Obsessed with a potential partner.

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Hello friends,

About 5 years ago, at the age of 24, I was diagnosed with AS. I've done a ton of thinking, and evaluating myself in that time since, but I never did do therapy, but there's one thing that always vexed me.

It seems that a few of the girls I've been interested in became a "special interest" to a point....I couldn't do anything but think about them constantly, and became obsessed with them to where I scared them away. I'm dealing with such an obsession now, but it's a little different than it's been in the past, and wanted to get your insights.

The girl I'm interested in now, I've been acquainted with for 7-8 years. Back in 2008, I used to see her walking her dog on the sidewalk in front of the coffee shop I frequent. I always found her so mysterious, and interesting; I would later find out why, but in typical aspie fashion, I could never work up the nerve to try to talk to her...so I always admired her from afar. Sometimes I'd say hi to her as she walked by, and chat for a few minutes. Eventually we did become friends on facebook, and would talk sporadically, but nothing that ever really went beyond stilted, awkward small talk. I couldn't get her out of my head....I was really obsessed with the 60s at the time (still am), and she wore white cats eye glasses, so in a way, she sort of became a visual metaphor for that particular interest, if you will. I've been obsessed with her that whole time....and while I have dated other girls, and been in relationships over that period, I never did get her out of my head or stop thinking about her.

I recently found out that she too is an Aspie. I don't know if that's why I was attracted to her initially, but I distinctly remember this strange feeling coming over me the first time I met her. Maybe somehow I knew she was one back then, although I hadn't been diagnosed at that point. I knew I was different, and socially awkward, but I didn't actually know what was up with me. But I digress..

Fast forward to last week. She commented on a picture of my old 1961 Mercury that I had posted on Facebook. About two years ago, she had said something to me "I wouldn't mind getting to know you." but I never followed-through on it because my life was relatively tumultuous at the time. Keeping that in mind, I said that I wanted to take her up on her prior offer, which she readily accepted. And so, we started talking, eventually decided to meet during the long-weekend to hang out.

We met on Monday evening for beer at the local watering hole, talked about her job, my job, nothing in particular. Now because I had this itch to tell her how I felt about her, I broke down and said, "I need to be honest with you about something....I've pretty much had a huge crush on you for the last 7-8 years." She responded that she had a boyfriend, and had been seeing him for just as long. But....she seemed receptive to me, like she didn't exactly say "no". Maybe more like "Not now, but let's see how things go as time goes on."

After about an hour at the bar, she asked if I'd like to come hang out at her house, I said yes. A female friend of hers joined us at the bar, and we drove over to her house. Spent about an hour there playing with her cats and dog, drinking beer, passing the pipe around, and shooting the s**t. Her friend then suggested we go to her condo complex, and swim in the hot tub. Did that, and ended up giving her a ride home. When she got out of my car, she said to me "I had a great time tonight, thank you. goodnight.", and she gave me a big hug. I felt all warm and fuzzy after that. da feels.

I noticed over the course of the night she would get closer and closer to me. As if she was warming up to me. She had been somewhat standoffish up until that point. She didn't even hug me when we met at the bar. So part of me feels like I might be able to win her heart, maybe I'm reading too much into it, like always. What do you think?

Anyway....is this obsession just me, or is this pretty common for Aspies? There are only certain girls that I notice I've become "obsessed" with. The ones that I became obsessed with had similar personalities to me, as in introverted and rather quirky. Never dated another aspie though.

Thank you for your insights in advance.

It is pretty common, but by no means universal. Just enjoy it as much as you can. For me the best relationships always starts with an obsession and not by dating strangers. However, there are many potential problems too, but people can learn to deal with them.

A girl who is that "receptive" to you when she's got a boyfriend of 7-8 years is a girl who'd likely cheat on you too. Walk away.

What if she doesn't actually have a boyfriend though?

That's certainly possible. Girls lie about having boyfriends for various reasons.

Do you REALLY wanna be with a girl who lies about having a boyfriend? Who therefore might lie about not having a boyfriend?

If somebody says they've got a steady, walk away. Because you don't want to be chasing the taken girl either.

No! Don't walk away now!

No guarantees, but to me this looks like it could be the start of a fairy tale romance. Consider how the girl's behavior changed over the course of the evening. I think she saw something in the OP she's never seen before.

@OP, please provide updates if there are any!

Last edited by MaxE on 15 Oct 2015, 8:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

ahhh, the youthful trap of one-itis.

I had it too in highschool. Terrible affliction.

The problem is that one-itis stops you dead in your tracks from getting the girl of your dreams, because women can pick up unconscious pheromonal cues, and can literally "smell your desperation."

The best thing to do, is to try and find someone else, and be happy with them, and just stay friends with your obsession. If you're with another girl, then you won't obsess over the first one anymore.

Depends on why she lies about it. Some girls like about it in order for guys not to pursue them, and then I think it is legitimate.



That would hardly be the same thing, unless she indeed has a boyfriend.



I'd probably try to figure out if she has a boyfriend or not. Also, if she had a boyfriend for 7-8 years, there should be some signs of it, like a ring or something.

A wonderful thing, even much later than school.



Nahh, there are no such love-pheromones. It's all in the head of some people that don't know what they are talking about.



But the most rewarding relationships always start with a strong obsession. Just getting together with a friend or complete stranger is not at all rewarding. Might work if you only long for company, but it's not good for more than that.

Yes, I do obsess about certain women from time to time. That is happening to me right now, and this is the first time in probably 17 years or so that it has happened. I see this woman 3 to 4 times and week. Unfortunately this woman isn't my wife. I wish I would obsess about my wife this way. Guess that doesn't happen after you have been with someone for a while. This sure does make life complicated, but fun!

This is what I'm hoping to happen. Considering we've known each other for as long as we have, but never really did get to know the other person. It seems we've always been interested in each other to a point, but I was most likely oblivious to it back in 08 and 09. She has never really hung out with me in person; our interactions to this point have been on Facebook and via text, so her change in behavior over the night was exciting to say the least. Perhaps as you said, she saw something in me she hadn't seen before, simply because we had never hung out at length and actually gotten to know each other.

I just hope I'm not reading too much into it. But I haven't been wrong in the past when my intuition was sensing something.



Oh she does....as they share a house together. But their relationship has been on-and-off over the years, which makes me think I may have a chance. Maybe she'd take a break from him. Besides, her change in demeanor as the night progressed, and...


I appreciate the comments so far, I'm feeling really positive, but realistic about all this. Keep it coming

Part of me thinks it may be limerence....but then it gets confusing...how is limerence any different from the obsession an aspie gets? there seem to be a ton of parallels.

It isn't. Limerence / a crush causes the obsessive thoughts.

In my book, anybody that is in a relationship, is off limits. Sure, you can keep them as a option, if they ever do break up with their current partner, but I wouldn't do anything to break them up.

That's the general idea. Make myself visible, and available should things go south.

I have no plans whatsoever to sabotage their relationship. Out of respect for her. Besides, from what I have been told, the relationship has been somewhat rocky as of late, so it may end sooner than expected.