What's wrong with me to feel this?

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Hi.
I'm a new member.
Though I've read some topics here several months before I decided to register and post my own story.
I've been feeling that I have something different than other ppl around me.
It's something I couldn't explain.
Yet, I never been to see any psychiatrist about this. But I have a feeling that I have 'something' too. And that's another story...

[back to topic]
It was 1 year ago I met this guy.
He was a foreign exchange student at my uni.
(u guys may smell some disaster scent from here)

I was attracted to him at first sight when he walked by.
First , there was a whisper 'Cute!' In my head.
But I didnt really pay attention to it since I thought it just a physical attraction that casually happen and will gone soon.
So I forgot about him.

Then week later, he appeared to be an exchange stydent at my department.

That day, it was around 12:40
I was finishing my lunch by drinking water.

I nearly choke when I saw him walked with a cup of coffee to sit in next 2 sofas opposite to me.
Gosh . That's cute person!!
It was unbelievable!!
It was like fate to see him again!

Now I felt like I was gonna faint
but I tried to keep myself control.

(Ps. I never have bf before, and I was always ignore my this kind of feeling for previous persons. It was always easy to forget.)

I had a feeling that I have to decide quickly
whether I will go for it or not.
Within that rush second ,
my head whisper to me
' do now or else I won't know him forever '

And that I walked nearby him
but tried to pretend that i dont see him.

Finally, there was someone knew him.
and that he introduced him to me
cuz fortunately the cute person will join the evening event organized by my team.

He quickly sprang up from the sofa.
Stood up straight
and reached his hand to me.
'Hello, nice to meet you.'

His hand was very very soft
that I felt my hand was too rough to be a female's.

He smiled to me.
I felt the world has stopped
I could be freezed there seeing his smile forever.

It was the pure smile I ever seen.
It was bland taste.
It was light color, light sky blue and grayish
with a soft cloud-like touch.
It was around 24 degree celcius.
Calm, humble but confident in itself.
Very nice and lovely.

I felt my eyes opened wide
to catch all this precious time

(Look back I think
i must b looked very shock at him
and might be stood there with super dilated pupils)

Then I held back
I needed to get myself together
So I shutted my eyes from that
Calmly smiled and greeted back
'Nice to meet you'

I started to like him more and more
i can say
' I was totally crazy about him'

I was always love freedom
and didn't think about having a boyfriend
I never understand why ppl were all about matching and having bf and so on.

But for this person
I felt if only he asked me to be his gf,
I would definitely say yes.

I thought of him everytime I breath
(I can say that i was all the time)
i couldnt get him out of my head.
I read all about every info about his country I could find on the net.
I wanted to know him more.
Yet, it was nerve wrecking to speak with him in person.
So I messaged him like 2 pages of essay nearly everyday lol
(Like a psycho girl- and that's a no-no)

But after all I always thought
and tried to convince my self that
he never felt the same as me

Even though,
many of times I felt
he was interested in me too.
Sometime he looked like a bit 'flirty(?)' with me.
I'm not sure. I'm not familiar with male.
but sometime I felt that...

I tried to be convinced
that he felt nothing,
he was just nice to me.
He was friendly ,that's all.

But sometime it didnt work.
And i was completely lose in dreamy world.

I knew I had to get myself back in time before he went back to his home.

i didnt wan to hurt.

I didn't want to be 'a girl who desperately wants a bf, who can wait forever, who is available for him all the time. And the worst may b a girl who is ready for him to play and dump at any time because he gained her for FREE.'

And the time came.

I sicked after he went back home.
I missed him as much as I hated him.
(there were lots of misunderstood happened and that I hated him without knowing that it was just a conflict)
I lost weight and had headache nearly all the time.

I was struggling to get over the feeling.
I tried to stop messaging him started with 3 days to 1 week , then 2 weeks.
The days passed slowly ,
they tortured me bitterly.
I felt I was dying.

After was tired from stop talking
I thought of another faster way

I tried to make him hate me, scold me
and that we will completely break.

by messaged him heavily (since he said he was very busy, but i didnt believe him. Which has just turned out that it was true and now i understand him right)
and criticized his appearance.
called him lazy and nerd.

Disappointly, he didn't fight back.

And I liked him a bit more for this.

And that
I felt i had nothing to lose anymore
I would do anything to make this feeling stopped.

Finally, I gave my last try.
I confessed to him
that I had ' a distorted feeling towards him
which I knew it didnt supposed to happen.'

and I wondered if the things i did to him
was troubling him.
but he said he didnt angry at all

He said he understood my feeling
and said nothing but
' Are we cool?'
( Actually I didnt understand this ,
but I thought it was kind of a nice refuge. Because I expected it.)

Then I stopped message him completely.
and of course to him who previously messege back very few.

I felt the war was over.
Only silence remained.
Everyday seemed black and white.

I tried to get myself busy with other things
sometime I thought of him
but the frequence has gradually less and less as time pass.

It's been 1 year and about 2 months now.

With the help of intership.

I feel a lot better.
I have many things i enjoy.
I sometime think of him,
but don't hurt much like before.

We now have 2 mutual friends.
And the one of these 2 is a good friend of mine. We met each other and get along well.

I'm not sure if this good friend knows about me and him or not.
But she tells me a lot about him.
And of course, I try to cover the excitement when she's talking.

I don't want to keep it a secret from her.
I want to be sincere.
But i'm not sure and it will be awkward if she knows.

2 weeks ago,
I suddenly thought of him very much.
I didnt know what happened with myself.

Then day later ,
I chatted with the good friend like usual,
and she suddenly brought topic about him that he now has a girlfriend.

Strangely, I didn't hurt
I wanted him to be happy.

The good friend also said
she doesnt like his new gf much
because the gf's personallity.

I'm not sure if that affects any of my feeling or not....

Now I start thinking of him again
Everyday for nearly 1 week now

I scare of myself
why am I attracted to him that much?
He isn't in a definition of hottie or handsome guy.

And 1 year has passed now
I still think of him dearly
It's like I completely believe that he's a good person without knowig him well.
Fall for him without condition.

And that scared me off very much.

-Do you guys have any advice?

-Is this normal for a person who has some condition related to Autism spectrum?
(Anyway, i'm not sure if i have it as i mentioned above)

-Is it because I have 'something'?

Now I feel very lonely
incredible lonely
What's wrong with me?

Sometime I can't sleep
because I feel lonely
sometime i think of him

Thank you for reading my long blabering.

I want to give you guys some background about the person and my condition.
Because this is my first time asking this kind of question public.
So I hope I wrote it clear and easy
for you guys to help me figure out whats wrong with me.

Best wish,
Daisy

It seems like you are infatuated by an ideal scenario or fantasy you have created and this man is a source of your escapism. What you are feeling is perfectly normal infatuation for someone at your age..the best way to counter is to exercise and increase your social circle and encounters.

Although, I wonder why he would express his discontent with his current girlfriend, could it be a hint or proposal?

Thank you Nocturnus for kind reply
I felt better when I saw a word 'perfectly normal '. : D

I agree with you
It looks like I like to fantasize too much!
hahaha

Hmmm..
He didn't express anything about his gf.
It was his friend who told me the news.
They are good friends living in the same town.
She doesn't like his new gf

You are very welcome.

Being analytical and obsessive is a common trait for people on the spectrum, sometimes we can allow it to consume our emotions and fantasies. It is hard to let people go and focus our attention on what is attainable but sometimes we must to progress and grow.

I see.
You are right Nocturnus
I have to move on and grow up

I'm not sure if I understand the whole you are trying to tell me. But I try to understand it.

I've read about this kind of thing before
I thought I understood and would be fine
if it happened with myself.

But actually i'm not.

And I think It  needs someone to listen to me and emphasizely tell me;
hey you are having this!
how about trying this!?
( I try talking with my friends in real life, but as I said above. I believe there's some deeply different between us.)

And you help me a lot
(Even though you might think it's just little words , but to me it helps a lot really)

to understand it completely
I think it needs some time... may be

I'll try your advises first
I'll try jogging 3 times a week
(Even though I'm lazy to exercise..
but if there's benefit to solve my too much dreamy behavior, I'll try ; w ; )

Thank you for giving me kind advises
and for reading my eyes-tortouring lengthy post.

I think I got the answer now thanks to you

So I'm thinking of deleting this post.
I think it's embarassing to see my post appears around. Haha

But I don't want to destroy your kindness by deleting it without informing.
So please say something that you already read this reply.
If you are busy, I'll delete this on the next day, okay?. : D

Thank you!!
: D : D : D
(Ps. Even my reply is long too!)

I'm glad that I could help you in some way, unrequited love is never easy. The thoughts of obsession will lose power over time if you distract yourself and focus on other people and interests.

We have all been in your situation or boat at some point or another so I am sure many people relate.

All the best.

All I can say is thank you
.....
but hey I can't find 'delete' button...
Where is it? O_O
or the post can't be deleted????

interesting to see that wolf is back...

anyway, I always wondered how people can just casually ignore and be so oblivious to when meeting people. To me, it's difficult to act in like I haven't seen the person. I know who the person is, so why must I fake it, like I've never seen them before?

You are experiencing a normal feeling. It is the feeling that you still do have some feelings for him. Keep it moving forward and don't look back. Tell yourself that a few years from now you will look back at this all and laugh. Also, you will probably like someone new soon anyway.

This is something else I was going to add. Go out to meet different people. Try to force yourself not to think about him. . . Although that is really difficult and you might as well leave that to time.

What you are feeling is normal. You have feelings for this guy but things didn't work out. Unfortunately you can't control your feelings for someone. When things don't work out, it hurts very badly.