assertive as an aspie or missing the mark?

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So once again, my wife hurt my feelings but she is the one crying. This pattern of behavior is common in my home; she does something that bothers me and I say so, she keeps doing it and I ask her to stop, I point out that I night not cry or yell but that what is happening really hurts and I need it to stop, then finally it happens enough times that I meltdown. I'm not saying that I have no responsibility in the matter; I know that a meltdown is not a get out of jail free card and I know that it's not the world's job to stop and help me up when I have one. I'm not sure how to change this pattern though. I'm not interested in trying to fake emotional reactions to get her to understand (I doubt I would be properly convincing anyway) when I hurt. I know that my hurt won't always be reasonable; sometimes I really just won't understand or like what's going on but it will still need to go on. Does anyone else have issues like this? My words never work and my meltdowns just cause problems.

What ages are you both approximately? My parents and some other middle aged people I know seem to have this issue. I think you are right about assertiveness, but may also be lack of communication and attention to each other.

32 & 33

It's sometimes not what you say, it's the way that you say it. There is a fine line between being assertive and being rude.

Communication is like playing a game of catch. You can toss the ball gently to the other person to allow them to catch it and toss it back to you or you can hurl it at their head with all your might. Which is more effective?

Have you ever googled How to communicate without blaming?

One of the problems couples can have is that when one person expresses how they feel they say it in a way that blames the other, which gets the other person's hackles up and they immediately go on the defensive. A better way to communicate is to say "I feel like x when you do y because (whatever the reason is) rather than saying, why do you always to x?! or You do x and you need to change it! Don't you know that upsets me!? Don't make the other person feel stupid. Try to explain the situation calmly.

Try to understand the other person's point of view. When you try to understand them they will feel more inclined to try and understand your point of view. Don't enter the conversation with the view that this is a battle that you have to win. This is a conversation, not a fight. Being tactful is not lying. You don't need to fake anything. Just maybe temper the way you communicate your needs.

How to communicate anger without blame

Communicate hurt feelings effectively

Communication Skills for relationships

I'm not sure that's the issue but thanks.