Reversed commitment-seeking behavior

Post Reply New Topic

The somewhat odd-sounding thread title boils down to this: the "reversed" part refers to age. The pesky title length limit didn't let me explain it in full. So I'm explaining here instead. Anyway...

When I was 18, I really wanted a long-term, loving, committed relationship with a girl. Any girl. I was very willing to give her love and commitment, and wanted to be a part of a relationship that she'd be giving me. (Although stopping short of wanting to get married.) Not to mention being willing to give my all to the relationship, similar to John Legend's "'Cause all of me / Loves of all you" lyrics. Sex wasn't even a priority; I was more focused on finding a deep, committed relationship, and figured sex would follow naturally. Playing the field, having casuals sex, and dating lots of girls wasn't even on my mind. It struck me as unnecessary and redundant, not to mention completely unattainable, since I was hideous-looking and didn't have a car. So, a monogamous relationship with one girl felt like something I'd enjoy a whole lot more.

Now, at age 32, I never want to be in a long-term committed relationship, let alone get married. Instead, I want to play the field, date lots of different women (at least those willing to date me, their plain looks be damned), find out which physical types excite me the most, and see where it takes me. I've also become very stingy with how much I'm willing to give to a relationship, to the point of not wanting to spend more than $10 on a first date. Sex has become a very high priority, and I've stopped pursuing women who wouldn't kiss me by the second date. I supplement my dating life by hiring escorts on occasion, which does a tremendously great job of keeping my libido in check. In fact, I realized that the "love" I once desired isn't love at all, but rather humans' evolutionary attraction to good genes. Which I don't have and never will.

And that's where the "reversed" part comes in. Nearly all NT men, and quite a few aspie men, want to play the field and date around when they're young, and settle down when they're older. For me, it was the reverse of that. At age 18, I wanted to settle down with one girl who loved me; at age 32, I want to date around just for fun and have sex with escorts, and settling down is the farthest thing from my mind.

Thoughts?

So no one else had felt the same way? Desire to settle down when young, play the field when older.

In addition to having reversed commitment-seeking behaviors, I also harbored many false beliefs about "love", driven into my head by the numerous teenage sitcoms I watched. For example: once a girl shows interest in me, she'll be interested in me forever. (Possibly a version of soulmates and/or love at first sight, expressed in a way an aspie can understand.)

The last paragraph is ironic, because I dated whoever showed interest in me, regardless of how I feel. In fact, due to lack of girls liking me, I quickly forgot how to understand my own romantic feelings. Now, my "playing the field" consists mainly of hiring escorts, while non-paid women are relegated to friendly hugs, innocent dancing, and go-nowhere dates.

No, not at all. I've always only wanted to be natural which selected-out the majority of women, but still worked. Attachment and love was always the goal, and sex was unimportant. As for commitment, I'd accept it if I was attached enough but not otherwise.

In one respect I might be like you: When I was a teenager I didn't even care about the looks of women, but that changed in the 30s or 40s. But that didn't mean I wanted sex from them.



Of course. You mean it doesn't work like that?

Sounds kinda like a "pre-midlife crisis" of sorts, depending on how good/bad you look.

Probably a good attitude to have nevertheless though, at least for a guy since they tend to age a bit better.

I take it that was sarcasm . But that's what I believed. Avril Lavigne's song "I'm With You" (2002) added fuel to the fire. (The lyrics talk about the author standing alone in the rain, then leaving with a man who "took her by the hand, took her somewhere new".) Plus, I had a rescue complex back then, a common trait of Nice Guys(TM). So a plain-looking girl who's been hurt in the past (she told me) seemed highly appealing to me. Silly me didn't realize that the song was just poetic license, and nowhere close to truth. But I'm older and wiser now, and instead stay away from women who've been hurt too many times.

I look halfway decent now, but at age 18, I was hideous! (Perhaps I aged into my looks?) So I felt like my only option was to settle down with the first girl who liked me. Like many aspies, I was never sure what I really wanted; all I knew is that I wanted to "find a girlfriend". Dating around, playing the field, meeting lots of different girls, etc. seemed so unrealistic, that I quickly put the idea out of my mind, and never revisited it until over a decade later. Discovering escorts at age 22 heavily reduced my desire to settle down at a young age, although outright rejection of all non-platonic relationships didn't start until a few years ago. I'm still cool with having female friends, and enjoy partner dancing with them.