Do we have to settle?

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I've been in a relationship with an NT woman for over 4 years now. I'm fairly happy but there's things about her that I don't like. She smokes, she likes to stretch the truth, she's not intellectual, she has a problem with alcohol. These were not things I realized all at once but now that I do I often pause and think this is not the type of person I pictured myself with.

But then my next thought is I'm no prize either. I'm an aspie with a likely aspie 7 yr old and she puts up with the both of us. All the other women I went out with all but ran away when they got a good feel for what I was like. The feedback I was able to get was essentially aspie downfalls....we weren't on the same wavelength, communication issues, I didn't "get" them, etc.

I don't "get" my girlfriend either and I gather that's a bad thing to NTs, especially NT women, but maybe that's not as critical to NTs with baggage. I figure I need an NT to motivate me and my son, otherwise we'd probably stay home and play video games most the time. She gets us out of the house and doing things. She helps a lot with the household stuff. Maybe I need to just let go of my ideals and be happy with what I have.

have you ever considered Al-Anon, the support group for people who are bothered by someone else's drinking? There will be lots of folks there with practical tips on how to be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

Yes, I believe we DO have to settle! As aspies, sadly, we are just not able to take stress. And there is plenty of
stress in modern life. I have lived both alone and with an NT (sort of like you describe) and the main thing is,
he protects me from undue stress in the form of finances, driving, taking care of the house, etc. Without that help,
I have found that I fall into debt and dishonor. It's the stress. Yes, it's not always fun, so look for satisfaction
in your own creativity and self expression. Take a foreign language, train a dog for agility competition, paint,
take music lessons. Something that rings your bells and that you do alone. That's my take, anyway.

No, you don't have to settle; you do have choices.

I do love her, actually. It's just sometimes she has put me through hell with her drinking. She is not a happy drunk, she is a dark, angry drunk. She's a war veteran and she usually talks about the war and/or picks a fight with me when she's drunk.

She got a good scare back during the holidays. She went to a Christmas party for her work and I took my son and his friend from next door to the movies. She was supposed to go with us but didn't come home in time and wasn't answering her phone. Her sister went looking for her and found her totally smashed in the parking lot of the hotel the party was at. She took her to her house and left her, thinking she'd sleep it off. Well, instead she decided to walk the mile to our house and apparently got clipped by a car on the dark road, from her account. When I arrived home with the boys she was all cut up and bleeding and still drunk. She was upset and not making any sense. I had to take the boys next door and take her to the emergency room.

She has not gotten drunk like that since, so I am hopeful, but she refuses to stop drinking altogether so I don't know if I truly believe episodes like that will ever end entirely. I want to do what's best for my son but I'm not sure what that is. Her family is great, she's the black sheep. I hate the thought of taking him away from them because they're family to him. I just also hate knowing some of things he's experienced because of her.

Have you tried talking about the bad drinking episodes with her? Sometimes you have to communicate your point of view because it can help the situation, this is something we are usually bad at. I think it would be too much to ask her to stop drinking altogether as it is her choice, but you can support her to avoid the bad episodes. If she's not able to control the problem, then you have to decide if its worthwhile to stay.

You don't have to settle for someone that doesn't make you happy.
Equally, you don't need to be with anyone to begin with. There is no requirement other than the one you create for yourself.

I think settling is the wrong idea. If you're with someone who doesn't mesh well with you and isn't going to make you happy if you commit to staying together, it's not a matter of who's worth how much. Relationships aren't weighed solely by points earned via appearance, accomplishments, etc, where anyone who doesn't outrank the other is obligated to stay.