"I love you" not returned

Post Reply New Topic

Wow, I feel like an idiot.

I told a boyfriend of only about five months that I loved him this morning and he got a deer-in-the-headlights look, was silent for a moment, and finally said, "Well, I think I'm on my way to falling in love with you," but even that seemed a little forced.

We've only been dating for a short time, but it seemed right at the moment and I honestly thought he would reciprocate. I totally misjudged the situation and am now taking an inventory of everything in general, wondering if I have misjudged a lot of other things, too, and have been trying to force something that may not be right.

I've never been the one to go first with an "I love you" before and I don't think I'll be doing it again any time too soon. Guess I really should have thought it out more. Has anyone else ever had a similar experience?

Does your bf have AS? Either way, I think the lack of a return is more related to an aversion to say such important words lightly, rather than to any aversion towards you, though I don't know enough to say definitively. I'd give it some time and some space, and suspend judgement in the meantime.

I have never told a girl that except one time during sex that I forced myself to say it. Saying those words is an important milestone in a relationship. He may actually really love you but just not ready to go to that level yet. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I would just wait a while before saying it again, or wait and see if he will say it eventually.

Hi,

I wouldn't take it too hard. I just wanted to come out here and reiterate what others have said. If he's on the Spectrum, He might be having trouble expressing himself, or he might still be trying to sort out what he is feeling. it is hard for many to express emotions, though they feel emotions quite strongly, which is the reason why Neurtipical people mistakenly think they do not feel. That couldn't be further from the truth! I would give him some time, and be patient with him. Perhaps, you can look for his I love you's in the things he does instead. That's what I do.

Saying "I love you" to someone does not obligate them to saying anything in response, or to even acknowledge that they've heard you.

Also, "I love you", when said to a man, sounds like "I own you / You are mine". It is a term of commitment (not endearment), which, to a man, means loss of independence in thought, deed, and action.

Most men also learn (eventually) that they had better respond immediately with the correct words, the correct expression, and the correct intonation, or there will be Hell to pay later.

So, if you were expecting perfect responses from him, then you had better learn to deal with disappointment. Men don't know what women really want (as a general rule), except that something a woman says may not contain the literal meaning of what the spoken words impart.

Finally, he is a man, not a woman. He is not likely to have learned any of the social subtleties that seem to come instinctively to women. Do not expect him to respond to your words in the same way that men in the movies, on TV, and in those romance novels respond - those men are fictional characters, and they are only following the script of what the writers want them to say.

Otherwise, good luck!

***

C minus 99 and counting.

Difficult to judge, but try to be very obviously relaxed about the relationship - like, let him know that you aren't arranging a marriage and picking out cots, so to speak. Maybe he is just enjoying spending time with you and then you said "love" and he's never thought seriously about it. But this is about trying to predict what is going on in somebody's head so it's all speculation

Sorry this happened. I think your feelings are very understandable and I'm surprised he would have a "deer in the headlights" look. Maybe it's just me, but five months doesn't necessarily seem so soon for someone to feel love, and if you're dating for months then he must expect a moment like this to occur at some point. It's not like it was only five weeks. I could understand him saying he's not quite ready to say that yet, or giving a more specific, nuanced response. His response doesn't sound very considerate. Have you talked with him about how you feel about what happened?

I wouldn't feel like you've necessarily done something wrong. You were honest and direct about your feelings, which is a good quality. It's up to him to respect your feelings and communicate back--he's an adult. Perhaps he was just scared at the time and will talk more later, or perhaps he's immature. I don't think you did the wrong thing, though, if that's how you felt.

Hmm, well if he said that seems like maybe he's just not 100% sure how he feels yet and just isn't ready to take the step of saying that. Also maybe he's never experienced a relationship where his girlfriend told him that...that could maybe explain some of the shock. If he didn't get up and leave or angrily tell you he has no feelings for you then that is a good sign I think. How were things after this incident, like is he acting much different or not really?

Thanks, guys. But, we actually wound up breaking up earlier this week over something unrelated. So, I guess it wasn't meant to be anyhow.

I have a feeling that it's not totally unrelated....

I have a feeling, your feeling is right...

I have a feeling, that your feeling about my feeling, is sincere...

I have a feeling that both of your feelings are right.

My gossipy half wants to beg you for more information, blueroses.
My logical half wants me to tell you all of my experiences related to the word "love," and its many connotations. I'm going to look for a middle ground here and say:

Everyone defines the word "love" in a slightly different way, sometimes very different. I read your post twice and still cannot pinpoint what his reaction meant. The fact that you broke up anyway does nothing but leave a bunch of loose ends for me to ask about. It's a juicy backstory that I have yet to dig into.

I, personally, am usually the person who drops the L-bomb too early, which I've spent years trying to adjust. Nowadays, I adjust this by telling everyone I love them, EXCEPT for my lover. With that person, I usually wait until I see an indicator of their own love for me. Even then, I usually wait until a year or more into the relationship. Even then, it's hard. With my most recent relationship, we dropped L-bombs all over each other, and then still ended up having a fight. Her last words to me this week were "You have yourself a nice day now."

I don't think that was love. But we sure did both use the word a lot. What a mess.