I am a sixteen-year old girl. At fourteen, almost two years ago, I happened upon the tumblr account of a young woman, then twenty-two. I have, being on the AS, profound social anxiety and lack the ability to attract friendship, on or offline, but something about this woman was so easy to talk to. We RPed often, and I looked to her for guidance. She was my mentor, and later, friend.
It was my fifteenth birthday when I began to identify a "squish" or "girl crush" on her, and giggled about it like any plain crush. This woman was special: sweet, understanding, and patient. She was a terrific author and rarely lost her temper, though I was a brat sometimes. I saw her flaws, too, but she was a good person, and I didn't care.
At some point, I considered that I might have felt something more for this woman. I felt elated at every message. I talked about her incessantly. I conjured an image of her in my head, that I kissed and cuddled. I imagined marrying her, though I don't want to get married. I imagined our life, our fights, our failures, our successes, and how I wanted it with her. I talked to her every day, laughing and crying, making up and reassuring her.
If you're afraid of how this story will end, it is bittersweet. I, with my parents' permission, did make plans to meet her, and we did follow through. She was just who she said she was, a young woman, harmless and sweet as always. She was caring, and although she looked and sounded a little odd, (not to mention that she has ASD, too), I didn't and don't care. I would still marry her.
Now, the "bitter" part is brief. While I'm not concerned about her looks, (she's cute in her own way), her personality is a little worse off. She has a set of beliefs she "just thinks", with no evidence to back up, and while she supposedly has a high IQ, her conversation is often repetitive. Oh, and she's straight. In short, she's not the best at verbal reassurance, not reciprocating, and I'm falling out of love with her.
If I was in love to begin with... Was I...?
22 Jun 2015, 10:01 pm
