so with this guy.

This is classic, really....The woman who wants commitment from a guy--the guy who is reluctant to commit.

This is not meant as a criticism of either gender whatsoever--it's just what I've observed over my life.

How much of a "commitment" do you want? I think you stated you wanted to live with him, which is a very high level of commitment.

Ask him if he's willing to be exclusive--in the sense that he will only make love to YOU, AND NO ONE ELSE. If he says YES, then I think you've got him (provided, of course, that he is actually telling you the truth).

If he says YES to an exclusive relationship, I would hold off on introducing more stringent commitment manifestations. It's hard for a person to lose one's autonomy.

Jajaboo, why aren't you having this conversation with him?

I have had these conversations with him an yes we are exclusive. I suppose that's not so important which might sound odd but its more about him being one of my best friends an I want to keep it that way. To me that means working together as a team and growing old together in life.

His work is tough at the moment so we have agreed to talk about it again in a few months. I feel that for us to go forward he needs to get a diagnosis because he talks about coming to terms with being aspergic but as u say he may not be.
I feel if this is clearer for him it may help him to understand himself more. I am learning more through reading everyones posts