Found out Husband Lying to Me

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On August 25th, 2015 my 2 and 1/2 year old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia, ALL t-cell. My life was shattered that day. A part of me died in that ER room as I sat with my daughter, who was happily playing next to me, as the doctor entered the room and asked if my husband was close by. I knew immediately it was not good news. Then the ER doctor said the words "leukemia" and I spent the next two weeks in the hospital with my daughter, at her bed, to the point that my body ached from lack of use.

My daughter has been responding well to treatment. It is a month and 1/2 later, and things are looking great. But because of the leukemia diagnoses, I have required a lot more from my husband. Unfortunately, because of this extra attention I require and extra attention I have been giving him, like obsessively extra -- I am depressed and distraught, and I meant it when a part of me died in that ER room. All I want is support and love. But now -- I have found out that Adam, my husband, has been secretly messaging a woman from work. He sends her secret messages, hides in secret chat rooms that erase everything after he's done talking, sends secret emails, makes secret plans without me, leaves me alone with our daughter at home while going out with friends like life is normal. He doesn't tell me things, has password protection on everything, obsessively, beyond just one password, but multiple ones for his phone and facebook and email that are extra safeguards against me accidentally seeing anything. Because he used to let me use his phone when I nursed our daughter, and my phone ran out of battery, i asked to use his to play games on. Now he won't even let me know the code to open the phone.

He does not love this girl. I know he doesn't, I know he's not cheating on me with her. I believe he has feelings for her, strong ones. Perhaps wishful thinking, though I am unsure if that is the correct interpretation of him. Perhaps a crush? He has Asperger's. Formally diagnosed by Tony Attwood himself (my husband is from Australia) when my husband was a child.

I cannot for the life of me fathom why he is hiding anything from me. I have never snooped until two weeks ago, when I began to question his callous and cold behavior towards his daughter's diagnoses, and his utter lack of support for me during his horrible nightmare that I feel I am in (and I told him as much).

I found that my husband has been doing things with this girl that I have asked him to do with me over the years, since we were dating, that he hasn't "bothered" to do with or for me yet. Fun things, separate from what he and i do together, that he does with this other girl like going out to special places (without telling me), being together (and he lies and hides it from me), laughing at nothing (which he refuses to share with me, to the point he rages at me for wanting to know), all of that which he has not felt the need to do with me. Is it because we're married and he doesn't feel the need to put effort into our marriage? Does he feel the deal is done and we're married, and he doesn't have to continue to make me love him? All I feel is neglect.

He screams at me. I do not yell. I come from a quiet family, small, my parents treated me with kindness, a wonderful and loving home. He screams at me to the point that I have developed anxiety attacks. Full blown anxiety attacks, shaking, crying, unable to catch my breath, heart pounding itself into an early grave, anxiety attacks. He says he's trying not to scream at me anymore. He yelled at me today because I found out yet more that he has been keeping secret from me. He was mad that I found it. Blamed me for being insecure.

That is his go to response to me -- I am "freaking out" and "insecure".

I take care of everything at home. I manage our money, pay the bills, take care of our daughter, make sure the cars get serviced on time, cook, clean, do all the paper work for everything, taxes, daughter's doctor visits, his doctor's visits, shopping, Holiday events, laundry, etc. Anything you can think of, I do. I quit my job when our daughter was born, but I was supposed to start my doctorate while she was little, Adam was unable to take care of our baby while I studied, so I had to stop and withdraw from classes to take care of her. Adam has no fatherly instinct, which upset me, but I've come to terms with. Adam and I had agreed I would stop working while taking care of our daughter -- this was agreed upon while we were dating. I am terrified of child molesters and abusers, and sex traffickers, etc., I couldn't leave her helpless in a stranger's care, and Adam liked that about me. Now he blames me for not having a job like him.

My question to those who may understand Adam's brain in ways that I can't seem to: Why is he hiding a plain friendship with a girl from me? Why lie to me straight face, eyes locked with mine, lie about her to me? Why the passwords and secrets?

I would say your husband should provide better support for you in general. And especially since your little girl has leukemia. I hope he is not cold to your daughter, too.

I think the remission/cure rate is really high with childhood leukemia.

I hope you two can come together. Your daughter needs you both.

Do you know when this relationship started? It could be that he is reacting badly to the stress of your daughter being so sick and your being extra needy, and dealing with it in a destructive fashion.

I think that friends of the opposite sex are OK when someone is married, sometimes. But it is never OK to be secretive about it. All of those things need to be well-known to the spouse.

It sounds like you two need some marriage counseling. You are going through a very rough time dealing with the leukemia, and that ALONE, never mind your husband's secretive behavior, would make it reasonable to need outside support where you can talk it out with someone who can offer some objective wisdom. If your husband refuses to go, I recommend you go alone. One spouse getting help can make a difference. I'm not sure what a marriage counselor would advise you to do, so I suggest seeking a professional.

I agree with Nerdygirl. Probably a marriage counselor would be good at this point.

But in the meantime, the guy should do more. He should help you manage the finances, for example.

I wish there was some way I could help... I will pray for you and your family, Squall. All my love!