What do Aspies want in relationships?

Post Reply New Topic

In another thread I had mentioned how I wanted affection, compliments on my appearance, and my wife to find me attractive, and several people said those are the things that NTs want in relationships. They made it sound like Aspies wouldn't want those things. I can understand that some Aspies might have problems with the physical affection due to sensory issues, but overall that left my kind of confused. What would Aspies want in a relationship instead? Why would our needs for a relationship be different than those for NTs. I do understand the need for companionship, compatibility and things like that in relationships also and I do think those are important. In some ways, though, I would think companionship wouldn't rate all that high for Aspies given that many of us tend to be loners.

I think this differs between Aspies, mostly depending on which neurodiverse and neurotypical traits they have, so there is no one answer to that.

Personally, I think companionship and hugs is all I need in a relationship. I don't want sex or compliments. I value sincere affection, but I don't require it.

Probably most of the same things NTs want--except maybe a little less sensory input from another person, and more opportunities for privacy.

It honestly just varies from person to person. Even some NT's want the things that most aspie's would want in a relationship because of who they are or because of events that shaped them. After all it is a crazy little thing called love

I don't think what we want out of our relationships depends on whether we're ASD or neurotypical, people like to throw that word around causally a lot these days. It has to do with the individual and what they want.

Like stated before me, it really depends on the person.

For me personally, what I want in a relationship is a companion and activity partner, as well as someone who understands that while I appreciate physical affection and intimacy, it's not something I go out of my way to either give or seek. I tend prefer giving and showing affection through complements, inside jokes and offers of assistance or company.

Thanks for the suggestions so far. It is nice to hear that maybe we aren't so different than NTs in relationships. I don't know why the people on the other thread kept accusing me of wanting NT things in my marriage, like there was something wrong with that. I think it would be hard to be married to or in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you attractive. I hope that never happens in my marriage.

Affection, cuddles, hand holding, tons of hugs and kisses, lots of sex,

Companionship : someone to do stuff with like walk together or go camping

So I guess a best friend who we also do touching since only my gf/wife would be allowed to touch me

Wanting affection, sex, commonality, etc, is not "NT."

The vast majority of people crave similar things when it comes to love and relationships, no matter their neurological makeup.

Someone who likes metal as much as I do, and doesn't think its 'stupid' to be really into it and outwardly express it. To have someone to spend time with and do fun activities with like camping, perhaps exploring cool places around the mountains, going to concerts, checking out micro-breweries....but also its important we can enjoy each others company when we don't have something super cool or entertaining to do. Of course since I enjoy the cannabis, ideally I want to have someone to enjoy it with. Not into excessive amounts of sex, like can't see myself doing that multiple times a day like I hear some couples do. And yeah basically a companion I feel comfortable being intimate with.

Companionship, somebody that actually likes me and enjoys my company. Somebody I can just talk to, I don't really seek console from my parent's anymore since I don't live at home and they're so busy so maybe emotional support is the word. Somebody just to do stuff with would be cool, I don't really do fun things on my own since it depresses me doing it on my own and there a lot of places I'd to go and experience that I just won't on my own. I like the idea of having a family one day, I feel like it would give me a purpose and motivate me. I hate doing things for myself but I like to help people, I turn into a different person almost when I disconnect from my usual self. I think deep down I'm a people pleaser, I want love and approval like everyone does.

I mostly wanted companionship, affection, emotional support, someone to spend alot of time with instead of being by myself, love, someone who understands me, someone who's a better person with me & likes/needs emotional support.

It is good to see that some people don't think we are so different in terms of what we want in relationships. Here are some of the comments from the other tread that makes it sound like NTs are very different from us:

1." i may comment on my husband's appearance once a month. i am much more likely to comment on his agreeableness or his awesome writing skills. i don't think he cares about these comments as long as i continue to treat him well.
Right. That's how I am too. That IS the neurodiverse preferences, and the OP is behaving like an NT."

2. "It only appears that you are complaining about NT issues (intimacy, compliments), while at the same time claiming your wife is NT. From my perspective, it reminds me of NT wives complaining about their Aspie husbands, only the genders are reversed."

3. "Kissing (especially tongue kissing) is an NT-trait"

These are some of the things that made it sound like NTs want different things from us.

One month after having this "serious discussion" with my wife (as referenced on the other thread) she still hasn't commented on my appearance at all. Now I am still left wondering if she still finds me physically attractive or not. The other day I asked her if she still found me attractive, but I didn't word it right. I don't know if she is attracted to my paycheck, my intelligence, the lifestyle I have given her or what. I never guessed that marriage could be this confusing. How F**** hard is it to tell someone you (supposedly) love once in a while that they look good or you find them hot, or something like that. I am telling my wife that all of the time.

I want someone to know me and really like me. I want someone who can support me emotionally and practically. I want someone who I can respect and cherish. I don't really care about sex except as an expression of love. I enjoy touch, gifts, service, and cuddling as shows of affection. I think basically I want a best friend who I can have sex with.