Ashamed of my feelings

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So last year I fell hard for someone who I knew I was never going to have a chance with and, quite honestly, I didn't want to have feeling for. I still kind of feel something for them, but its complicated. All I can say is that this person continues to cause a lot of conflicting feelings for me.

The thing is that I personally hate sentimentality and the notion of romantic love. I'm happy for other people who feel that way about each other, but personally I feel like it's a bunch of crap. I don't see the point in wanting to be in love or pining away for somebody. I really hate how western culture likes to treat being obsessively in love with someone like it's the most noble and beautiful thing on the planet. To me, the whole idea seems needy and overly dependent.

That isn't to say that I don't believe that people can feel profound love for a spouse. I just think that, realistically, relationships are about trial and error, not "true love" or such nonsense.

So I suppose you're wondering why I'm even talking about this? Well, recently it has dawned on me that last year, when I was angsting over this moron, it wasn't the rejection that hurt the most. No - it was the fact that I allowed myself to be vulnerable, especially to somebody who couldn't possibly know how much it would mean to me. It's hard to really explain why, but I hate being vulnerable. I mean, everybody does, but for me it's like a carnal sin. I have always tried to avoid being needy and dependent on an emotional level. I'll spare you the psychoanalytical BS and just say that stoicism and independence is something that was very much instilled in me as a child. That isn't to say that nobody ever comforted me when I was sad or scared, but I've always felt a need to master my emotions.

Romantic love and being emotionally needy is kryptonite for my goals and aspirations in life and I feel strongly compelled to avoid these things in order to reach those goals. And I knew all of the pitfalls of romance; idealizing the other person, projecting your insecurities onto them, ruminating over them, etc. I was very well aware of what not to do when such feelings should arise. But even so, I simply couldn't deny how strongly I felt and how it hurt to feel like this.

I just feel so ashamed to be so vulnerable. I personally love being single and even if I were in a relationship, I would never ever allow myself to lose my independence. But I don't want to feel like I nee it or feel like it should define me in some way. I also don't want it to hurt or hinder me, so I'd rather not be "in love" at all. Last year, I felt so helpless and hurt by the whole thing and I still feel like there was a big emotional cost to it.

I hate these feelings and I'm ashamed that I somehow allowed myself to be so vulnerable and pitiful. I'm so angry that a year has passed and it still hurts.

Does anyone here understand how I feel?

I think I understand.

I valued all those things like being stoic, independent etc. but it seems that I am a fool when it comes to love. If a person only ever shows their guarded self, how could anyone ever love the real person, part of a meaningful relationship/reciprocated love is being vulnerable with another, its a risk with the wrong person, but I believe it has great rewards with the right person.

When I have a crush on someone, I can get pretty foolish. And I don't mind. It's fun sometimes.

I believe in romantic love. I believe in the butterflies in your stomach. And the winking, and the goo-goo eyes, and all that chivalrous stuff. I'm a sucker for a dainty hand.

But there still is a strong side of me which values independence.

I can appreciate what you are saying. For me, it helped to choose to think of myself, like it or not, as a primate. As such I inherently have certain needs for mental, emotional, and even physical attachment to another. In order to avoid unsettling levels of cognitive dissonance, I try to think in terms of acknowledging and consciously finding ways to have those needs met. In this sense, as a rationale and responsible person, it behooves me to choose to make considered efforts to have these needs met in a way that suits me, much as I do my needs for food and shelter.

So, true to my approach to life, I've studied the bejeezus out of this. The works of Harville Hendrix spring readily to mind. In this way I have made some progress in not abandoning my rather intellectual approach to life, but rather allowing my needs for emotional closeness to be met within it.

Sounds like you are upset over a breakup. It can happen to anybody, and nothing to be ashamed of. Best to forget about it and move on.