I am a NT who had been dating an Aspie for almost 6 years. Communication has always been an issue in our relationship.
My ex broke up with me a few months ago. He gave me many reasons including not knowing who he was and not wanting to have to consider me and our pets in his decision making. This came as a complete shock to me, I thought our relationship was on an upswing. Since then it's been an emotional roller coaster, but I've done my best to respect his wishes to give him space (only breaking down about 4 times and contacting him).
We lived together, and since the breakup he was living with several friends. He initiated no contact with me without letting me know.
A few weeks after the breakup, I asked him to meet me for coffee so I could discuss a letter I wrote to him. I essentially said we could stay together and start a new relationship (& I outlined all my issues and how I would or already have started fixing them) or one of us would move out and we would not speak anymore for both our sakes.
After I met with him and gave him this letter less than a week later he texted me something implying he had slept with someone else. I called him very upset and asked him to leave my life for good, all he said was he didn't mean to send that to me.
We split all expenses 50/50, but after the breakup he kept dodging me a lot when it came time to pay rent/bills. My parents finally had to get involved to communicate my messages to him and essentially ask him to move out of our shared rental, only paying for what was owed currently. He spoke with them and said he would find a place soon.
A few weeks later, we met for coffee to discuss bills, but when I came all he wanted to talk about was my new body art and updates about my life. He asked if he could come get his stuff from the house (he's never done this before, he usually just came whenever). We talked a bit, he lingered at the house and got his stuff and left.
Flashforward to move out day. He took most of his stuff on his 2nd trip but still left some items. He came back and we ended up talking for several hours about the breakup. He started by saying he thought our relationship ran its course. I gave my opinion and said that I was willing to work on things and that we were a good match, but perhaps at a bad point in our lives. I asked him if he just didn't feel like working on the relationship and he admitted that. He told me that the reason for our breakup was being afraid of telling me things and my insecurities.
I let him know how he confused me a lot and I didn't know what to make of our coffee meeting, being so inquisitive about my life, and also never responding to my letter. With the letter, he said he still didn't know what he wanted. He said the breakup has been difficult for him and that he wants to at least know some things about my life. I told him he is not allowed to have me in his life as a friend and that he needs to be respectful of my feelings. I told him other guys have been trying to date me but I'm not interested as I'm interested in him. He told me he hadn't been dating. I confronted him about the hookup text, he said that nothing happened. He also said he didn't believe in cheating or hooking up.
He then told me he would always care about me and always love me. We hugged for a long while. Later on in our conversation he told me he would want to date me again but he knows my "policy". Apparently during our breakup I had said I never date exes (not necessarily true...I was just hurt and reacting honestly). I told him that I didn't mean that.
Our conversation was friendly and flirty and he was actually almost late for work because he forgot about the time. When he left he told me he may come back and walk our dog the following day and that he would make sure to come when I wasn't around. He still hadn't given both keys back, nor had he signed the paper to get off the lease.
I texted the following morning and told him he can just come when convenient, it was OK if I was there. He never responded. He came to the house while I was gone, but still left some items and hadn't signed the papers or returned the keys. I called him to ask if he was able to walk the dog and asked him when he could come sign the papers. He offered to the following day but that didn't work for me, he then offered next week. I felt that was too far away. I offered to come to his work and sign there, he said no.
I also asked him something I wasn't ready to hear the answer to. I asked if he had feelings for any other women, to which he replied I'm not sure. I got very upset and couldn't handle the response and asked him to come over and get his stuff and finalize everything. He angrily asked me why and I said I felt I couldn't trust him and it would just be best. He was furious and hung up on me. He came over and was very upset, demanded his few items left back and tried to only give me one key. This was not the deal, I wanted the other key back and he said he couldn't get it. We argued, he was screaming at me getting very angry about the whole I couldn't trust him bit. I expressed that I felt he was leading me on and keeping me on the back burner, he denied it. He brought up that I was dating other guys, I informed him that wasn't true. He told me he didn't mean he wanted to date me right now. He said he's been trying to be as gentle as possible with this whole situation. I had him sign the papers. He left, still leaving behind his items.
I was very unhappy with the way this went, I e-mailed him later that night apologizing for my behavior and also explaining why I don't trust him. He apologized to me as well.
I'm having a challenging time differentiating between what's truth and what he thinks I want to hear...
Should I just walk away? Was he trying to reconcile or merely trying to spare my feelings?
I would like to try with him again but have already put myself out there and don't want to be persistent if that's not what he wants. I understand that all people are individuals, but it would be great to get the perspective from other people with Asperger's Syndrome.
07 Apr 2015, 1:30 am
