it isn't an argument- communication problems with boyfriend

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I just... don't know how to get things straightened out sometimes. He's very sensitive, I am very sensitive, and neither of us know when the other one is going to be upset from something. On top of that, anything that I try to talk about in order to come to an understanding, he considers arguing, and says that I'm just trying to make him feel bad or seem stupid. I'm not trying to do that at all. I would never want to make him feel anything but happy and loved.

He basically wants to avoid every bit of communication that is needed for us to get on the same page of understanding about anything, just because he'll get upset when.... basically he realizes the reality of the situation, or... I don't really know why he gets upset, and he gives up on trying to explain to me stuff like that sometimes. I wish he wouldn't give up on me. I always try to explain, but he never wants to. I tell him that we need to explain everything because otherwise we won't know, but he just says it's all arguing and that he doesn't want to argue.

Sometimes he gets so upset with me for not understanding why he's distressed or goes on about how it's all my fault that we're on a topic that he doesn't like, and he yells at me. He says that he doesn't notice when he's yelling, but then he got mad at me when I told him what yelling was. He always says that I'm talking to him like he's an idiot. I don't think he's an idiot, and I don't think I address him as such. If he knows what yelling is, then it doesn't make sense for him to yell at me and then say "I wasn't yelling." He said that I can tell him when he is yelling, but I can't tell him what yelling is.. I wouldn't need to tell him when he is yelling if he knew what yelling sounded like.

He says that I make him seem stupid, but that makes me feel like he is calling me stupid because I'm just doing what I need to do to understand what's going on. Sometimes I say, "I told you this would happen.. I told you," when he gets very upset with me, and he says that I didn't tell him anything like it. I told him that I have autism spectrum disorder, and I told him that there were going to be a lot of situations in which there would be misunderstandings and different views of things and that I just have to talk through it step by step to try to get on the same page and that for some things it would be impossible to get on the same page and we'd just have to realize what we disagree on and accept it. I really don't like just accepting it because when that happens, it usually means that everyone thinks I'm the wrong one just because I'm autistic. It happens anyway however.

He is very, very sweet, and I feel like I have an idea of why he avoids this kind of thing. He aggressively disagreed with me when I brought it up, but I feel like it could contribute. His parents fought and fight a lot, so much to the point where he's had to yell at them to stop. I think he doesn't want anything even remotely similar to that to happen with us, but that's not what happens with us- at all. We don't fight. We aren't little children or people who act like them. We have discussions where I try to understand what he is thinking and why, discussions where I explain what I am thinking and why, and discussions comparing the two. We don't have discussions where he tries to understand what I am thinking. We don't have discussions where he ever actually gets to the point of what makes him think/feel something. It's not all his fault though. It's definitely partially his fault because he never wants to try to communicate important things with me, as he passes anything he doesn't want to talk about as me starting an "argument," but it is also the fault of the neurological difference between us that will forever be there.

I'm not saying that nothing is ever my fault ever.There are some times when I haven't given up and just accepted that there is a misunderstanding and left it when trying to understand him, but only because I love him and want to help, but he doesn't want my help. He said that I have a "f****d up way of helping."

Do not mistake me from the content of this post, for my boyfriend is a very, very sweet person. He makes me feel happy and loved every single day, and we do have many things in common. I feel closer to him that anybody, even though I am still distant from many in particular ways. I could go on, and on, and on about what a great boyfriend he really is. I am extremely glad to be with him. I have the same communication issues with everybody; it just stands out the most with him since I care about him so, so much. I want to feel even closer to him, but I wonder if I can ever be connected to someone in that way. I am extremely connected to my boyfriend, it's just.. with perspective and reasoning where we are not together.

I just have a way of making people really.. really unhappy sometimes. I don't know what to do to get him to just not give up and to stop blaming me saying that I "always want to start an argument."