Why are aspies pessimistic about relationships?

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I was wondering why are a lot of aspie men pessimistic about their prospects in a relationships? How can one being non aspie who is interested in an aspie help them see differently so they can have a healthy relationship?

Experience. LOTS of experience.

"A lot" of Aspie men have either had no success in initiating relationships, or the relationships they do manage to get into fall apart catastrophically over and over again no matter how hard they try.

Learn to work miracles.

No, I'm not being sarcastic. It would literally take a miracle to convince "a lot" of Aspie men that: (1) they are worthy of love; (2) that women don't see them as "pervy" or "weird"; and that (3) women are not all sadistic, psychotic, demon-possessed, anthropomorphic canine females on two legs who only want to cackle gleefully while ripping the Aspies' souls to shreds with a seemingly endless stream of insults, put-downs, and overly judgmental critiques of every aspect of the Aspies' psyche, lifestyle, physique, intelligence, and personal hygiene habits.

Other than that, I haven't the vaguest idea.

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Here are a few ideas off the top of my head:
1. Don't presume you're starting a relationship. Suggest an activity you both might enjoy (as acquaintances).
2. Be comfortable sitting together in silence.
3. Don't ask "What are you thinking?"
4. If you want to prompt conversation, questions about something they've experienced ("What did you like about the show?") are easier to answer than abstract questions ("Where do you see yourself in 10 years?").
5. Don't act weirded out if they say something off topic.
6. Don't act weirded out by anything they do. If it's inappropriate, explain your feelings calmly and directly.
7. Don't expect neurotypical romantic gestures. If you want something to happen, say "I'd like it if you did this."

Most of these Aspies missed the easy dating years, when they were still in high school or college, because they took longer to mature socially. Instead, they are trying to date when it is the toughest for any guy--you haven't been working long enough to gain the income/status/maturity to be highly attractive. But, those are also the easiest years for the women, as they have the largest number of potential suitors when they are in their mid 20s.

While their is hope for the future--guys have an easier time as gain income and status--most people aren't used to waiting for things anymore. I talk to people who get upset because someone is on vacation and can't be reached until next week.

Last edited by BTDT on 08 Sep 2016, 4:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

7a. Don't ask "Do you love me?"
7b. Don't ask "Do you still love me?"
7c. Don't ask "Do you really love me?"
7d. Don't ask "How much do you love me?"
7e. Don't ask "Why do you love me?"
7f. Don't ask "Will you still love me when ... ?" or "Would you still love me if ...?"

In other words, never express doubt in his love for you, or he will come to believe that his every effort to SHOW his love for you is wasted. Then he WILL stop trying.

Also, never ask questions like "Do you think that <name of female friend or relative> is pretty?"

The main reason being that your Aspie WILL stop to think of the answer, and may be caught in a dilemma - should he answer the question with absolute truth, or should he "fudge" the truth just enough to make you feel good? Any hesitation on his part will likely be perceived by you as a sign of (1) dishonesty, (2) lack of love, or (3) both.

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@Fnord: "Experience. LOTS of experience." - you took the words right out of my mind, and the rest of your post is beautifully and precisely put.

The majority of women seem to regard their male partners as improvement projects (an idea I read of somewhere else recently).

To be fair, a lot of men could do with improving.

It's a mixture of frustrating mant aspies (regardless of gender) experience, as well as the fact that men have no standards. Bear with me here, I can act weird as f**k and because men think I'm attractive they'd still pursue me even if I was acting erratically. Women though, even aspies like myself, we are more concerned with how people act. For me, if a guy is acting "off" I may feel that he could be a potential threat.

Also they appear to way overvalue romantic and sexual relationships over aspie women. I'm in a happy relationship, but I never felt like my life would be over if I didn't find someone.

Brings me to the idea I've had that despite the idea that women are relationship obsessed it's actually men who are that way. Women seem to fare much better being single than men do.

As for the improvement point, I do that with everyone lol. I generally want to make people happier to I improve them. I've improved pretty much all my friends and people I've dated.

From what I've seen on WP, male aspies seem to value the idea of a relationship far more than women do, to the point where they become obsessed by the fact they don't have one, and dwelling on the fact lowers their self esteem. I haven't seen as many women acting cut-up about being dateless. Possibly this is social; men define themselves by their success with the opposite sex, so not having this success makes their life and their identity seem incomplete? That's a generalisation, but you get my point.

I've been told a few times that females with autism are more successful at dating because NT men appreciate their directness, whereas males with autism fare less well because NT women do not like to be spoken to too directly. I don't know if this is true; in my experience a lot of guys are into your looks before they even know your personality lol.

It is also possible though, as lidsmichelle says, that ND girls do better because guys will put up with more in exchange for sex. Cracked.com did an article where they created a dating profile of an awful (but hot) woman, and she still got inundated with messages (even as a nazi sympathiser). I have seen men on WP describe looking for a girlfriend with just the most basic requirements; they don't even need to like her, they just want her to say yes.

Anyway, I am sorry your prospective partner feels badly about himself. To make things easier you can explain the way you feel, and your wishes for your relationship, clearly and truthfully. It's embarrassing but if he struggles reading others like I do it might help him to see your perspective. Educate yourself on how he experiences things, what he finds challenging etc.. I think patience is the main thing; patience and openness. Being on the spectrum can be very lonely; you spend a lot of time in your own brain and the world doesn't always make sense to you. I think anybody living with this daily loneliness will have difficulties with forming relationships (a combination of desperately wanting one to combat loneliness, and low self-esteem issues from the way their processing affects their confidence).

I think you're absolutely right.

Apart from other factors, looking at the culture around me (at least in the UK, which is heavily influenced by but not identical to the US), I see:

Women encouraged to both Get That Man and Be Happy Single, Of Course You Don't Need A Man.

Men encouraged to Get That Girl Into Bed, What Are You, A Loser? and Women, Eh? Don't Get Into A Relationship, It's A Nightmare.

While inter-sex relations are, culturally speaking, generally rancorous, there is in Be Happy Single a sliver of a sense of hope outside of a romantic life, whereas the culture for men (and thus for women dealing with them) is f*****g toxic, snagged as it seems to be at a mental age of about 14. There's not really a place or social/cultural discourse for men to talk about relationships.

It worked for me. So far, so good. I'm always open to all suggestions to making it last, because I don't buy this nonsense that it cannot work. Anything can, if you love each other enough! Oh, and another reason why it is so hard is, too often, other people can't see that they love in their own way. We can't mold each other into what we think someone aught to be. That's not fair. Let someone love you, in the way they can and accept it. Accept them for who they are, for the beautiful person that they are. Don't try to force someone in to loving you in a way that is not comfortable for them. It will not work. When you can see how much they love you, in their own way, it will be so much more fulfilling and wonderful! That's my two cents on the matter.

What fjord said,but being romantic can depend. I'm super romantic. Aspies are different no one fits all mold.

If I actually got a gf, I'd be cautious to believe it. It'd take months of her sticking around before I'd open up and relaxe I imagine.

I've had to learn over the years that I'm not good enough for any woman, and never will be, any time I got close the woman was just using me or playing games. I've never had a woman actually want to be with me. Truly love me. Doesn't seem like ever will. Other then time i dont know how a woman would get past that.

You may also have problems, I've learned I need to keep distance form a gf if I get one, act like don't love or care for them. its not what I'd like to do. I'm. Ore romantic and clingy. I dont know what's right or wrong, he made struggle similarly

Most of what has been said is probably accurate, I would say that it ultimate boils down the indisputable fact that men have to initiate relationships whereas women don't which is already hard but especially debilitating for those on the spectrum. Based on casual observance it seems like most women on the spectrum have some experience with relationships and worry more getting into a bad relationship relative to the men many of whom have little to no experience and suffer in self esteem over the perceived inadequacies.

I remember once my sister saying she wished to be boy and what my mother said to her in return and that was 'Why would you want to be a boy? A girl can act anyway she wants and still be accepted but boys can only act a certain way or they won't be accepted.' Now don't take that as an absolute statement, I know and I'm sure she knows that isn't a universal truth and I'm sure some women here would disagree but I would say it is more true than it is wrong as I feel 'quirkiness' is much more tolerated or even found attractive with women whereas I feel it works against men more times than not.

Culturally I think this country is very sick; a culture of misery, hatred, greed. Gen X were the worst parents in history, they are the generation of divorce, they are the generation of abortion, they are the generation of the helicopter parent, their boomer parents were even more selfish and self interested albeit more idealistic so they weren't much better for having raised these people and are probably more responsible than anyone for the sorry state of this country as they've leached the lifeforce out of every proceeding generation. Maybe I'm blurring things together. Things seem to be getting progressively worse, shudder to think how messed up this next generation will be and the country that will be left to them. People prioritize hedonism and consumerism over raising a family or instilling values, does anybody think the 'hook up' culture is defensible or even sustainable? Do people think the surge of illegitimacy in this country is a good thing? We have economic inequality but we also social inequality both of which are increasing at breakneck speeds, people are more divided now more than ever. I feel like we are heading a societal collapse, it seems an economic one is inevitable, everything seems to be falling apart and getting worse and maybe that is what needs to happen for it to be rebuilt from the ashes but it will certainly miserable for the lost generations caught in between. It's pretty telling that the 'edgy' non-conformists of today are simply traditionalists who believe in the family, the pendulum was swung so far in the other direction that there needs to be a correction for the sake of cultural survival.

The only way to change this way of thinking is experience which is a pretty cruel catch 22 for someone stuck in that trap. Being direct with your communication would probably help too I guess.

This is probably a fair observation, particularly regarding the world of romance. Women have to do a lot more to put a guy off than the other way around. This can be negative for women too, though; it leads to a lot of unwanted harrassment and attention, and whilst a woman might have more guys to choose from, the majority might be ones she doesn't want or invite.



Firstly, let's be postmodern and recognise that this sort of thing has been said about every generation/zeitgeist in the past, and in the future people will be saying it about that time, and looking back on this one as some sort of lost golden age.

Secondly:'People are more divided now than ever'? More than when segregation existed? More than when women couldn't vote?



I think if this is a person's individual outlook on life, then it is defensible. Comments like yours show that there are many people who still want to settle down and have a family. Additionally, many people settle down after previously having participated in the hook-up culture, so the two lifestyles aren't mutually exclusive in many people's minds. I tend to think just let other people do their own thing, and you do yours. I can see why it would feel like an epidemic of loose-morals or consumerism if your beliefs are so strongly in the other direction, and why it would therefore feel like other people's lifestyles do affect you, but broadly speaking, they don't. I certainly don't want to marry/settle/have a family; the fact that you do doesn't bother me, you just have to let other people get on with things.

Obviously we live in different countries/cultures, but why is illegitimacy such a problem? The very word sounds so old fashioned to me . Does the birth of an 'illegitimate' child affect people outside of their family (genuine question, not rhetoric)? To my mind we are more than our parentage anyway, and should be valued as individuals; regarding a person as illegitimate surely sets a prejudice against them very early on, and actually contributes to the division of society?

Finally, and I don't really want to get into an argument because I know people have strong views in either direction, but I don't see how a person who chooses to have an abortion can be a bad parent. They never got to be a parent (in the social sense), surely?

I don't know, I feel like people are more divided individually and there is no real community or camaraderie for most people in this country if that makes sense. Segregation never really went away and it is now politically in vogue with the segments of the left in this country, this country has been in decay for a long time and despite the advances in civil rights our communities have not gotten better or closer together with the black community in particular suffering. Illegitimacy is a huge problem since I do not believe one can raise a child alone, more times than not they are dependent and I think illegitimacy as well as divorce is akin to child abuse and how the children of the nation are raised effects everyone. I don't feel it's a stain on the child, it's a stain on the parents. Bad parenting is evident all around this country, these kids don't even have a chance and I believe these moral values are integral to tranquility and a functioning society. As for abortion, I consider it murder and I can articulate this point further if need be but there is a time and place to debate that. Society tends to judge us fairly harshly so one can judge back, life has given us plenty of reason to be bitter.