I really messed up

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Let me begin by telling you a few things about myself. I have Aspergers, but I haven't been diagnosed yet, I haven't had a real friend in years, and I've never had a boyfriend. I'm also pretty certain that I am asexual since I don't really like kissing and don't really care about it or any other sexual things.
So I met this guy in Anime club and he's really interested in dating me. We hung out a few times and he's kissed me though I didn't like it very much. I do find him attractive though, just that I think he looks nice, and he seems really cool. We have a lot in common. The thing is, he recently sent me a message after we hadn't talked in a while asking if I still had feelings for him. I, thinking about how I didn't like kissing him and not wanting to pursue more with that, said we should just be friends. He didn't answer and I felt really bad so I added that I didn't like kissing and other stuff and would rather just have a friendship. I also said I did still like him and that I was sorry if I hurt his feelings, but he hasn't responded and its been hours. I'm afraid I messed things up because I feel like he was my one chance at a friend or more. Please tell me what I should do.

Hi Julie, I hate kissing too (why does anyone like that? )

I think you did the right thing in being honest with him, and further trying to soften the rejection by letting him know it's because of your own issues, not anything to do with him.

Give him time, and if he still isn't talking to you in a couple days, maybe try apologizing again for the awkwardness, and let him know you still want to remain friends.

Thanks for the advice! I'm going to see if that works. Hopefully it does

I'm not sure you did really mess up. From what you say, you and he have different expectations from this situation. You have been very honest and told him that you don't want to kiss, which implies pretty clearly that you don't want a sexual relationship, but you have also said that you want to be friends. If he doesn't respond to this, then my guess is that he does want a sexual relationship with you, and that 'being friends' isn't going to be enough for him. In which case, things are not going to work out because he will always be frustrated.

But as Ashariel says, give it time and see what happens. You did the right thing by being open with him.

^^

You can't 'mess up' when the other person has different goals than you. Like, to say that you've 'messed up' seeing as you've been 100% honest with him, implies that you should be more controlling of his actions, which would be manipulative and wrong.

I think you did the right thing by being honest with him.

If you don't like kissing, you don't like kissing.

If you desire a guy (or a girl) enough, you'll want to kiss said guy/girl.

If you don't develop those desires, you don't develop them.

It's great that you're honest. It's better than enduing something you don't care for.

I've endured what I don't care for--and it wasn't pleasant.

Most guys equate "lets be friends" to I'm not interested. In your case, you really did just want a friendship, and it sounds like you might be open to more down the line with him. You also mentioned that you didn't care for kissing, and he could have misunderstood it as you making excuses, when really this wasn't your intention at all.


If you get the chance to talk to him again, tell him you want to take it slow, and see where things go.

We all mess up sometimes, don't beat yourself up about it.

If he doesn't respect your wishes, it is better to let it go and move on. If you are serious about pursuing something further, it might be worth approaching him to make your feelings clear.

Most guys take "Just friends" as a friendzone or rejection..

You should only be careful because he doesn't know what goes on in your mind unless you tell him. So when you said he "asked if you still had feelings for him" did you ever? And why does he seem to feel as if you did? It's likely he wants more and he's trying for more, but he only knows as much as you tell him, and I'm assuming that isn't very much. Consequently, you could be leading him on. A lot. If you only want to be friends and if you don't like physical contact/aren't ready for it/whatever, you need to tell him.. and so long as you've been honest about how you feel it's up to him to decide if he can withhold feelings and be friends. With that said, if you aren't sure what you like/don't like it isn't fair to both of you to keep him strung along as anything other than a platonic friend.