Dating an Aspie Female. Need advice

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To summarize, I was going on dates with a 24 year old female (whom has a lot of aspie traits). Also found out later she hadn't been in serious relationships and was a virgin. When we'd kiss, I could tell she really likes me. It seemed like kissing or being intimate was a way to connect with her since she can't express her feelings in words. The only thing she'd tell me is that she likes me. She's terrified of commitment and overthinks everything. She ended it because she thought it was a red flag that she wasn't ready to commit after 2 months of going on dates. She also said she wants to figure out her career/life and that I'm not a priority. It really hurt and felt like she was pushing me away. She said she cares about me and likes me.

I'm not sure if it's over for good or if this is just a break. She seems very confused and stressed/anxiety. I'm afraid of losing her. I waited a week and asked if she'd be willing to hang out as friends next weekend. She said she felt irritated and frustrated after leaving my apartment (when she broke things off) and she needed more time.

1) I'm not sure if she knows she may have aspergers. She mentions that she's weird and different. She has many many traits. However, many women go undiagnosed. I'm not sure if/how to bring it up or find out.
2) I don't want to lose her.. I'm scared of giving her space and not seeing her again.
3) I feel that emotions confuse her and she doesn't fully understand hers or other people's emotions.

I'm not sure what to do. Advice? We honestly had something good going and it seems to me like fear and thoughts are playing mind games with her. She still kissed me even when she came over to end it. I'm not sure what to say or do. I want to tell her how I feel, but I'm worried it'll scare her or push her away.

First thing's first:

From what you say, she does not have a diagnosis, correct?

Thus it's only your own speculation that she may be on the autism spectrum.

It also may be that she actually is not -- or that she has been diagnosed but chooses not to disclose.

Whatever the case may be, it's probably best to not even think about whether or not she is an "aspie," because it kind of doesn't matter either way.

You have to deal with her from the point of view of whatever kind of person she is individually, the way anyone deals with anyone. I don't think aspieness is anything to do with this as much as just normal dating problems when one person maybe isn't wanting the same things. That happens even for other people, not just spectrum people.

Just listen to what she's saying about the situation and how she feels, and be directed by that. Believe her when she tells you what she wants -- she mentioned wanting to focus on her future right now. You must respect that.

She might simply just not be ready for a greater commitment than to be friends, hang out or date casually, or even not any of those things right now -- or she might just not be feeling that compatible with you. These things happen even when nobody is on the autism spectrum.

Don't focus so much on if she has Aspergers, instead just give her the space she's asking for. This just sounds to me like two people who are not quite on the same page about whether they want this to become a relationship, and that is a universal thing that comes up when you date.

I agree with bird in flight. I was diagnosed a long time ago, but I don't tell people. Mainly because I don't identify with the label and I don't find it useful being seen as an aspie. Think it's best just to treat her like an NT for now.

While I agree with that... her traits all stand out in hindsight. She knows she's different.

Alexithymia, she doesn't understand her feelings/emotions. Nor does it seem like she understands other people's.
She's very sensitive and has immense fear.
She thinks and over thinks, she doesn't seem to be in touch with her gut/intuition. This causes her bad anxiety.
She lacks much facial expression. Very rigid body language, doesn't move around a lot.
She keeps herself in this small bubble and doesn't really put herself out there.
She seems to get sensory overload in certain situations and abruptly tells me she has to leave.
It seems like she lacks empathy, essentially being able to understand how I feel. She doesn't really ever consider my feelings, she does what she thinks is right.

There's probably more, but those are basic things that I noticed.

I just want some hope that if I give her space, she may come back. I mean our relationship was great. We never fought, we had a lot of chemistry. When we'd kiss it was perfect. We got along so well. Maybe that scared her a bit. She said it takes herself a long time to get comfortable with someone.

Oh to add, she requires a lot of alone time. I typically wouldn't text her much during the week, and I'd end up seeing her for 3-5 hours on the weekend.

Whether or not she has Asperger's really is irrelevant. You dated for a couple of months, then she ended the relationship. Despite your saying that she's not good at expressing her feelings in words, she has used her words to tell you that she doesn't see the relationship going anywhere, that her main focus is her own life and future, and that you are not a priority to her. She has also told you that she doesn't want to see you again anytime soon and has told you why that is.

Sorry, but this relationship is over. Best thing you can do is accept that.

Yes, exactly what I'm thinking also.

The Asperger's is irrelevant -- it seems clear that this girl has stated her wishes.

Completely disagree. She pretty much ended it out of fear of commitment.

Maybe so. You care about her and she's afraid of you, can you step back and give her room so she becomes less afraid?

If that's so, well that's not exclusive to aspies either -- many people do this, even neurotypical people. Fear of commitment is a fairly widespread human occurence in relationships. You don't have to have Asperger's to have/do that. Which is why we are suggesting the Asperger's part of this situation is not really even relevant. Anyone can have fear of commitment issues.

You do need to give her the space she has asked for. And if she doesn't come back to you/reestablish contact, you have to let this one go.

I'm a woman who has had a man do this to me, and I learned the hard way you just have to let a person go if they want to go.

I too agonized over details like why, and puzzled over the fact that we had such a good thing going etc. You can get caught up in feeling that the other person's decision to withdraw from pursuing a relationship with you is a mistake they're making, or is part of an emotional problem they have and thus a mistake there too, or even "Is this only because they seem to have Asperger's?"

I too have made all kinds of excuses to myself as to why a person I was dating faded away, rejected me or gave me the runaround/asked for space.

One seeks answers in order to rationalize that if only the person were to address their "issue" then they would see the light and realize you are what they need, and they can now stop being silly and be with you again. Every heartbroken, hurt or rejected person has done that at some point in their dating lives.

What I've learned from looking back at things like this, is that I was the mistaken one. That person was "just not that into me." Sometimes it is as simple as that, but at the time we don't want to think that, so we rationalize that the other party just doesn't know what they want or something about them is preventing them from thinking clearly (like your girl's possible AS).

You just have to let things be what they are and if she contacts you, good, but if not, just chalk this one up to something that didn't work out. Truly, when someone seems the perfect fit for you but they are backing off, you have to wonder if that's the right one after all. The right one for you is the one that is onboard with you.

Sorry this was a long post, and I don't want to sound harsh. She may be into you and will be seeing you again after all, for all I know. I just don't want you to agonize over someone that may equally well be walking away, because I've learned from my own times of agonizing and trying to find a reason why or something that I could fix in them, that the other person just truly wanted me to let them go.

She still admits that she cares about me and likes me. It seems like she's scared and is pushing away due to that and overall anxiety. She also kissed me when she saw me last, even during the break up, and when she left. Her actions are giving mixed signals. So I'm going to give space, but I don't feel that it's over.

I also have a question: WHY would anybody be afraid of commitment? My #1 criterion for a boyfriend is that I would be able to commit to him for the long term.

Here's my advise. If she calls you, talk to her and ask her how she's doing. Don't mention anything about the relationship. Put all your attention on her and take a general interest on whats going on in her life. Comfort her and tell her you hope everything works out for her. After you hangout, do everything you can to take your mind off of her. Go and talk to other women if they come a long and keep her on the back burner so to speak. This way you're not fully committing and you're not putting your life on hold waiting for her; while at the same time you're still giving her the opportunity to come back if she chooses to.

Ask her if she's ok with a FWB relationship.

Usually, when a woman ends a relationship because of some stupid excuses like those, then it means she's not that much in love with you, if any.

I believe it is influenced a lot by the relationship of their parents, if it was a bad one it will leave a negative impression on them of relationships in general.

I can relate to op that it is hard to understand what goes on through their mind and what to expect or do.

Yeah her parents have fought a lot in her life and they're still together. They don't seem to get along that well and have differing expectations for each other.