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MonsterCrack
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25 Sep 2015, 9:59 pm

I always get so shy, and because of experience i worry that ill say the wrong thing, and offend someone or make someone uncomfortable... i never know what to say to cute or hot girls in public, and i worry that they'll be creeped out if i talk to them at all.... at places where i know people, im worried something will happen, too....



brandonb1312
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25 Sep 2015, 10:04 pm

If it helps your not alone, I have no idea either


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Diagnosed with ASD and Depression.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 127 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 82 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


DailyPoutine1
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25 Sep 2015, 10:07 pm

Again, you're not alone OP.



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26 Sep 2015, 7:52 am

Oh man, if you do mean talking to and approaching females in public, I don't even do it either.

I do feel too shy/nervous.

One piece of advice I have though for you is that, if you are good at picking up signals that a female is attracted to you, only approach and chat a girl up if there is a clear mutual interest.

Thing is, this might not be true for you due to being an aspie.

I am also an aspie but I am confident and also extremely good at picking up verbal and non-verbal language. I can read body language.

I can tell when a female's attracted to me. In public all the time I get and recognize 'those' sort of looks, and other signs that she is attracted to me.

When out in public I am hoping for the day when things might be mutual. When I notice an attractive female and she considers me attractive. So far there has been ONE case where I THINK things might have been mutual - mutual looks, mutual positive looks toward each other, mutual positive body language, etc. but I didn't have the time or opportunity to talk to her.

But only then is when I want to actually ever approach. And I actually have no problem approaching. If I know things are mutual I could do great. I am good at approaching others but not random strangers only friends or something just as interested in introducing themselves back.

I also try to make myself look as attractive and confident as possible in public, good posture, head held high, chest out a little, nice confident walk, leaving your arms out and taking up some space, good seating posture by sitting up, an extremely light smile to passing females, and a calm demeanor, etc.

Anyway, in short OP:

1. Try to walk and look as positive and confident as possible at all times.

2. If you can, maybe get to know females your age as friends only, but use them to learn how to read body language and non-verbal language. Observe how they might act around a crush, etc.



Fnord
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26 Sep 2015, 9:45 am

You don't.

Let them come to you.

They will do that if you haven't already ruined your image with violent, hate-filled speech, inappropriate behavior, wierd clothes, or lack of confidence. They will be even more likely to come to you if you have a real musical talent, show athletic prowess, get good grades, and stay out of trouble.



SwissPagan
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27 Sep 2015, 4:42 am

"and stay out of trouble."

what about all the bad boys who are just out of the prison and getting GFs?



The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Sep 2015, 4:50 am

SwissPagan wrote:
"and stay out of trouble."

what about all the bad boys who are just out of the prison and getting GFs?


They get GFs who are just out of the prison too, or always around former prisoners.

Personally, I've never seen this archetype of 'players', except in the movies.

Did you know there's a dating/penpale site for inmates? http://www.meet-an-inmate.com/ladies/



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27 Sep 2015, 5:05 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SwissPagan wrote:
"and stay out of trouble."

what about all the bad boys who are just out of the prison and getting GFs?


They get GFs who are just out of the prison too, or always around former prisoners.

Personally, I've never seen this archetype of 'players', except in the movies.

Did you know there's a dating/penpale site for inmates? http://www.meet-an-inmate.com/ladies/


"They get GFs who are just out of the prison too, or always around former prisoners."

yeah... my sister never went to prison, and yet three out of the five boyfriends she had in highschool ended up in prison...

later in a college I had a piece of s**t roommate who almost beat the s**t out of his GF in a drunken rage had I not stopped him, and HE not only still had the same GF after that, but gained some others along the way. WTH!?



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27 Sep 2015, 7:07 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SwissPagan wrote:
"and stay out of trouble."

what about all the bad boys who are just out of the prison and getting GFs?


They get GFs who are just out of the prison too, or always around former prisoners.

Personally, I've never seen this archetype of 'players', except in the movies.



All that crap is just referring to guys in general who may have personality-disorders such as NPD or ASPD, and those guys are known for being womanizers and sometimes sexual-predators as well.



Fnord
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27 Sep 2015, 7:34 am

Why are some women attracted to trouble-makers and ex-cons?

They must be stupid, in my opinion.

What kind of man wants a stupid girlfriend?

Men who know that smart women will have nothing to do with them.



SwissPagan
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27 Sep 2015, 7:46 am

Fnord wrote:
Why are some women attracted to trouble-makers and ex-cons?

They must be stupid, in my opinion.

What kind of man wants a stupid girlfriend?

Men who know that smart women will have nothing to do with them.


but that begs the question, you want to have a GF, but you don't want to conform to the shitty standard you need to reduce yourself to get a GF, and if they are stupid, then you have reduce yourself again altogether and it hardly becomes worth it. however society doesn't trust a young healthy male who has been single for this long, nor do other women, so you are kinda damned if you do damned if you don't. there are smart women out there, but most fo the ones I have found don't what relationships (probably for the very reasons I listed,) or are in a relationship with a really good guy and you don't want to f**k that up for either of them.

the whole thing just feels like a mess, and again, this could probably be more balance if the road was both ways and girls made the moves as well at the guys, but that always seems to be asking way to much.



Fnord
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27 Sep 2015, 8:07 am

SwissPagan wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Why are some women attracted to trouble-makers and ex-cons? They must be stupid, in my opinion. What kind of man wants a stupid girlfriend? Men who know that smart women will have nothing to do with them.
But that begs the question ...
Not at all, and your argument explains why.
SwissPagan wrote:
... you want to have a GF, but you don't want to conform to the shitty standard you need to reduce yourself to get a GF, and if they are stupid, then you have reduce yourself again altogether and it hardly becomes worth it. however society doesn't trust a young healthy male who has been single for this long, nor do other women, so you are kinda damned if you do damned if you don't...
It's simple. Trouble-makers, ex-cons, and other losers eventually learn how slim their chances are of attracting intelligent, successful women. So, in order to acquire steady female companionship, they lower their standards to the point where they will accept stupid women.

How do they find these stupid women? They look for women with needle tracks on their arms (or sleeve tattoos to cover the needle marks); they look for women prostituting themselves; they look for women who are all alone because intelligent and successful men avoid them; or they look for women who just seem to be intellectually or emotionally vulnerable.

In other words, these men look for "easy" or desperate women in much the same way that bullies look for easy victims with no friends and who are desperate for attention.



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27 Sep 2015, 8:16 am

SwissPagan wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Why are some women attracted to trouble-makers and ex-cons?

They must be stupid, in my opinion.

What kind of man wants a stupid girlfriend?

Men who know that smart women will have nothing to do with them.


but that begs the question, you want to have a GF, but you don't want to conform to the shitty standard you need to reduce yourself to get a GF, and if they are stupid, then you have reduce yourself again altogether and it hardly becomes worth it. however society doesn't trust a young healthy male who has been single for this long, nor do other women, so you are kinda damned if you do damned if you don't. there are smart women out there, but most fo the ones I have found don't what relationships (probably for the very reasons I listed,) or are in a relationship with a really good guy and you don't want to f**k that up for either of them.

the whole thing just feels like a mess, and again, this could probably be more balance if the road was both ways and girls made the moves as well at the guys, but that always seems to be asking way to much.


When you say that sir, do you mean conforming in regards to 'being an a55hºle', conforming in regards to 'fitting in' with society and being considered 'normal', or both?

Because if both I'd still have to agree with that. And yeah, seems like the non-conformists and others who would accept your aspergers and maybe reject social and cultural norms themselves are unavailable in some way, or simply not interested in a relationship.

I'm going through a personal example myself right now. I am a social aspie and hang out with lots of female acquaintances/friends my age at school, very non-conformist/unique outlooks on the world, almost all of them unavailable. The only one that truly is available is my ex. :skull: :skull: :skull: There is also one other, but she is as far in my own personal 'friendzone' as any female can be. The concept of the 'friendzone' isn't limited to just females and I do feel I have every right to have one - some people you naturally see as friends and nothing more. But either way, seems regardless of even if I have been trying to meet new people and put myself out there, there's no females my age available.

And, due to high school nearly ending and the fact that I will be moving away to a new place anyway, meeting females in public, at groups, clubs, or other such events are some of my only options. So, got to keep an eye out for when things are mutual. But sometimes even when things are, I simply don't get the chance (not enough time, inappropriate time/place, I'm with my family or she's with her family so it's inappropriate to approach, etc.)

I'm honestly getting sick and tired of waiting. Like I said i could approach a female once things are mutual and i get a green light, it's just waiting for the low, low 0.01% probability of: 1. Things being mutual between me and a girl my age. 2. Us having the opportunity to chat each other up and have 'alone' time away from whoever the other people we are with. 3. The time to chat each other up before one of us is leaving. 4. Other/etc. I did come close once though.

I could simply approach a female even if she's with her friends, so long as things are clearly mutual between me and her, but it's far too intimidating and you get judged like a piece of meat by her friends.

Which brings you back to the whole 'conformity' argument - people are most comfortable with familiarity and conformity. I'd think it would be harder to introduce yourself to and chat-up even a unique and non-conformist female if her not-so-unique friends influence her opinion of you due to them not liking your 'out there' behavior.



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27 Sep 2015, 8:37 am

Outrider wrote:
SwissPagan wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Why are some women attracted to trouble-makers and ex-cons?

They must be stupid, in my opinion.

What kind of man wants a stupid girlfriend?

Men who know that smart women will have nothing to do with them.


but that begs the question, you want to have a GF, but you don't want to conform to the shitty standard you need to reduce yourself to get a GF, and if they are stupid, then you have reduce yourself again altogether and it hardly becomes worth it. however society doesn't trust a young healthy male who has been single for this long, nor do other women, so you are kinda damned if you do damned if you don't. there are smart women out there, but most fo the ones I have found don't what relationships (probably for the very reasons I listed,) or are in a relationship with a really good guy and you don't want to f**k that up for either of them.

the whole thing just feels like a mess, and again, this could probably be more balance if the road was both ways and girls made the moves as well at the guys, but that always seems to be asking way to much.


When you say that sir, do you mean conforming in regards to 'being an a55hºle', conforming in regards to 'fitting in' with society and being considered 'normal', or both?

Because if both I'd still have to agree with that. And yeah, seems like the non-conformists and others who would accept your aspergers and maybe reject social and cultural norms themselves are unavailable in some way, or simply not interested in a relationship.

I'm going through a personal example myself right now. I am a social aspie and hang out with lots of female acquaintances/friends my age at school, very non-conformist/unique outlooks on the world, almost all of them unavailable. The only one that truly is available is my ex. :skull: :skull: :skull: There is also one other, but she is as far in my own personal 'friendzone' as any female can be. The concept of the 'friendzone' isn't limited to just females and I do feel I have every right to have one - some people you naturally see as friends and nothing more. But either way, seems regardless of even if I have been trying to meet new people and put myself out there, there's no females my age available.

And, due to high school nearly ending and the fact that I will be moving away to a new place anyway, meeting females in public, at groups, clubs, or other such events are some of my only options. So, got to keep an eye out for when things are mutual. But sometimes even when things are, I simply don't get the chance (not enough time, inappropriate time/place, I'm with my family or she's with her family so it's inappropriate to approach, etc.)

I'm honestly getting sick and tired of waiting. Like I said i could approach a female once things are mutual and i get a green light, it's just waiting for the low, low 0.01% probability of: 1. Things being mutual between me and a girl my age. 2. Us having the opportunity to chat each other up and have 'alone' time away from whoever the other people we are with. 3. The time to chat each other up before one of us is leaving. 4. Other/etc. I did come close once though.

I could simply approach a female even if she's with her friends, so long as things are clearly mutual between me and her, but it's far too intimidating and you get judged like a piece of meat by her friends.

Which brings you back to the whole 'conformity' argument - people are most comfortable with familiarity and conformity. I'd think it would be harder to introduce yourself to and chat-up even a unique and non-conformist female if her not-so-unique friends influence her opinion of you due to them not liking your 'out there' behavior.



"When you say that sir, do you mean conforming in regards to 'being an a55hºle', conforming in regards to 'fitting in' with society and being considered 'normal', or both?"

depending on where you are, sometimes it is one and the same, and you being a naturally nicer person labels you as "weak" by guys and girls.

"And yeah, seems like the non-conformists and others who would accept your aspergers and maybe reject social and cultural norms themselves are unavailable in some way, or simply not interested in a relationship."

that is kinda the problem, the pool of people like that is small, not the mention male aspies occur more often than female, so once again, numbers are not on your side.

"I'm honestly getting sick and tired of waiting. Like I said i could approach a female once things are mutual and i get a green light, it's just waiting for the low, low 0.01% probability of:"

that's the other side of things and grants a huge disadvantage to anyone with ethics, and a huge advantage to those without. personally i can't ask a stranger out because I can't be comfortable with someone I don't know. (and if you try to be friends first to build up your own comfort level before going anywhere further, you are dubbed "nice guy," which is stigmatized, so... f**k me then...) then there is the f*****g "hitting on" science that I really hate becasue it is degrading to the girl and you, because its so stupid. and the worst thing is, its creepy or its not purely based on if the hittie is already attracted to the hitter, which you have no f*****g way of knowing. so yeah, another unappealing minefield that only favor a sociopath can conquer and often does.

" I'd think it would be harder to introduce yourself to and chat-up even a unique and non-conformist female if her not-so-unique friends influence her opinion of you due to them not liking your 'out there' behavior."

I am trying to remedy that, thankfully I am in a setting now where I am clearly foreign and not expected to conform, because they find my natural state more interesting, but again, no one in my age group that I can meet, and there is a language barrier to contend with. but really, where do you go to meet people these days? I mean back at home, I would take a bonfire party or a HFH build any-day over going to a bar, but there is none of that here.



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27 Sep 2015, 8:50 am

Exactly, one thing about hitting on and chatting women up is, like you say, they just might not be attracted to you are first.

It becomes a sort of 'game' where instead of her already being attracted to you, you have to prove to her you are attractive. So charismatic and confident males can use their charm and funniness and good looks to prove themselves.

I have been called charming, confident etc. myself but like you said I do have standards.

It really can be creepy for random males to approach random females purely on the basis that he is going to try and 'impress' her to try and 'win' a date/hook-up/whatever.

This really is why I want to try and just wait for something mutual. It doesn't have to even be verbal language, but if I get the slightest hint a female is attracted to me, i.e. possible flirting or those kind of 'looks', then I'll go ahead.

Plus, even when I do get to that stage, I don't want to have to try and 'impress' her and 'win' her attention like she is a prize to be won. Just normal, casual/polite conversation, maybe some flirting here and there when the opportunities see fit, and then ask out on a date.

I'm a bit more loose in that if I talk to a female for a little bit and like what I see so far, then I would ask her out on a date or ask for contact details, but it's understandable if someone else wouldn't be comfortable.

One thing I know I couldn't do is really do go out with a stranger or get their contact details without even a decent conversation. I'm talking about when two people only flirt/chat-up, no form of actual genuine conversation and then exchange numbers or plan a date. I need to know if we at least have some apparent personality chemistry first, not just 'you're good looking, I'm good looking, let's go out'. Obviously that's just too shallow and superficial.

Ways to meet people? I was hoping someone else knew the answer to that. Unfortunately it really does just seem to get harder the older you get.



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27 Sep 2015, 9:20 am

yeah, the pick up artist culture is the f*****g worse and I really hate the women encourage it. (I mean seriously, the guys are open as f**k about NOT respecting the girls who they pick up, so like... the hell...)

but as you said, if a girl MADE the first move, fine that would let me know its perfectly fine to move forward with things, but till then, there is no way of knowing and it is too much or a stresser to force yourself into a situation that has a huge chance for being a disaster for both parties.

I think the worst about PUAs is that literally the shittiness of getting a date and hoops you have to jump are so out a control, there are f*****g industries built around just getting dates. now one would think women would be insulted that things have gotten this far, but no, they just conform to the idea, so once again f**k me...

the game s**t jsut seems like the worst, especially 'hard to get'

"So charismatic and confident males can use their charm and funniness and good looks to prove themselves."

that is the problem though... you can have all that, but lack confidence and everything else is invalidated.
and where do you get your confidence? past success! wheres your success? ....

its such bullshit... this is why when I am with a girl I can talk forever about nearly any academic topic at length and in detail for ever, but its defense, anything to avoid the conversation turning to me. because the question are always the same, and they are killers.