Sooooo Annoyed/Iritated/Angry

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I am so irritated right now, I want to scream....

My afternoon after work was, spending 2 hours waiting for my daughter to get her hair styled/dyed, etc. As soon as I get home, I have to go pick up my other daughter's friend, so she can stay the night, after that, run to Costco, because we ran out of dog food, need to feed the dogs. Delayed dinner later than usual, kids had snacked.

My wife txt's me, that she is on her way home (she actually got out on time, a rarity), she is a nurse, and works 12 hour shifts, so she is usually tired, and with several shifts coming up in a row, will likely want to rest.

Me: and we have not had dinner yet
Her: I'm coming, you can wait or not, it's all good
Me: We'll wait
her: k
Me: Going to Costco real quick, kids at home (I have teenagers in the house)
(she gets home before I do, not sure if she has discussed dinner with the kiddos)
Her: Do I get dressed? or No?
Me: Up to you, on my way back... Do you feel like going out and with or without kids?

(At this point, I start driving home, my response was an immediate reply to her, I am just trying to clarify what her intent is, or if she feels like going out. I work from home, so I am ALWAYS ready to leave the house, and she knows that, because I say it almost any day, and find any excuse to leave the house).

Her: I don't care. You don't seem to care either way, I won't make the effort. Should just got them a pizza if you wanted us to go out... too late now

I get home, and she is acting pissy and rude with me, like I didn't want to go out to dinner with her.

Can anyone tell me, in any way, how I was not making the effort. I asked very clear clarifying questions, so that, if she wanted to go out. I had no way of knowing if her and the kids had/were making plans to go out, which we have done as well. Oh, and by the way, I get home, go get kids takeout from one place, then go out and get HER dinner from somewhere else.. my appetite is ruined at this point.

Now I am going to be in a sh***y mood all night, I hate this. I am generally in a good mood until someone treats me like this, then I have a hard time getting over it. I don't even want to be in the same room with her, I am so irritated now.

Thoughts?

Seems like you want to come to a mutual decision

She wants you to take control

I think she's upset that you didn't care whether she made an effort to dress up to go out. Dressing nice for someone else is part of sexual attraction stuff. Sounds like she took it that you didn't care if she looked nice or not and then that in her head equals you "don't love me, you don't find me attractive anymore". I don't think this was really a conversation about food.

People are complicated. She wanted you to say, yes lets have a nice night out, bu because you didn't she's disappointed and hurt and thinks you don't want to spend time with her.

However, it's never certain. Another woman would have been like, I'm not a piece of meat I don't have to dress up nice to be attractive. So it's a catch 22 situation. Depends on what kind of person your wife is.

It could be that she was too tired to think and wanted someone else to make the decisions.

Sometimes people are just in pissy moods. Maybe she had a long day which you didn't know about at the time b/c she had just gotten out of work and you hadn't seen her yet and she wasn't going to tell about her whole day via text.

It sounds like she had a need that wasn't met that you didn't know about. I'm not saying it is your fault that you didn't know, because she may not have communicated it yet or may have assumed you could read her mind. Before the needs could get communicated and met appropriately, conflict happened.

It's best to overlook your wife's attitude and try to make the evening soothing for her. Does she need some cuddle time on the couch watching a movie? Does she need to go out? In the evening, coffee and dessert make a nice date and time to chat sans kids.

The "correct" response to your wife/gf asking if you'd like to go out for dinner is, "Of course my love, I would like nothing more than to spend some time with you alone."

The question was literally about dinner but the subtext of her question was whether you want to spend time with her.

She was playing passive-aggressive mind games with you so that you would screw up and she would then feel justified in taking her work-day frustrations out on you without simply 'dumping' on you once you got home.

Its like playing minesweeper but without the helpful numbered clues

Just wanted to add a few comments to your responses (thanks),

1.) Wanting me to take control... unlikely, she rarely likes when I choose things, though she gives me the illusion of it sometimes, then complains that she doesn't like it.

2.) Getting changed, literally just meant getting out of scrubs, and getting into plain clothes, instead of PJ's. I won't go to dinner with her in the scrubs, grosses me out (and her most of the time).

The last time I tried to take control and wanted to take her to a restaurant she likes , but she didn't want to go for various reasons, including
1.) We have to eat somewhere close to the house
2.) Refuses to wait even 5-10 minutes for a table
3.) Costs to much
... etc.

I don't think its me just missing queues, I think she is being difficult in general... and I think its getting to her that I no longer tolerate playing these games (before, I didn't realize I was in them)

I'd be annoyed and angry too. It sounds like she's not sure what she wants from you and you're just trying to make her happy. She's just taking her frustrations out on you, that doesn't sound fair to me.