What is Wrong with Me? WHAT THE ****

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JP88
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05 Jul 2015, 1:00 am

Okay. I've figured out something. I don't know what it is but I know something's wrong. For some reason there is something about me that makes the ladies run and the issue is...

I don't know what it is?

So my buddy T was having a cookout today and a bunch of people came. Some I've never met and others I know. Some couples, some single ladies.

Exhibit 1: Anyway my buddy T is close with myself and a couple other guys in our group that was there (M & R). First thing I have noticed is that T's girlfriend does not say a word to me, not even a Hi. But for M & R, they are chummy. I've never done nothing so I have no idea, all I am is friendly like the others and nothing. Now to be fair I don't like her either, but yeah she just never was friendly towards me from the first day T introduced her to us.

Exhibit 2: Same friend T had another friend that works at a restaurant. She's a touch younger than us but when we have gone there and she has waited on us, I'm the last person or the person that she interacts with the least. Before we went there regularly (It's a regular stop for us) only T knew her. Guess who out of the 4 of us wasn't invited to her birthday party???...Hell at this point M, who struggles with girls just like me, but with a little more success, is on the verge of going out with her after not even a year. When she sees our group she hugs almost everyone but myself and only not everyone because sometimes new people come with us.

Exhibit 3: Back to the party, I obviously had no success today. There were I'd say 3 or 4 single girls and it just didn't work out. My friend even tried to jumpstart something by having everyone play a game of kickball. Surely that would "break the ice," but nope only had 1 of those girls on our team and I played outfield while she pitched...so no talking there. And then even the girls who were there with their significant others weren't introduced and never really interacted with anyone.

Basically the party was like this: I arrive, look lost for a minute, eat food and grab a beer just so I'm not standing around doing nothing, finish my food and look for my familiar bros, play kickball, watch friends who bought fireworks set them off.

I mean it just seems like this all the time. Once again, and I'm sure everyone knows this with my history of posts but I do not have 1 girl I can contact on the phone right now. It's just so unbearable right now. I never connect with anyone, I'm never the life of the party, the one that everyone wants to talk to, etc...

But it really PISSES ME OFF when for example my friends GF "can't stand me," but is fine with everyone else. Or in general girls just seeming put off by me before even having an interaction with me.

I MEAN WHAT THE FLYING F COULD IT BE? I really don't see it. Hell I act more normally than most of my friends and some of my friends easily have traits that would make someone dislike them or be annoyed, yet I'm the one that is ignored, is annoying, is odd, is just that person in the background.

If anyone's got something, shoot away. I just want this nightmare to end. Just imagine a life where the only women you talk to regularly is a family member or your own mother.



cathylynn
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05 Jul 2015, 1:17 am

you said you don't like your friend's girlfriend. she probably senses that so gives you a wide berth.



Outrider
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05 Jul 2015, 2:16 am

You do seem to have good social skills and very confident for an aspie, sir.

Maybe you can ask your mates why women don't seem to like you.

They have tried to help you but it looks like it hasn't worked. Just ask them to be honest with you.

Maybe they see stuff you don't.



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05 Jul 2015, 2:44 am

Could be eye contact, or smile (or lack of either), it was what struck me the first. :)


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Crazyfool
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05 Jul 2015, 9:17 am

How do you introduce your self to these ladies that always seem to flee the other direction? How do you look at them, do you just have an empty gaze with out any facial expression, do you stare to long?

All these may seem minor but they're huge in the eyes of a women. Eye contact is important as well as a comforting facial expression. They say women make up their mind if they're willing to sleep with you in less than 60 seconds.... So make that shitt count son.



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05 Jul 2015, 3:34 pm

Care to post a pic of yourself?



tayblast
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05 Jul 2015, 11:43 pm

Hey,

Just because someone doesn't instantly like you doesn't mean that they won't.
Sometimes you just have to try get out of your comfort zone a tiny bit and make the first attempt at contact. (I hate this.) but it has helped me make friends over the years and for that it was worth it.

As a female who always has guys (unwanted) attention, I don't go introduce myself to guys because I'm already overwhelmed. So the problem might not even be you. :)
But try to put yourself forward in the least threatening manner. Good luck. Don't think this will last forever, it won't.



goldfish21
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06 Jul 2015, 12:11 am

JP88 wrote:
I MEAN WHAT THE FLYING F COULD IT BE? I really don't see it. Hell I act more normally than most of my friends and some of my friends easily have traits that would make someone dislike them or be annoyed, yet I'm the one that is ignored, is annoying, is odd, is just that person in the background.

If anyone's got something, shoot away. I just want this nightmare to end. Just imagine a life where the only women you talk to regularly is a family member or your own mother.


Asperger's Syndrome/HFA/ASD. That's what it is. You simply don't give off good social vibes.. and others sense it & avoid you.

I used to have similar social frustrations, with the exception of caring about girls since I'm gay. Anyways, I've since figured out how to treat my AS symptoms via diet, natural medicine, supplements & probiotics. I've minimized the symptoms of everything related and am happier, healthier, wealthier, and literally living a second life for it. If you're interested in reading what I've done feel free to PM me an email address.


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Marky9
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06 Jul 2015, 12:41 am

cathylynn wrote:
you said you don't like your friend's girlfriend. she probably senses that so gives you a wide berth.


Based on my personal experiences, I would suspect this could be part of it.

I had a generally similar situation once. In my case, Person A, the one I didn't like, had a large and loyal squad of friends. So they closed ranks in support of Person A and I was basically blacklisted across the board by all of them.



Vomelche
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07 Jul 2015, 10:49 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Asperger's Syndrome/HFA/ASD. That's what it is. You simply don't give off good social vibes.. and others sense it & avoid you.


This, maybe also combined with low self esteem. You just have to get out there and improve on your social skills. You may have to expand beyond your current group of friends, because you already have a somewhat low reputation (at your age people actually care about such things, and depending what group of people you are with its often a competition for status). This is something you have to do before you get into your thirties, because you won't be seeing as many girls once everyone gets jobs and gets married. The girl that avoids you sounds narcisstic, she might be manipulating you to maintain her status in the group and keep your down. It is likely that she could be spreading negative gossip about you to others, including other girls. It would be better if you can somehow avoid conflict with her, but try to be more friendly.

Another thing is you have to consider who you are compatible with. If some girls are not showing any interest in you at all, then don't waste your time approaching them. You'd have to find someone more understanding.



goofygoobers
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07 Jul 2015, 12:02 pm

JP88 wrote:
Okay. I've figured out something. I don't know what it is but I know something's wrong. For some reason there is something about me that makes the ladies run and the issue is...

I don't know what it is?

So my buddy T was having a cookout today and a bunch of people came. Some I've never met and others I know. Some couples, some single ladies.

Exhibit 1: Anyway my buddy T is close with myself and a couple other guys in our group that was there (M & R). First thing I have noticed is that T's girlfriend does not say a word to me, not even a Hi. But for M & R, they are chummy. I've never done nothing so I have no idea, all I am is friendly like the others and nothing. Now to be fair I don't like her either, but yeah she just never was friendly towards me from the first day T introduced her to us.

Exhibit 2: Same friend T had another friend that works at a restaurant. She's a touch younger than us but when we have gone there and she has waited on us, I'm the last person or the person that she interacts with the least. Before we went there regularly (It's a regular stop for us) only T knew her. Guess who out of the 4 of us wasn't invited to her birthday party???...Hell at this point M, who struggles with girls just like me, but with a little more success, is on the verge of going out with her after not even a year. When she sees our group she hugs almost everyone but myself and only not everyone because sometimes new people come with us.

Exhibit 3: Back to the party, I obviously had no success today. There were I'd say 3 or 4 single girls and it just didn't work out. My friend even tried to jumpstart something by having everyone play a game of kickball. Surely that would "break the ice," but nope only had 1 of those girls on our team and I played outfield while she pitched...so no talking there. And then even the girls who were there with their significant others weren't introduced and never really interacted with anyone.

Basically the party was like this: I arrive, look lost for a minute, eat food and grab a beer just so I'm not standing around doing nothing, finish my food and look for my familiar bros, play kickball, watch friends who bought fireworks set them off.

I mean it just seems like this all the time. Once again, and I'm sure everyone knows this with my history of posts but I do not have 1 girl I can contact on the phone right now. It's just so unbearable right now. I never connect with anyone, I'm never the life of the party, the one that everyone wants to talk to, etc...

But it really PISSES ME OFF when for example my friends GF "can't stand me," but is fine with everyone else. Or in general girls just seeming put off by me before even having an interaction with me.

I MEAN WHAT THE FLYING F COULD IT BE? I really don't see it. Hell I act more normally than most of my friends and some of my friends easily have traits that would make someone dislike them or be annoyed, yet I'm the one that is ignored, is annoying, is odd, is just that person in the background.

If anyone's got something, shoot away. I just want this nightmare to end. Just imagine a life where the only women you talk to regularly is a family member or your own mother.


I deal with this all the time in social gatherings. I'm always the weird one no one wants to be around or talk to.



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08 Jul 2015, 12:13 am

People will avoid/ignore/reject you for multiple reasons.

Here are a few:

1. People are cliquey, and you either don't fit in, or haven't been accepted into the group yet.
2. You are shy, or socially socially akward
3. There's something they don't like about you (whether it's really deserved, or not)
4. They may actually want to talk to you, but they may be afraid to interact with you, because someone else in their group doesn't accept you, or hasn't accepted you yet (see number 1)



CateJayne
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14 Jul 2015, 10:05 pm

JP88 wrote:
Okay. I've figured out something. I don't know what it is but I know something's wrong. For some reason there is something about me that makes the ladies run and the issue is...

I don't know what it is?

So my buddy T was having a cookout today and a bunch of people came. Some I've never met and others I know. Some couples, some single ladies.

Exhibit 1: Anyway my buddy T is close with myself and a couple other guys in our group that was there (M & R). First thing I have noticed is that T's girlfriend does not say a word to me, not even a Hi. But for M & R, they are chummy. I've never done nothing so I have no idea, all I am is friendly like the others and nothing. Now to be fair I don't like her either, but yeah she just never was friendly towards me from the first day T introduced her to us.

Exhibit 2: Same friend T had another friend that works at a restaurant. She's a touch younger than us but when we have gone there and she has waited on us, I'm the last person or the person that she interacts with the least. Before we went there regularly (It's a regular stop for us) only T knew her. Guess who out of the 4 of us wasn't invited to her birthday party???...Hell at this point M, who struggles with girls just like me, but with a little more success, is on the verge of going out with her after not even a year. When she sees our group she hugs almost everyone but myself and only not everyone because sometimes new people come with us.

Exhibit 3: Back to the party, I obviously had no success today. There were I'd say 3 or 4 single girls and it just didn't work out. My friend even tried to jumpstart something by having everyone play a game of kickball. Surely that would "break the ice," but nope only had 1 of those girls on our team and I played outfield while she pitched...so no talking there. And then even the girls who were there with their significant others weren't introduced and never really interacted with anyone.

Basically the party was like this: I arrive, look lost for a minute, eat food and grab a beer just so I'm not standing around doing nothing, finish my food and look for my familiar bros, play kickball, watch friends who bought fireworks set them off.

I mean it just seems like this all the time. Once again, and I'm sure everyone knows this with my history of posts but I do not have 1 girl I can contact on the phone right now. It's just so unbearable right now. I never connect with anyone, I'm never the life of the party, the one that everyone wants to talk to, etc...

But it really PISSES ME OFF when for example my friends GF "can't stand me," but is fine with everyone else. Or in general girls just seeming put off by me before even having an interaction with me.

I MEAN WHAT THE FLYING F COULD IT BE? I really don't see it. Hell I act more normally than most of my friends and some of my friends easily have traits that would make someone dislike them or be annoyed, yet I'm the one that is ignored, is annoying, is odd, is just that person in the background.

If anyone's got something, shoot away. I just want this nightmare to end. Just imagine a life where the only women you talk to regularly is a family member or your own mother.


Given that this happens to you in a variety of different settings with different people suggests that it IS something you're doing, ie you are the common denominator.

My suggestions would be to:

1. Are you SURE you objectively act "more normally" than others? Can you ask your buddy T if this is really, truly the case? Or your mom?

If he's a really, really good friend, you might get an honest answer (and even still, you might get a platitude).

2. Consider if you've been told what you are doing wrong and disregarded it. For example, if you've been told you just stand too close/are too grabby/stare so long it's leering/fail to make eye contact/etc but didn't agree so didn't change your behavior.

3. If you've always lived in the same town and run with the same crowd, it is worth considering if you've done anything that could be perceived as objectively scary to a girl. For example, stalked a girl who told you she wasn't interested in no uncertain terms, bullied somebody mercilessly for years in school, smashed stuff in public when you were angry, physically assaulted anybody, taken advantage of a drunk girl, etc.

A single, truly egregious act may well result in girls giving you a wide berth, indefinitely.

4. Consider losing the PISSED OFF attitude about your friend's GF not liking you. She's entitled to not like you... and obligated only to be civil to you. A gigantic chip on your shoulder is a girl repellant.

5. Finding a meaningful relationship isn't a zero-sum game. Your friend M succeeding socially and being on the brink of dating a girl in your social circle has nothing to do with you!

6. Consider getting short-term, professional help. You're clearly doing something wrong and unable to fix it -- and an objective professional might be able to identify the issue (and help set you up to address it). The occasional GF loathing you on sight is unfortunate but normal. Alienating every single female except your mom? Just isn't.



JP88
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20 Jul 2015, 8:01 pm

In response to Cate:

1. I know I act normal than others. A couple friends act like little kids around others. I'm more serious but I have my fun. Now around girls, I don't think we have talked about that.

3. Nothing's happened to tarnish my reputation or anything. In fact, I've got as clean as a slate as can be because I've never even picked up the paintbrush.

4. I'm mad about that because she was rude to me the first time we met and I hadn't done nothing at all. All I did was say "Hi, nice to meet you." She just didn't like me for some reason but after seeing how she is with my friend, I'm glad I don't associate with her because she's insane.

5. It is significant to me because he has much of the similar issues as I do and it somehow worked with this girl. It's almost like my buddy put us 3 in a cage and she just gravitated towards him. I've done nothing wrong but just not be her type apparently...I don't know.

6. I'm sure I could use help, but I do not alienate females. It's far from that.

Anyway it's just hard for me to figure this out. I really have a hard time with conversations and awkward pauses. It's like I can carry on a convo when I have substance, but starting or ending it is the hardest for me. I really don't get it but my head feels like it goes 100 mph when thinking about girls in general and if it will ever happen for me.