Speak or write when asking an AS about love?

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Aiante
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21 Jun 2018, 10:10 am

I'm an NT who developed feelings for a guy, was puzzled by his (seemingly) erratical behaviour until someone with AS epxlained that he is most likely an Aspie as well.
Although AS is nothing to be taken lightly, I don't mind this - I'm epileptic and know that conditions are just that - you respect them, act accordingly, but don't let them define your life.

We've been talking a lot and have loose contact on social media. our private messages were only about rational stuff, while in our conversations he spoke about values, family, work. He seems to relax a little about me by now.
He's done some great things for me, and was very considerate. That and our lively conversations seem to indicate to me that he sees me as a friend at least.
However, he's been very reclusive of late, also generally quiet online, which could be need for some off-time or just being busy. I don't mind this since I learned a little about AS, now I know that it's just something he needs, not me having done anything to hurt him.

Still, after several months I need to know where I stand.
I know that I just can / have to ask about his feelings.
My friend recommended to write to him.
To me, that seems strange - if someone guards their feelings, as many Aspies seem to do, would they really answer truthfully in a written statement that could be shown to others?
On the other hand, I do understand that a direct confrontation might be too stressful.

It would be very helpful, if I could get some advice or explanations, why / if a written request would be better.

Disclaimer: to the best of anyone's guess, of course. I don't expect you to "know", you're just more qualified by ways of experience.

Thank you very much, and if any of you has a question regarding us NTs, please feel free to ask, I'll do my best to translate our language to you. :D



kraftiekortie
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21 Jun 2018, 10:15 am

Most of the time, saying something is better than writing something, in my opinion----especially when it comes to "affairs of the heart."

I don't believe even an Aspie girl would like it if a guy proposed to her over Email.



whatamievendoing
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21 Jun 2018, 11:58 am

I second Kraftie in that it's better if you inquire him about it face-to-face.


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hobojungle
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21 Jun 2018, 3:26 pm

Aiante wrote:
I need to know where I stand.


Meaning?



sly279
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21 Jun 2018, 3:42 pm

I prefer text based communication when it comes to talking about my emotions and such. That might change with a gf but i dont know, Men aren’t suppose to show emotion or weakness, so I feel super anxious and shut down when someone wants to verbally talk to me about it



rick42
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21 Jun 2018, 3:57 pm

You,being a NT women,I don't see how you would be in any relationship with a Aspie man.You have nothing in common with Aspie people at all.It's really makes no sense for neither you(as a NT Women) or him(as a Aspie man) to try to get into any relationship. Also NT people tend to be hateful towards Aspie people.



Aiante
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21 Jun 2018, 5:17 pm

Thank you all for your insights.

As for the meaning of 'needing to where I stand': it would make little sense to invest into a friendship the other party doesn't regard as such.

rick42, I am sorry that you made experiences that led you to assume that all NTs hate Aspies. Why would I? We just have different ways to process reality. It's a question of how much one is willing to invest into a relationship to make it work (see above). And I read a lot comments by people who are happy in their AS/NT relationship, so apparently it is possible.



yellowtamarin
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21 Jun 2018, 5:55 pm

I personally would probably prefer to talk about my feelings over text, because there's more time to find the right words, and I don't have to also think about eye contact etc. You could ask him what you need to ask by text, and also say in your message that you are happy to discuss this in person if he'd prefer. So then he has the choice, in case he is indeed worried about putting it "in writing".



Aiante
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23 Jun 2018, 4:34 am

yellowtamarin, thanks, that was a great advice. I did it exactly that way.
And since he was most helpful, I know now where we stand.
Just this: not what I thought, let alone hoped for, but that's not the important thing. Important is, that I know and that we can treat each other accordingly.



yellowtamarin
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23 Jun 2018, 9:08 am

Aiante wrote:
yellowtamarin, thanks, that was a great advice. I did it exactly that way.
And since he was most helpful, I know now where we stand.
Just this: not what I thought, let alone hoped for, but that's not the important thing. Important is, that I know and that we can treat each other accordingly.

Glad to have helped, and I'm glad you got what you needed, even if not what you wanted. Sounds like he was good about it too :)



rdos
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23 Jun 2018, 12:28 pm

I'd like to go one step further. I'd prefer to SHARE a post that says "I love you" over both writing it directly to somebody or saying it in a conversation. Feels a lot safer, and it really means the same thing.