Why **Love & Sex** Are Just Too Dangerous For Some Aspies

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If you’re a guy who can relate to this in any way then by all means chime in, tell me about your story or advise me.
Women’s comments, questions or advice is still welcome too. I apologize for the length of this otherwise abridged article/question.

To me, looking through an online dating catalog of women is almost as pointless as looking at a porno site, you’re looking at things you can never have and are partially conflicted about wanting in the first place. You look at each profile and it might as well be a fantasy to hope for anything and this is part of the danger, especially when you see someone so perfect physically or in terms of having many shared interests.
I’m still in many ways a 17yr old or younger in my mind even though parts of it are adult. I can’t really laugh or joke with someone or even do general banter (unless there’s a specific subject to discuss).
If you imagine a much less annoying Sheldon cooper (from big bang theory, because like him I have aspergers) in a realistic world where the likes of Penny is naturally never gonna associate with the likes of him and his group of friends, then in some ways (not all) I’d kinda resemble his perceived awkwardness around women and it’d also be similar to his relationship with his girlfriend Amy (though I have additional problems he does not).
I just want and need the feelings to go away (the romantic and the sexual), I need the pressure taken off of me to have what I do not have and want what I’m lead to believe (in a biological and instinctive way I guess) that I need. This all escalated in the face of the coming of so many irreversible problems and so long as it remains, so too does the dependence, but if the feelings were removed then so would the partially correct assumption it’d bring the happiness it never could (not even if I did get a girlfriend I actually considered to be good looking, even though in many ways it would make things better for the time being). I need to stop wanting people to care enough to want to try and advise or offer sympathy or to even criticize me for not wanting a relationship (I don’t get this often, but I liked it and I shouldn’t have, so now I’m practically asking for it in my mind even though overall understandably almost no-none really cares).
Trying for a girlfriend (through the more likely but never the less impossible means of online dating over anything face to face) is just cruel towards me and makes me lose my self-respect when I’m immediately or eventually rejected (through all those annoying delays and various other things you'll get once those few have responded to you) and more seriously it contributes slightly to my ongoing anxiety and on/off depression (a few years ago it triggered a horrible break-down in which seeing the temptations and starting to feel dependence on them caused me to to abandon my recently ordered food in McDonalds and run out of the town-center to the nearest private place, a field, to collapse for 20mins and burst into tears).
I mustn’t be allowed to purposely look at or feel anything for a girls (breasts, thighs, butt etc) nor acknowledge any beauty in her face or imagine anything happening with her and most importantly I need to not to have a problem with this nor with knowing that a girl will never truely care about me (just like it used to be, except it was encouraged by myself back then and wasn’t a requirement as it seems to be now). Love and any sexual feelings are just dangerous for me (always have been, not that I always realised) but these days my willpower isn’t enough because of this irreversible situation I’m in as of these last 4 or so years (too long to go into). It’s annoying that your own so-called natural feelings/tendencies could create such a problem for you, especially as I’ve been in conflict with love/sexual feelings since I was a child (though normally I managed to reject and suppress romantic tendencies).

I’ve deleted my online dating profile and with it all current contacts I was partially engaged in conversations with and any further unattainable temptation. My internet content filter has been reactivated along with the additional custom blocks I’d previously had in place. Henceforth I’ll ensure I go back (when chance unfortunately presents itself) to no longer trying to socialize with any women and all communication is either on a professional or polite response basis only (so basically there’ll be no joking around with any of them or complimenting them etc in my day to day job and I’ll try once more rejoicing in being seemingly socially unresponsive/awkward rather than trying to engage with them (used to be this way prior to about 4yrs ago, but no effort was required).
The problems I’m gonna face however is seeing them on a daily basis (I basically work/call on a variety of supermarkets around the county where I’ll see plenty of women of all desirable shapes and sizes all the time, couples engaging with one and other and also the fact that I work around magazines a lot (avoiding looking at the lads mags is easy, but there’s too many womens mags dealing with 'bodies' and relationships) and finally there's fiction (soap operas and films all portraying these situations I finally understand why I could never be a part of, the one’s that give that false hope and the very scenarios to base your pathetic fantasies around). This is why I need to be made or assisted in becoming emotionally unreceptive to them because the temptation is always going to be there in front of me and after time I almost forget what I’m supposed to do or not do and potentially fall into this trap of trying once again (or sometimes the temptation might just be too much even when I don't forget). There’s a lot more that I should’ve written down when I was thinking for the first time about it, but basically what I need is help from the councillor and any guys who can just relate to this or anyone with any advice, but moreover I need to try and go about getting ‘anaphrodisiacs’ (basically for the uninformed, these are the kinda drugs/tablets that kill the libido and could perhaps prevent me from thinking and feeling about these things so that I can avoid more shame, humiliation, anxiety and potential depression). This’ll ultimately stop me from deluding myself into thinking that if I stop this, try that, ask for this etc that there’s somehow a way I can defy my preset limitations and that women will abandon their rightful (if somewhat harsh) standards to accept me as their otherwise pitiful excuse for a boyfriend.

I think on the rare occasions anyone innocently asks if I’m married, have a girlfriend or kids (without somehow realizing that it should really be a self-explanatory- of course not!, before actually asking this) that I’ll just answer with- “sadly no, I’ve got aspergers syndrome so that’s not possible” (most don’t even know what aspergers is, so it’s likely this’d be accepted without question anyway). This is in spite of the fact that some or many guys with aspergers have managed to get relationships, and without online dating for some too (how I don’t know, but I think aspergers is such a broad range of symptoms compared to so many other medical conditions that I’m just one such rarer variation of something which otherwise need not be thought of as a negative). Though I shouldn’t and don’t think of my many shortcomings as a bad thing, aspie guys who didn’t have to settle for someone ugly with lower standards, or get a girlfriend out of pity or lie to get them etc, should feel very pleased with themselves and happy they’re not as incapable as me.

What is "dangerous" to you about love or sex? It sounds like you're saying they are unattainable. What is the part which is dangerous?

While you are already on the route of ignoring girls, you could do a little better by changing your approach. Keep out of online dating (it's totally useless), and start observing girls instead of trying to make contact with them. Don't give them compliments, don't ask them for a date, and don't ask them out either (you are already on that route anyway). Then start noticing if they stim, if their natural communication fits with yours (especially in regards to eye contact). Once you have figured out how to spot the neurodiverse girl, you can use your natural way of getting to know her instead, which will increase your chances and it probably won't give you depression or more rejections.

I am really sorry you are hurting so much. That really, really sucks.

I don't think it's a great long term solution, but many antidepressants kill your sex drive.

What about, while still putting all of this on hold, you find groups of people that relate to your interests? If there so happens to be girls there, one day when you aren't on hold anymore, maybe there could be something for the future?

Again, I'm really really sorry. I have an inkling what it feels like to be lonely...only an inkling compared to what you've described...and it's awful. I'm very sorry.

I don't like going out of my house. women tend to be everywhere. its depressing. I really hate malls, stores, restaurants, theaters. etc. so I don't get to eat out much. I try to go to food stores when most people would be working.
I don't want to cry in public.

You are being way to hard on yourself. The way you feel about women is completely normal. It is OK to want them and fantasize and be upset if you can't have some of them. I think you may be feeling a lot of pressure from society to have a girlfriend or have sex with women. It is OK to be single and it is OK to wait a while to have sex. The way the media and internet and porn portray relationships between men and women is probably not the best way we should go about doing things in my opinion. You should't try to force anything. You can and WILL find someone someday. You will NOT find them by looking in the wrong places though. The women you say that are unattainable are not unattainable because of their looks. They are most probably unattainable because you are not compatible with them. Just relax a bit. Learn to start conversations with women without trying to date them. Learn how to be friends with them. Learn how to look at women (no matter how good looking they are) as just regular people. This will eliminate anxiety. Try focusing on meeting women as people and not potential partners. This can help you tremendously. The friend-zone is frowned upon by many men but I promise you it has its benefits. Women friends can help you find women partners. You have to be yourself! No lies! This will weed out the ones that are not compatible. You want someone to want you. Not someone you are trying to be.

sex drive low libido. what is this the brain activity that ignites the fantasy? some women out there are ugly as sin. you wanna sleep with the angel that is not afraid of you. make it like that. you know whats funny the women are actually men in disguise. alot of guys act like women. whos to say you are talking to a female? that is really up to you. yes dating sites are all scams. consumer reports are on the website. so make it that way.

You say you've given up. That trying to find love is so hopeless and painful that you've decided to stop trying.

Your life, your call. But why are you complaining about your SELF-SELECTED decision to give up on girls? Is it that you want us to tell you to keep going and not give up?

Your life, your call. Either un-give-up or stop asking for encouragement in this weirdly backhanded way.

To paraphrase Yoda. You do or you don't. There's no try.