Could any 'effort' be really made to find a partner?

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Most encounters seem to be chance, certainly my first relationship was, and other than that, I assume, dating profiles could help... but any further 'effort'? Perhaps 'swiping', which would work if it's mutual? I don't see what else could be available... even if it's mutual, usually it requires effort from one or the other to initiate contact too, and I get so few messages often I'm sceptical if it so happens...

OP : Could Any 'Effort' Be Really Made To Find A Partner?

Yes. I believe so. Some of efforts can lead you to finding a partner.

Taking care of physical appearance can be one of them - This effort could let your potential partners approach you.

Met my current boyfriend online and am very happy with him. All previous bfs I'd met via chance in IRL. Both ways work.

You've got nothing to lose by trying online dating, especially if you stick to the free ones.

Many relationships are through social circles but online is becoming a popular method.

It depends on how much social anxiety you have..online can work very well to build initial comfort without having to worry about facial cues or body language.

IMHO, sir, how lucky you must be to be able to easily fall into relationships by chance.

As for the question 'Can any real 'effort' be made?' I believe the answer is yes, in fact the vast majority of aspies do put effort into finding a relationship and in fact have to, unless they don't want to end up alone.

I'm sorry but I just don't understand how anyone could possibly believe people don't have to put effort into their lives to get a relationship. Som people do so for manyyears and years only to see nothing.

Unless you only mean it yourself/personally. Even so, I suggest not taking it for granted and always find way to self-improve, like Draywer said a good start is improving on your health, looks and hygiene if you already don't eat healthy or are in shape now.

Capitalize on your rare advantage, don't be over-confident in your good fortune.

Aha!

So that's why you're peaceful lately and stopped hysterically insulting guys here.

Thank you, Katy's bf, I bow before you.

Nah. When I think of effort I think of putting effort into trying to "bump" into girls I like, not shallow things like looks.

You mean you try to accidentally bump into a girl who is to be at the same place already as you?

Maybe I should have used "run into" instead of "bump"? Like being at the same event as her, not as in seeking physical contact.

Yes, you know I do wonder about this! I mean- it almost seems impossible to meet people sometimes! Like... how to connect...
And furthermore, I am disgustingly shy... so much so I cause myself discomfort. I turn colors (pale, bright red, the "oh-I think-she-may-die-what-a-strange-shade-of-deep-red-this-girl-is-turning") and I stutter and shake....
It's quite the show really.
And then there was the memorable first time I was kissed, I literally ran away stimming.... because I was caught off guard and it terrified me. (not reading ANY signs ergo: terrified) And mind you that was when I really liked the person haha! and later super pumped about the whole scenario, but in the moment I flipped out.

I know, I know, I'm such a catch

So, the whole chance encounter thing is just... yeah..

There is a reason for that. That reason is to refrain us from talking to random strangers, and especially girls we fancy. It's not supposed to be "guy goes up to talk to girl" like it is for NTs. When we try to break the rules our brain sets we will stutter and shake, or become mute and many of us are not even able to walk up to the girl in the first place.

Part of this is also a natural feeling that we should put some effort into it, like flirting long-term with somebody or trying to figure out which events she will attend in order to see her regularly. When she does the same or reciprocates in other ways, we will get feelings for her.

Most NTs and also some NDs create attachment with sex, but many NDs create attachments by obsessing about a girl/guy instead. The "start having sex during dating" scenario doesn't lead to an attachment for those. Other things during dating could lead to obsessing about the person, but this could easily get out-of-sync with the other person.

There really is no sense in trying to copy the way NTs do relationships for those that doesn't work like that, as it won't work, and the result will not be satisfactory even if we succeed with the copycat.

*sigh*
I agree with this.
Sex can sort of mean something (with the right person), but honestly sex can also be meaningless too.
But like if that is the modus operandi of the dating world, then how in the hell is this whole dating thing supposed to work?
Acquaintances via work sounds awful if you date someone at work and then it ends in an ugly break-up.

Also, the dangerous thing (and I feel like this happens with a lot of AS guys/gals is that THEY become obsessed but their partner is just on the normal (whatever that is like) trajectory for relationships or whatever, small talk, what kind of music you like, blah blah blah, AND THEN making out and maybe sex. Whereas, aspies.... obsess and that can be very unhealthy.... : /
and turn into creepy stalkerishness.

Focus on creating a spiffy online dating profile and letting women show interest in you. For Aspie Guys, making the first move quite often goes nowhere. When we do get lucky it's because we befriend a woman and she drops hints or we get a msg online from a woman who's interested.

You can make more of an effort than I do, it just kind of feels pointless if I can't function as a normal person then it doesn't make much sense to me that somebody would be attracted to me. I am trying to become more functional but we all have our limits. I can't handle rejection, I'm too anxious and have too low of self esteem to be some hapless loser playing it by the numbers. I'll just be luck or nothing will happen ever.

No girl has ever initiated anything with me irl or online. If I hadn't been willing to go through hundreds of rejections, I'd still be a civilian virgin. Just waiting for things to happen? Only women can afford that luxury.

Last edited by realitypill on 08 Nov 2015, 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This.