Loneliness

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Sometimes I wonder whether many Aspergians delve into sci-fi and fantasy and all sorts of magical, weird, and crazy things because they are lonely. Just like the title of this site, I often feel like I'm on the wrong planet, but I have recently come to the conclusion that I can find escapism in other ways than just wishing for a Vulcan space craft to beam me up. In fact, one of the reasons why I write my books is because of my loneliness. Even though a have a few good friends, I still feel lonely a lot and feel happy for yet just a tiny bit jealous of the couples who seem to be perfect for each other.
I confess that I feel like little Sarjenka from that Season 2 episode of Star Trek: TNG: "Is there anyone out there?"

Yes I can completely relate to what you are saying and my friend would be able to as well (also an aspie).

I am not an introvert but an ambiverted aspie and actually quite confident/decent social skills and enjoy having a social life a lot more than the other aspies I have met in my life. I'm the kind of person that would hang out with their best friends every weekend and in the past I did.

But I have been living in a new city and have no one to hang out with. I have good friends but they are all just acquaintances at school. The only friends I have that DO want to hang out outside of school live in different cities then me now.

Also I hate online friendships and relationships and can't stand them.

Anyway I have been forced to use my hobbies and interests as a form of escapism. I enjoy my hobbies and interests, but I get sick and tired of them. I am a person who loves change and requires constant stimulation whether that be from going out and doing something outside of the house, work, school, events, etc.

Anyway, so I have felt a crippling loneliness and depression that has affected me all year.

My best friend is also an aspie and an introvert and he is much better than me at ignoring his loneliness, but he only does it the same way I do - through escapism.

But me I hate escapism. I understand relaxing and escaping the world to have some fun but I also want to go out, do things, meet people, etc.

I feel like it's a trap to just continue with escapism - you also have to face your problems head-on and face reality. That is why I began starting to meet new people at school and get to know more people and some good has come out of it, new friends and that but I am still not satisfied with what I have got so far.

I only feel isolated, cooped up at home spending all my time at home alone doing nothing. To actually stop the loneliness distracting yourself isn't going to work I don't think, so I want to do more. I want to go out, do things, meet people, do volunteer work, etc.

So how easy or difficult do you find it to ignore the loneliness? My friend is good at it he says he simply 'ignores' the loneliness me however I end up suffering misery, depression and general sadness all the fricken time. Especially when I have a lot of fun around other people socially but then go back to my little cave of loneliness and have to be away from them. 'Withdrawal effect'.

This is what I have always said: Hobbies and interests are only a temporary, short-term distraction to a long-term problem.

I'd rather do temporary short-term things to put me on the right track to fixing the problem then just ignoring it.

I did things partly to escape from reality but it wasn't out of loneliness. When I got really lonely I dwelled on it instead of practicing escapism.

Same here, I only went to escapism as a last resort because I genuinely did feel it a trap. Especially what it has done to my friends. My friends are very content but in a bad way. They don't care about looks and hygiene, in terrible shape, etc.

Out of my best friends i've always been the cleanest, healthiest, most confident and social one. And I don't mean this in an arrogant way. For some reason I'm the only one that takes at least 2 showers a day for instance, actually brushes their teeth, and actually wears deodorant. I could provide dozens more examples. For instance I am the only one who eats healthy and is reasonably active, the rest junk food eating couch potatos. They are fairly anti-social, lonely and at times rude and see no reason for improvement.

It is just terrible seeing my friends become like this, that's all.

Me I am different to them. I am always setting goals and working to achieve them and very ambitious.

I preffered to feel miserable about my loneliness than ever ignore it, because feeling it reminds me it exists, rather than ignoring the problem with 'temporary distractions' and hoping it would go away.

Escapism can be counter-productive. I do however resort to it a little these days, but I never allow myself to delve too deeply into it. I prefer to also go back to reality and dwell on my problems, my sadness/depression/anger, what makes me feel this way, etc. so that I can continue to think of what to do about it.

Nick007 has dwelling on your problems/issues actually made things better for you or would you say it's better to try and just ignore the problem?

Does it seem weird that I'm actually trying to make a career out of my own escapism? Since I spend the most amount of time in my own head, I love thinking about all sorts of interesting things. The problem is that no one in my community seems particularly interested in discussions about mythology or Shakespeare or something, and since I'm so shy I have trouble saying exactly what I mean to say. I also have complicated trust issues. Or maybe I'm just being overly angst-y...

I think deeply myself and enjoy philosophy and psychology. I've used my solitude to develop my own views of the world. Philosophically I am an existentialist. I also am interested in politics, Socialist-Democratic views, environmental issues,conspiracy theories, Anonymous, etc. I use the internet to research things (philo- and psycho- especially) as well when bored instead of just 'killing time'. Never have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

Even my friends, they just don't value deep conversation like I do. My best friend is capable of deep conversation however I am the much more talkative one and 99% of the time I 'lead' all of our conversations. He is short responses and brief type of guy (not because he isn't interested, that's just how he is due to also being an aspie) I am detailed and verbose (as if anyone couldn't already tell in the first place. XD).

Is it weird you make a 'career' out of it? No, I'd say not. Solitude and isolation seems to encourage us to think deeply and introspectively; it's natural. I mean if you don't have many people to talk to about 'interesting things' with that deviate from societies usual boring, generic 'small talk' and the few friends you do have aren't capable of it, then of course you'd be keeping these thoughts to yourself.

It's hard though, I know. It's like some...some sort of energy within you. I believe many people in this world are opinionated and like to hear their own opinions and are confident in them that they are right or correct. Even now I'm going into detail with this., because it;'s true. It feels good to express your inner thoughts, to get them off your chest. Just keeping everything inside negatively affects you when you want people to talk to about this stuff to.

Yeah, I'd say that I'm deeply philosophical. I often feel like I'm the only person who believes in faeries or mythological creatures anymore. I'm fascinated by things like Wiccan traditions and natural healing and many different kinds of spirituality. Clamp manga introduced me to the idea of 'soulmates' and the 'special person just for you', but I haven't decided how I feel about that. I do believe that there are particular places you need to go, things you need to do, and people you need to meet through out your life, though, so who knows? The funny thing is, I'm so quiet yet when I'm really into something I can practically give lectures and rants about it for hours [one time when I was young I gave my mother a lecture on Greek and Roman mythology for a full hour before I realized that she wanted me to stop talking!
It's like...well, it's like there's something inside me that not just compels me to write, but it's like I NEED to write.
[For those who like writing and books, Emily of New Moon is a great book to read! It's one of my favourite books! ]

My beliefs mainly lie in the spiritual beliefs of my ethnicity but yeah I've got some spiritual beliefs as well. Mainly little phases I have where I'm obsessed with it.

Faeries and mythological creatures? When you say you believe in them, do you mean you believe they existed or that they still exist today but remain undiscovered. Why so?

Spiritual beliefs I can understand. I believe in paranormal stuff like ghosts and spirits and the like because it's just something modern instruments can't detect, there is evidence, and people do feel and experience these things, and it's something I've felt as well myself.

I was at a significant site for my people's religion. It was an area used by the men for fighting competitively. I felt this...strange energy through me just walking onto the land. It's experienced frequently by my people - actually feeling the influence of the spirits when walking onto culturally significant sites.

While not ruling out the possibility of mythological creatures, I'm a bit more sceptic in wondering what would make them undetectable in modern society. Why do you think they would be undetectable?

1. The majority of Earth's oceans remain unexplored so who knows, perhaps mythological beliefs related to the ocean such as the Krakken were real (I somewhat believe in the Krakken). Any other reasons?



That's honestly normal. Like I was saying, I just believe most people do like to talk about their thoughts. As in, it's not even an aspie limited thing. We're all just quite thoughtful and full of ideas and things to say, but not everyone has that sort of outlet.

Lonely or shy people especially have that 'energy' inside them. Even if they can be quiet they have all these ideas and things to say in their head that they just want to get out.

I'd think this is why you do give long rants and lectures - shyer or lonelier people let it out all at once when they get the rare opportunities to.

Extroverts and more social people are like this as well, but at least they have people to talk to. And they seem to let their thoughts out in shorter bursts of energy instead of one big thing.

And, yeah, writing can be a good outlet, along with other forms of artistic expression.

Well, I have this theory that mythological creatures still exist but have been driven away by all of the nasty stuff happening to the planet and are hidden in another dimension somewhere. My theory about the faeries is that they are still around on Earth but a lot of cynical people [not to generalize or anything] have simply given up on childhood wonders so they can't see [or don't allow themselves to see] the faeries. I mean, when was the last time you met an adult who mentioned that they talk to the faeries in their garden? Yet children still do. Heck, I still do. Even though the garden at my house is small, I still greet the faeries at least once every day. Not only that, humankind has become so ludicrously noisy no wonder hardly anyone notices anything supernatural or spiritual anymore! It makes me more than a little sad.
I also think that there is some deep, primal energy connecting the ley lines all over the world, and that the ancient cultures certainly knew much more about it than we know today. I find it funny when science 'discovers' something that the ancients knew all along. Not that I really have anything against science. I just find it boring, that's all. I mean, when you try to explain love in a scientific way, it just takes all the magic and mystery and...well...life out of it. At least, that's the way I see it.
Blimey, what a wall of text! One good thing is that this site has become a bit of a haven for me since I feel like I can communicate with my 'own kind', so to speak.

Philosophy is certainly more entertaining to me. Philosophy and beliefs are about discussing questions, science is about finding answers.

It does take the magic out of everything due to answering things. I think some mystery in our lives is much better.

I do still like Psychology though. It does the same thing science does - answers human behavior. But for some reason something's just so interesting about it to me - as in, finding out psychology and then observing it in real life.

Yeah, a lot of negative people dismiss spiritual beliefs and the such as childish or 'ridiculous'. Even my beliefs in the 'spiritual energy' and essence would be shot down by critical people.

The thing about science is also that, it hasn't proved nor unproved everything yet. There's so much science hasn't found or answered yet. It's a bit arrogant of us to simply dismiss all beliefs and only support science because IT'S SCIENCE PEOPLE, MUST BE RIGHT.

One mild example is Faster-Than-Light space travel, constantly dismissed even though there are so many untested theories on the matter.



Yeah, this is a fast and energetic world we live in, people rarely sit back and think (similar to the common idiom: sit back and smell the roses).

I think that when I'm a successful writer I'll find a nice country house somewhere, fill it with books, and adopt a cat or two. Maybe then I won't be so lonely. I'm fascinated by Carl Jung's study of dreams and the unconscious mind and stuff like that, especially since I often have the most bizarre dreams. Maybe if people slowed down and weren't so busy, they would do good things instead of rushing around everywhere and messing things up. I think that the over-reliance on time has something to do with it. To me, time is just an annoyance and I'd rather not own clocks since the ticking both disturbs me and drives me nuts. Perhaps if people didn't rely so much on time, they might find that they can focus more on the things that really matter.
Anyway, I've been having dreams in which either myself or other people are constantly searching for someone or something, but don't end up finding it. I've had around four or five so far, and it's really starting to irritate me because I don't know what I'm searching for either. Maybe my unconscious mind is looking for a way to stop being lonely.

You are not the only one. I love those things too. I also get a yearning to write sometimes for days on end!

When I was a teenager I used to play video games a lot to escape loneliness-- and this was before they got good graphics, so that should tell you how bad it was. That being said, with age and social experience I realized I just plain don't really like 90% of people-- they're mostly rude, care only about superficial things, and are emotionally negative parasites. Mind you, I said 90%, the remaining 10% have generally been autistic or have strong autistic traits. I don't view my activities as "escapism" so much as sanity boosting.

I know that feeling as well. I might often feel lonely, but when at school in certain situations I might enjoy being alone.

Mainly situations with big crowds, like when all of the other 12th graders are together for meetings and such. When we are waiting around for the meeting to begin or if we are finished and waiting until we can go home, I'll just find a comfortable spot, lean against the wall like I do, and relax.

I don't feel any sort of loneliness or negative emotions. I do feel a slight awkwardness that sort of hurts me inside though, but I can ignore it and it is quickly gone. The only reason I feel it is because I am non-conforming and look a bit strange/the odd-man out.

I might choose to approach my friends, who are usually in a group talking, but half the time I'll just stick to the wall. The other people around me, no interest in socializing with them.

This is what all the 12th graders usually do - clump together in groups with their friends and socialize. Me, I just stick to the walls, lean against it and chill-out.

It's like I actually feel that sometimes actually being around other people doesn't make me want to talk to them.

I also only really like to get along with 10% of people. People who are most often unique, different or non-conformist in some way.

And I don't mean that in an offensive way to people who are conformist.

All friends I have had that were conformist and a bit trendy, basically like a regular teenage male, were short and did not last. One friend I had was a stereotypical hardcore gamer, and by stereotypical I mean stereotypical 14 year old gamer (I was also 14 mind you). It didn't last.

And yeah for me 'escapism' is still to ignore my loneliness. That and because I actually do genuinely enjoy my hobbies and interests. But i get tired of just focusing on them and like to do things outside of the house and also do social things, requiring constant stimulation,.

Hmm...maybe there's a way to somehow combine your interests with 'getting out and about'. For instance, sometimes I take my sketchbook to the park, and if I lived in the country again I really would sit outside and write all day. Although...video games aren't exactly outside type things...Well, back at my old house, I often had the window wide open while I played in my room, so that's something.
It's nice that there's so many nice people on this forum, isn't it? By the way, Aristophanes [cool name], what type of games do you like? Or do you still like video games?

Lol, nah, I'm 34 and a dinosaur as far as video games are concerned. I write music and read dense textbooks now for my sanity time-- I'm one of those information addicted autistics. I feel I get more out of life having Plato lecture to me across 2k+ years than listen to other people talk about how great the new "in" film is.

I will say this though, if you feel you're using writing as a way to escape that's a problem. I'm perfectly happy and comfortable being completely alone for vast stretches of time, however, not all autistics are that way-- many want social interaction they just aren't good at it. If you feel lonely you should find a way to solve it because it leads to overwhelming stress, which in my opinion is a serious health issue. Besides, what happens when you get writer's block?

@Outrider
I don't know what it's like socially "down under" but if it's anything like the states the non-conformist approach can have really negative impacts, especially if you're ambitious like you claim. By ambitious I'm assuming you're looking towards your future and if that's the case realize that anymore most companies value social skills and conformity more than actual ability. You'd do best to slowly start interacting with the conformists since you seem to possess the requisite social skills-- in the future one of them may land a good job with a company that also has need for a skill set you possess. It's sickening to me, but the truth is: it's not what you know but who you know.