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Ecomatt91
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06 Sep 2015, 4:38 pm

Sometimes I feel worried and anxious of being a dateless virgin especially being 24 years old. It seems being an aspie male puts this in bad reputation. I have talked to my family and friends about how I feel about being a dateless virgin. They told me its fine, and kept bagging on 'don't worry, she will come along'. The longer I wait, in terms of patience is the more I become anxious.

I don't think the numbers in the world takes it seriously. Is there more virgins, or less or whatever in the world especially to those older than 24? The internet have two different sides of this story. My friends told me same side of they are being a dateless virgin just like me or previously had a relationship/sex. The ones who previously experienced it doesn't want to go back because of hurt emotions.

Ok, I understand about this. I am expected to feel a same if I have a girlfriend and get hurt. I am uncertain why this is a case. I really do love to have a partner because I see them being a 'partner in crime' kind of person. It someone works with you, share similar experiences and be a-team. I told this values to all of my family and friends, their responses returned in positively saying there is a lady going to find me with this similar values. I feel good and bad at 50:50 because the half of my confidence doesn't seem this can be proven to happen. I have been taught to be patient, and wait for them to come to me unexpectedly. The unexpected part gets me excited and being positive about because it seems quite successful method of how to get someone.

The sex part worries me too. I am not taking this whole big deal. I am sure the dating in 20s has been dropping in rates because lot of young people are now focusing on their universities and career. But I am not sure this is a rise of fwb situations. I been told by my friends that they do not do that because of emotion issues, in same way of having a relationship with someone. So, is it the media and society ways portrays this badly? Like, not everyone is having a relationship or sex? There is plenty dateless virgins, especially the NTs? These are questions of life.



Ecomatt91
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06 Sep 2015, 9:24 pm

I look lonely here :(



Beau
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06 Sep 2015, 11:48 pm

You're not alone; there are dateless NT virgins :)



Stargazer43
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07 Sep 2015, 12:19 am

I don't know what exactly you're asking, but my advice is that it's never too late to start. If you've never been on a date, you could change that today - you just need to know how to go about it. Once you start dating, you will probably go through some trial/error...there are a lot of unspoken rules and such in the dating world, and until you learn them you won't really know what you're doing.



goofygoobers
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07 Sep 2015, 12:30 am

My recommendation is to keep your positive outlook and meet as many women as you can. If one relationship doesn't work out, you can move on to someone else. Just be open to getting to know people, and if it leads to you dating, then good. I don't have any proper advice about asking people out though. I still don't know how that's supposed to work.



diminished57
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07 Sep 2015, 1:24 am

My original post was removed. It's nice to be censored in AS community. Just another to be ashamed to have it.



diminished57
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07 Sep 2015, 1:26 am

Maybe I should've posted "I <3 Star Trek" or "did I tie my shoes too tight." f**k this.



Outrider
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07 Sep 2015, 8:37 am

I have seen Ecomatt's other posts.

He has tried the whole 'dating' thing to whoeever suggested that.

I kind of have trouble reading his posts but I think he has basically said that he is an EXTREMELY socially active aspie always doing things and meeting people and he has asked many women out but they have rejected him all and frustrated him.

He also said something along the lines of this has made him realize he is asking them all too much and only driving them all away.

Perhaps he means to say he came across a little desperate.

Now in recent posts he is saying he is becoming much more accepting of it that he is single and that it's not a big deal to be single at 25, but is still clearly concerned about it and in the transitioning to acceptance stage.

OP, sir, just keep this positive outlook, keep putting yourself out there like you have been and meeting new people, male and female. You do seem to be on the right track regardless of whatever negative thoughts you might have that say you aren't.

Hopefully you'll meet a potential girlfriend through natural chemistry.

Not by dating a girl a few times and playing 'the game' and all the dating rules, but maybe just meeting a nice woman, being friends first, and then something comes up.

For now, let the 'unexpected' and 'waiting for the surprise' feelings continue - so that when you do find love unexpectedly you WILL feel these emotions.

Good luck.



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07 Sep 2015, 9:35 am

"Don't worry. She will come along" is bad advice. You need to actively try to meet people.


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JNathanK
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07 Sep 2015, 10:40 am

Id say that if you do get a date, I'd try to remain buddhist about the outcome. Just have fun and try to connect with the person. I mean I'd try to dress up nice and show basic etiquette, but I wouldn't try so hard as to not enjoy being around the other person.

Don't worry too much about sex. I lost my virginity when I was 25, and I didn't feel like a different person afterwards like I thought I would. Its important to find a good partner more than it is is to just have sex, and if you fulfil this end of it, the sex will be amazing.



Ecomatt91
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07 Sep 2015, 4:49 pm

I had a planned professional psychologist appointment after I made this post yesterday. We spoken about same issues and stuff. She is a very strong speaker, like talking to a tough person. I highly recommended myself to continue to talk to her, since that her advice is incredibly strong.

After I explained all the things I have done so far in my life. She never seen any negative thing from me. It is all positive. She made me to think hard of what I achieved in my life and many more positive things yet to come. Like I am going to Vietnam in December for two weeks etc. Although we did talked about relationship and sex too. She kept insisting on me about 'forgetting what other people do' because they do not have got anything to do with me.

At the end of appointment she clearly stated that a women will always going to find me by who I am because it all the positive thing I do. She also said that my attitude is A-plus and bonus for a women being with me.



Phemto
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07 Sep 2015, 7:32 pm

I've been in much the same position as you. At 25, I was tall, reasonably good looking (so I was told), athletic, with a college degree and a well paying job. I volunteered my time and donated bone marrow. I was an undiagnosed aspie who couldn't flirt if my life depended on it, missed all the appropriate cues, and ran out of things to say in small talk, but had no idea what was wrong with me. I had become depressed and desperate from a long string of rejections.

I would get advice about being patient from people who had never had to be patient, and advice about "don't be desperate." It felt like holding a glass of water out to a guy dying of thirst, and saying "If you can convince me you're not thirsty, I'll give it to you." I was never such a good actor.

What finally broke me out of it was help from a friend, who basically made it his mission to hook me up with a coworker. He talked me up, and cajoled me into the right social situations, and basically guided the whole process until things finally clicked. We've been together over 20 years now.

So I guess the only advice I can give is enlist help of good friends. Let them know that you're not happy with your situation, and you've reached the point where you need more than platitudes and advice. It can be difficult to ask for help, but good friends are a powerful resource.



Ecomatt91
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08 Sep 2015, 1:05 am

Phemto wrote:
I've been in much the same position as you. At 25, I was tall, reasonably good looking (so I was told), athletic, with a college degree and a well paying job. I volunteered my time and donated bone marrow. I was an undiagnosed aspie who couldn't flirt if my life depended on it, missed all the appropriate cues, and ran out of things to say in small talk, but had no idea what was wrong with me. I had become depressed and desperate from a long string of rejections.

I would get advice about being patient from people who had never had to be patient, and advice about "don't be desperate." It felt like holding a glass of water out to a guy dying of thirst, and saying "If you can convince me you're not thirsty, I'll give it to you." I was never such a good actor.

What finally broke me out of it was help from a friend, who basically made it his mission to hook me up with a coworker. He talked me up, and cajoled me into the right social situations, and basically guided the whole process until things finally clicked. We've been together over 20 years now.

So I guess the only advice I can give is enlist help of good friends. Let them know that you're not happy with your situation, and you've reached the point where you need more than platitudes and advice. It can be difficult to ask for help, but good friends are a powerful resource.


The difference is I know I have aspergers since I was 12 when diagnosed. Now 24 and that is half of life ago.

I doubt my friends would do that since they are all not in relationships at all. I am not sure about the fwb, but some of them told me they never heard of the term nor doesn't do it. So I not trying to assume here, but I think they are solely focused on their studies. However few of them told me they have their own personal problems too. Like one of them go and see a psychologist, like that I go and see because of my ASD. They are NT friends and still have same thing. 1 in 2 people in the world have their own problems and talk to people.

The good news is I got a coffee date (not sure if this is a right word because we haven't mentioned that word in the commitment) this Thursday with a girl I just met from playing social netball sports. So yea, I am not going to overthink or try to make plans of what to say because it can be disappointing. I am a little confused of her too because since we met, introduced through my friend, she is suddenly very very nice and very very approachable. I never met someone that is extremely too nice and accept me instead of rejecting in a nice way.

Nevermind, not to think about it anyway. Like my psychologist told me.

Phemto, as first time you met this lady as you just told me about. You had your first everything with her? Like from a dateless virgin to a long term committed relationship?



Outrider
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08 Sep 2015, 1:17 am

Friends can help and I met my ex-girlfriend that way. I have been hanging out with a certain group I was originally introduced to by the friend and gotten to know them all better. Me and the ex had natural chemistry and were both not looking for love but developed feelings for one another.

Got a date then?

I wouldn't think too much of it either. I think but don't choose not to think about it at all. I think you still have to be aware and acknowledge what another person thinks of you. She was nice to you, and said yes. So she at least she doesn't hate you, and there is some possible mutual interest here, maybe as friends, maybe as more.

Question, how did you ask the date anyway? Did you mention it as date or not?

And good luck.

What I said earlier was maybe to take a break from looking. I have heard the advice 'you find love when you stop looking' and I do not 100% believe it or support it. But I think it is equal to looking. It doesn't matter if you are looking for love or not, you can find it either way.

I was just suggesting OP, sir, if you've been asking out a lot of people recently and been attempting to find a relationship, just relax and take a break and continue the positive life and outlook and see how different things are.

Find what works for you, that's all. And if you are confident in yourself that you will only find success by LOOKING, than I agree it's a good idea.

I also strongly prefer looking, it's just when I finally decided "Time to stop looking for once" I did get my first relationship. It didn't last long and didn't get very far, but it was a start.



Ecomatt91
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08 Sep 2015, 4:14 pm

Outrider wrote:
Friends can help and I met my ex-girlfriend that way. I have been hanging out with a certain group I was originally introduced to by the friend and gotten to know them all better. Me and the ex had natural chemistry and were both not looking for love but developed feelings for one another.

Got a date then?

I wouldn't think too much of it either. I think but don't choose not to think about it at all. I think you still have to be aware and acknowledge what another person thinks of you. She was nice to you, and said yes. So she at least she doesn't hate you, and there is some possible mutual interest here, maybe as friends, maybe as more.

Question, how did you ask the date anyway? Did you mention it as date or not?

And good luck.

What I said earlier was maybe to take a break from looking. I have heard the advice 'you find love when you stop looking' and I do not 100% believe it or support it. But I think it is equal to looking. It doesn't matter if you are looking for love or not, you can find it either way.

I was just suggesting OP, sir, if you've been asking out a lot of people recently and been attempting to find a relationship, just relax and take a break and continue the positive life and outlook and see how different things are.

Find what works for you, that's all. And if you are confident in yourself that you will only find success by LOOKING, than I agree it's a good idea.

I also strongly prefer looking, it's just when I finally decided "Time to stop looking for once" I did get my first relationship. It didn't last long and didn't get very far, but it was a start.



Yes true, but who knows about my friends. They are mostly single so I wouldn't worry about it. I am assuming my love life is outside of uni, since that majority of people at uni's are mostly single. I have a group outside of uni, through Meetup.com groups. So yea I go to their events as much as possible.

I don't think it be called as a date if it not stated. I believe it just us getting to know each others, though I am surprised I wasn't rejected in this similar way. Many women did say no to me for 'getting to know each others'. This is one of many first time. Sighs, its happening tomorrow. Nevermind to overthink. I got other stuff to worry about, but yes I still aware of it.

I am not sure about the difference between looking and not looking. The part of not looking worries me that it seems disinterested, that scare them away saying 'oh, you said that you are not looking. I bet that you don't want to be with someone because you are not looking'. That is like I am rejecting them. In a similar way of them rejecting me. I haven't asked anyone out, on an intentional date for a while. Once this year that I asked. I know when I am desperate. Used to be like and don't want to be like that again.